Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 66 – Here We Go Again... Again...Yet Again

For the second time a doctor has cauterized lesions from radiation colitis, treatment of the aftereffects of the treatment of my prostate cancer. A chain of cause and effect and effect and effect. Every cause has an effect and each effect can become the cause of another effect. In just this way, the radiation treatment had the desired effect of shrinking the prostate tumor and the unintended effect of damaging the tissues of my colon. That in turn had the effect of producing the colitis lesions which eventually started bleeding. The treatment of these lesions, while it has had the unintended effect of causing a certain level of discomfort, will hopefully have the desired effect of ending the bleeding with which I have been dealing for all these months.

For the second time, I've tried to get things straightened out for my pension without the desired effect. I had thought that with this latest contact I had found a clerk who not only conducted himself competently but also with great compassion. I had even intended to give his name to the congressman's aide in order to have him commended for his work. However, he failed to call me as he had promised. Nevertheless, Thursday, I shall seek local assistance with my circumstances from the county's veterans service officer and aging services staff. Hopefully, they will help with both the VA difficulties and the financial crisis. Furthermore, I still intend to talk to Congressman Gus Bilirakis' aide within a few days to have him look into the whole matter of the suspension of my pension, particularly why my first call straightening out the address was not sufficient to lift the suspension. While Gus is on the House Committee on Veterans' Affairs, his father had chaired that same committee. I know his dad was very active and effective in working for veterans, but I know nothing about Gus' activities. While I doubt that his influence is as great as Mike's was, I will give him the opportunity. His dad did so much for veterans that the Spinal Cord Injury unit at James A Haley Veterans Hospital was named for him.

Fully understanding that all of this will take time to work out, I realize that I need patience while they proceed. Perhaps this is good practice for me, because I have the aspiration of being a monk. Once I am ordained I might be prohibited from having anything to do with financial affairs, depending instead on a trustee to handle them. While I am accustomed to managing my money myself although not perfectly, such dependence could prove difficult. Furthermore, I had thought that my VA pension income was reliable. I should have understood that nothing is really that reliable and everything changes, no matter how much we may think otherwise. Although as a Christian monastic I practiced “Evangelical poverty,” having made that vow, since I renounced those vows, I am now a little out of practice. This may be part of the practice I shall need to prepare for my new life as a Tibetan Buddhist monk.

Since, because of both my broken truck and my absolute lack of money, I cannot go to FPG Samhain in November, that may be an appropriate weekend to hold a yard sale. At least we could convert some of the things that we have and no longer need into the money for necessities, more of my “liquidating my own estate.” Likewise, we shall continue to go to the food pantry at the local Catholic parish until we get past the current difficulties or we reach our limit of 13 visits this year. We still have things that we can do to continue to survive this. At least I can look forward to the day that this will be resolved and my pension will come, but there are others right now who have much more bleak prospects in the current economy. I need to resume my Yellow Dzambala water offerings for their benefit.

Another thing that involves repetition is that I have to complete and resubmit last week's homework assignment for my Dharmakirti College course. With everything going on I had fallen behind in my studies. Fortunately, I am being given the opportunity to make it up, because the goal of these courses is that we learn what we need and not that we compete for some position or rank. The material covered in last week's lessons is of particular importance to me as a Tibetan Buddhist, “ Tantra,” covering its history and fundamentals. This week may be an even more important subject for everyone's benefit, “Death and Dying in Tibetan Buddhism,” because death is something that none of us can avoid. Nevertheless, if we prepare properly for our own deaths, we may find in its changes provide one of the best opportunities for enlightenment. At the very least, it seems most foolish to arrive at such a momentous event in our experience totally unprepared. Personally, I am sure that this must be my special field of study not only for my own benefit but also for the benefit of others.

I have begun to think that if my recovery from my radiation treatments progresses I should try to make a retreat between terms in my Dharmakirti College courses. I am not sure where or how I may do this. Since the term ends December 11 ^th, I cannot conceive of going either to Boston or to Arizona, but would need to find a way to make my retreat in a warmer climate. From December 9 ^th through December 13 ^th Wat Florida Dhammaram in Kissimmee, Florida, has a meditation retreat. Another option that I may try to set up is something like the “retreat at home” program that Sogyal Rinpoche's Rigpa organization has. In this form I would isolate myself at home, giving my sister the responsibility as my trustee to handle practical affairs, and I would stay in contact with my Lama by telephone or Internet. A third option would be for me to similarly stay at a duplex belonging to a friend, with my sister as my trustee and likewise staying in contact with my Lama by telephone or Internet. Whichever way I do this, the important thing is that this would be my first more or less formal retreat.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 66 – Here We Go Again... Again

As I've written previously, my VA pension has gotten messed up. Although I had informed everyone that I needed to notify of my change of address years ago, somehow the VA did not have my correct address. After I contacted the appropriate office to straighten this out, I was assured that everything was fixed and that a supervisor would contact me as I requested. I had asked for a supervisor, because I needed to know when I would get my pension to tell those from whom I could borrow enough to cover the most essential expenses when they could expect repayment. Since I never heard from that supervisor, in the intervening weeks I tried again to call the same office to find out what was happening. Unfortunately, their phone lines stay very busy, to the extent that usually I don't even get put on hold but rather get a busy signal the first few times I try. Once I do get connected to their phone system, I spend such a long time on hold that I often lose my cellphone signal before I get through to a person.

Tuesday I got a strange letter from the VA “Regional Office and Insurance Center” in Philadelphia. When I tried to phone the toll-free number in the letter for some explanation of its contents, I couldn't find my way through the maze of their automated telephone routing system. However, one of the automated information sources gave me a strange answer which necessitated a call to the same office that I called at the first of the month. Amazingly, probably because I was calling within an about an hour of their closing time, I actually got through to a human being in record time. Nevertheless, when the clerk looked up my information on his computer, although he could see the entries from my call at the first of the month, inexplicably the suspension of my pension payments had not been lifted. He then informed me that there was nothing that could be done at this point in the month to enable me to get any money before a vague “some time in November.” At least I have an assurance of a call from this clerk Wednesday afternoon with more information. Although the sedative used in the colonoscopy is given with the warning to not conduct business for 24 hours afterward, this is unavoidable.

During all of these dealings on the phone I started to have a real problem controlling my anger. Throughout all of this, starting with the original change of address, I have done what I was supposed to do, but government employees were not doing what they were supposed to be doing! Furthermore, this not only affects my financial situation but also my sister's as well, because she has delayed paying some of her bills to help me. She should not have to face hardship from trying to help me! I am resolved that I will contact the county veterans service officer and their aging services personnel on Thursday to seek both temporary assistance meeting current needs and to help with my dealings with these VA offices. Furthermore, I shall be discussing the whole matter with our Congressman's staffers as soon as possible. For that discussion I am also inclined to see that I get the name of latest clerk who is helping in order to commend him for his assistance and genuine concern. It seems that one individual is powerless when confronting any government bureaucracy! Someone with power is needed!

I realize that a factor in my difficulty in avoiding anger is the stress of the colonoscopy preparations. I can have no food to eat for the day and the medicines prescribed create a state of induced diarrhea which is far from pleasant. No matter how necessary, it is difficult! At least I have had the benefit of Chenrezig, Tara and Achi Chokyi Drolma mantra recitations to keep me from totally “losing it” and running outside screaming that the top of my lungs! It is also hard to keep from facing depression over this, because I may be unable to avoid overdraft charges.

This week's topic in my Dharmakirti College course, “Death and Dying in Tibetan Buddhism,” is a good one to restore perspective to any situation. I have again survived, this time from prostate cancer. I have no idea how long or short a time I may have before I die, but I can't afford to waste it. “The Four Ways of Turning the Mind” tell me, “(1)Oh! This kind of leisure and endowment is supremely difficult to obtain. When we obtain this body, which is easily lost, do not waste it meaninglessly but rather use it to attain the ultimate liberation, joyous result. (2) The nature of all phenomena is impermanence; death is a certainty for all who are born. Death can descend anytime like a drop of morning dew on a blade of grass. Quick! It is time to make effort for the essence of the Dharma. (3) The fruit of one's positive karma is happiness; suffering is the fruit of negative karma. The inexorable karmic causation is the mode of abiding of all dharmas. Henceforth practice the dharma by distinguishing between what should be practiced and what should be given up. (4) In the three lower realms and even in the three higher ones there is not an instance of absolute happiness. I will avoid the root cause of my samsaric existence and practice the excellent path of peace to Enlightenment. ”

From this I may see that I must give up the “three poisons,” anger, attachment and ignorance. In this case I cannot afford to harbor any ill will toward any of the clerks involved in this situation. If my mindstream is poisoned by anger, it cannot be moistened by compassion and bodhicitta to which I am committed. Although I had been hoping to attend a Halloween Party with friends and also the wedding of a friend there as well as hoping to attend Florida Pagan Gathering next week which would have allowed me to “play with fire” both as fire tender for a sweat lodge and doing an “Auspicious Smoke Ceremony” which would also have provided opportunities to share the Dharma, I cannot afford to be so attached to my plans and the outcome of my intentions that such attachment also poisons my mind. Furthermore, I cannot afford to let any upset from these or any other circumstances disrupt my study and meditation, allowing ignorance to dominate when I should be developing wisdom instead.

Sometimes I am troubled that because of both financial and physical limitations I couldn't get to any of the Dharma activities of my Dharma Center or any of the teachings nearby this month. Furthermore, I miss the opportunities to share practice with friends. Nevertheless, I still have the learning opportunities with my online course from Dharmakirti College as well as my simple shrine where I may both meditate and do deity practices. Indeed these considerations should help motivate me to not become lax in either of these areas as I believe I was in danger of doing. Last week's homework questions did not get uploaded on time and they were not as fully answered as they should have been. Furthermore, today, as has too often been the case lately, I failed to do my daily offerings or any sadhana practice. Nevertheless, before I sleep, I can still do at least the short Vajrasattva practice and resolve to try to do better in the future.

Just as the impermanence of all things guarantees that all situations will change, it also guarantees that I have the opportunity to change as well. With mindfulness and proper motivation it can be a change for the better.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 66 – Here We Go Again

Almost three weeks ago I had a colonoscopy which found that I have “moderate to severe radiation colitis.” Fortunately the lab report on the tiny polyp they removed indicated that it was benign. At least there isn't another form of cancer with which I may have to cope, especially since it appears that the radiation treatments seem to have worked very effectively. While the doctor was using the “scope,” he used an electric probe to cauterize some of the lesions from the colitis. Expecting this to significantly reduce the bleeding that I had been experiencing, I was scheduled for a flexible sigmoidoscopy in a few months.

However, following the colonoscopy, I continued to have rectal bleeding, some days very little and others at least a few ounces at a time. I even had a few days that were free of bleeding. Nevertheless, when I phoned the GI Procedures Clinic, the doctor rescheduled my sigmoidoscopy as a colonoscopy just a few days from now. Yesterday, I started the very first stage of the preparation, “low residue diet.” Tonight, I moved on to the clear liquid diet and took the first laxative pills. Although this is a rigorous preparation, I have been through it so recently that it is familiar.

As I wrote before, somehow when I submitted a change of mailing address to the VA years ago it never got entered into their regional office or national computer system although it was properly changed at the VA hospital where I get treatment. As a result of this, when an item of mail was returned because it had been addressed to the old address, they took action to stop the direct deposit of my VA pension. Unfortunately although I was able to get the error corrected on the telephone, they could give me no idea how long I would have to wait for the replacement check or electronic deposit. Furthermore, nothing has arrived yet, leaving me without funds of my own and dependent on the charity of others. Although I am not suffering from wounded pride, I am concerned that my sister could not easily afford to loan me what she did without getting repaid soon. I have to call the same office that I did before in order to find out when I will get any of my pension.

At least I have food to eat, because I have been going to the food bank of the local Catholic parish each week. With this I have been getting my necessities, even toilet paper a couple of times. I trade the canned meat to my sister for cheese or beans from her package. Since we grew up poor, our current poverty is nothing new or alarming because we learned how to stretch our resources. We can just practice the same frugality that we knew when we were younger.

So many things in our lives run in cycles, little circles within the greater circle of our samsaric existence. Therefore such things should not be a great concern to us, but merely familiar things with which to deal. Furthermore, we have tools to use, not only worldly tools based on our life experiences but also spiritual tools from the Dharma. While we encounter diverse difficult circumstances in our lives, we have the choice of whether they may be turned into something of spiritual benefit for ourselves and others or merely wasted.

As I move forward toward physical recovery from the radiation therapy and cope with my financial situation, my attitude determines whether it serves to purify negative karma or build up still more negative karma. Furthermore, the extent to which I am able to actively practice the Dharma gives others hope that it may be applied in their lives with equal or greater effectiveness. Moreover, I am nothing special, merely the result of certain causes under certain conditions, just a matter of cause and effect. Anything that I do that may be commendable is nothing more than a further effect of those causes and conditions except that I get to make the choice of how I will act, thereby increasing or decreasing my karmic debt which must be resolved either in this present lifetime or in some future rebirth.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 65 – Sixtieth Birth Day Anniversary

Recently a friend pointed out that we only have one birth day, although we celebrate its anniversary every year. As a Tibetan Buddhist, I would say that I have had multiple birth days, but only one for each rebirth. However, I also have memories of lifetimes that I know I did not reach the age to celebrate a sixtieth Birth Day anniversary, but rather died much younger.

As I have written previously, there are numerous reasons that I should not have reached my present age whether it was the congenital defect that caused me to collapse as an infant or the multiple traumatic injuries of my motor vehicle accident in 1983. Nevertheless, I have survived them all and have grown into someone who is of benefit to others. However, I don't believe that it is the result of the decision of some distant deity that I “still have work to do,” but rather that it is merely my karma that I continue to have the time in which I may do good or bad. Furthermore, it is my choice how to spend whatever time I may live. I could devote it to getting and spending, totally absorbed in my own wants and desires. Or I could devote it to study of the Dharma, finding ways to put it into practice daily in service to others. I much prefer the latter, because it is truly the path to genuine happiness.

I had hoped that I would have been ordained as a Tibetan Buddhist novice monk or getsul before this date. However, that was not to happen. Nevertheless, I reasonably expect that I might be ordained before I celebrate another Birth Day Anniversary although nothing is certain in this life. Thereafter, I wonder whether I would celebrate any more such anniversaries or might I celebrate the anniversaries of my ordination as I did when I was Christian clergy. As I was taught then, the ordination was more significant than my birth. At least it is significant enough that a new name is given, seemingly denoting a new life.

I have received a lot of birthday greetings, a few by mail such as the one from the law firm that handled probate for my mother's estate, but most by email or on social networking sites. Some of the people sending the greetings a strictly cyber-friends with whom I have had discussions online or who regularly read my blogs. Nevertheless, it is good to be thought well thought of and valued.

While I have received few gifts, my sister took me out to eat at “Golden Corral.” They have a birthday deal, but we found out that it is only for the dinner buffet and not the lunch buffet. Although they are really a steakhouse, there is still a lot on the buffet for me as a vegetarian. My sister and I did have a little GI discomfort, probably from their deviled eggs, since she and I had them but our friend Alice didn't. Nevertheless, it was a pleasant meal topped off with coconut cream pie and coffee.

My body sort of gave me a birthday present in that I had no bleeding that entire day. Furthermore, the bleeding has been negligible since then. Perhaps I am now getting the relief that I had sought from the work done during the colonoscopy. In any case, I shall be grateful for the relief and watch out for any further bleeding that may occur.

This is a time to reflect on the impermanence of all things, because we cannot stop ourselves getting older. Furthermore, our bodies are subject to breaking down from wear and tear no matter how hard we may try to live a healthy lifestyle. The healthier we may live may reduce the severity of the losses due to aging or slow the rate at which such changes develop. However, most still develop like gray hair and wrinkles. As a culture we spend a great deal of time and vast resources to uselessly fight the effects of aging, while we seem to give little attention to preparing for our own death. Indeed many go to great effort to avoid facing their own mortality despite its certainty.

I recently got the practice text for Phowa practice. Since I have received the transmission for it, I shall begin to add it to my personal practice. Furthermore, I shall continue to look for an opportunity to receive teachings and related empowerments for it. This is something that I can do to benefit not only myself in preparing for my own death whenever that may come, but also others by helping them with their transitions at the time of their deaths. Since death is inevitable for all of us, this is preparation that we all need. Furthermore, it can turn that difficult time into the greatest opportunity for enlightenment that an individual may have.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 64, part 3 - Disappointment

On the weekend after the colonoscopy, I wound up camping out at a pagan festival called “Harvest Rhythm” at All World Acres near Plant City. Since my sister and I are sharing the same van and she is not a “night owl” like I am, it only made sense that I would set up a tent even though my house is such a short distance away. On Friday, I had trouble having sufficient energy and stamina to help her get both her book selling booth and my own camp set up. However, I did manage to do this and took a “power nap” because I was looking forward to a Native American type sweat lodge for which I would tend the fire, albeit with help. As it turned out, the water pourer decided that there would be far too little interest in the lodge considering the unseasonably hot day we were having. Instead he led a pipe ceremony which was something in which I had never participated other than within the Cherokee tradition.

During the afternoon and evening it seemed that fewer people were arriving than in previous years. Perhaps the economic difficulties that so many people are experiencing may be keeping them away despite the fact that the fees for this event are low enough that it is a very inexpensive family outing. Furthermore, there are so few places for Pagan to go to freely worship according to their own traditions.

Considering the cauterizing that was done during my colonoscopy, I was most pleased that there was no bleeding during that whole day, Friday. I had a lot to get done which would have made any bleeding a real nuisance, at best. However, in the predawn hours of Saturday morning I awoke and felt the need to hurry to the bathhouse only to discover that I had bled into my undershorts. Thankfully, I had not bled through into my pants. As I started to write this I was wearing an incontinence pad the wrong way around to catch any future bleeding. Nevertheless, I am most grateful for the break that I had from the bleeding and still can hope that it still will be less in the future than it has been in the past.

When I reflect on the disappointment that I felt when I saw the blood that morning, I realize that it results from another form of attachment. We usually think of attachment only in terms of attachment to people or things, but not in terms of attachment to concepts. Nevertheless, I had formed the concept of an expectation of things continuing as they had been on Friday. However, we know that all things change and nothing is constant. Therefore, I may hope that there won't be any more bleeding after the work done during my colonoscopy, but I should not form an attachment to that particular outcome. Rather, I should keep myself open to whatever actually happens and adapt to the circumstances that I encounter.

As it has actually developed, there has been sufficient bleeding that I should call the GI Procedures Clinic on their next business day, Tuesday. While I don't believe that it is enough to warrant a trip to the ER, I believe that I should contact the clinic to move up the appointment for my sigmoidoscopy. I believe that the remaining areas that needed to be cauterized should be treated sooner rather than later. The healing of the sites might tax my system, but I doubt that it would be much worse than coping with the continued bleeding. In fact, I believe that this is necessary for me to fully recover from the radiation treatments that I underwent in December and January. In any case, I adjust to what is and adapt to my actual circumstances as best I can.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 64, part 2 – Preparing for … and Finishing

Thursday I finally had my colonoscopy but with mixed results. Fortunately, thanks to good preparations, the doctor was able to see everything clearly and found only one small polyp which he removed. While it still has to go to the pathology lab for testing, it is unlikely that one small polyp in an otherwise polyp-free colon would be malignant. I have to admit that after the IV doses of Versed and Fentanyl I was in a peaceful state of mind, quite calm. As a result of that, I enjoyed watching the inside of my own colon on the monitor, kind of an odd experience.

On the other hand the doctor reported finding “moderately severe radiation colitis,” the source of my bleeding, which he treated with an electric probe. In other words, he cauterized the lesions. It was rather strange watching the doctor's work in the monitor. Unfortunately, he said that it would not be good to treat them all at once. Therefore, I have been scheduled for a “flexible sigmoidoscopy” in a couple of months to treat the rest of them. At least, the preparation for that won't be as rigorous only requiring a couple of enemas, just cleaning enough of the colon to do the work.

After leaving the hospital, I must admit that going to “Denny's” for their “Senior Omelet” was particularly enjoyable. Even the coffee was especially good, although I am sure it was just a very ordinary blend and roast. Not having anything substantial to eat for three days, one of those with clear liquids only, definitely sharpens both the appetite and the palate. I might have thought that I have little attachment to food, but I have to admit that I have a weight problem. While I don't approach food as a gourmet might, with great attachment to each flavor, color, or texture, I am, nevertheless, attached to it far too much. I am a long way from the attitude expressed in the third verse of “Food Offering Prayers” from our prayer book, “By seeing the food as medicine, I will partake of it without attachment or aversion. It shall not serve to increase my pride, arrogance or strength, but will only maintain my body.”

If that were actually my relationship to food, I should not have such difficulty losing weight. In fact, with such an attitude toward food, I wouldn't have the weight problem in the beginning. I have not had such difficulty with “ fashions” either with regard to clothing or hair styles, but both poverty and Christian monasticism helped me avoid that attachment. Nevertheless, freedom from certain attachments does not translate to freedom from them all although it does help, both in giving one a taste of what that freedom might be and in providing a model of the way to be rid of the attachments.

We are most fortunate to have the whole path of Vajrayana to guide us from our deluded ordinary existence to enlightenment for the benefit of all sentient beings. We have the great examples of those who have gone before us like Milarepa whose life shows that not only is the path open to ordinary people but also that enlightenment may be attained within one lifetime no matter how far from the path one may have started.

Karmic seeds that I planted in a previous lifetime have borne fruit in the various medical problems and close brushes with death in this lifetime. Nevertheless, the Dharma gives me the means to turn the mere purifying of this negative Karma into something that benefits other beings. Whether this is through sharing this walk with them or instead is through visiting the sick and dying and providing them the benefits of the Dharma and the life that I have lived, it can serve them toward enlightenment or at least a good rebirth.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 64 – Preparing for ….

Throughout our lives we spend various periods of time and various amounts of our attention and various proportions of our daily activities in preparation for things that are important in our life. However, how much is devoted to such preparation is not always proportional to the ultimate importance of that for which we are preparing.

Right now, the first three days of this week are to be devoted to a progressively greater degree to preparation for a colonoscopy on Thursday morning. It is amazing how much such preparations require. First, I only have to start a “ low-residue” diet for Monday and part of Tuesday which really only means that I give up the healthy high fiber diet to which I am accustomed, switching to white bread and white rice and such things. However, this is followed by a large dose of laxatives and a switch to a “clear liquid” diet which will make greater demands on my time and attention, because it will effectively induce something like diarrhea. I will need to spend Tuesday night and all of Wednesday close to the bathroom and very attentive to maintaining good hydration.

I have been assured by those who have had a colonoscopy more recently than my last one that this will be the worst part of the entire process. The actual procedure is supposed to be little more than a minor inconvenience after such a rigorous preparation. Furthermore, viewed from the perspective of an entire lifetime, this is a truly minor episode. Nevertheless, it has a demanding preparation.

When we look at how much more significant an event our death would seem to be out of all the events of a lifetime, why do we do so little to prepare for it? Furthermore, this is not because we have no means to make such preparations, but more likely we avoid them because we prefer to not think about our own mortality. We act as though we shall live forever. This despite all the evidence to the contrary. Have you met anyone who has managed to live into their second or third century of life? Have you met anyone who has had neither an injury nor an illness ever? We have instead seen family, friends and complete strangers fall ill and slowly die or suffer some sort of accident or sudden heart attack and die without warning. Either way they all died. Many of us have had close brushes with death whether an accident that we survive or a serious illness or injury from which we recover.

Despite our denial, we really know that we shall not escape death. Nevertheless, we give little thought to how we may prepare for it. If we ever do, we are likely to make some kind of beginning at a spiritual life. I have had so many potentially fatal experiences from which I have survived. In spite of all of them, I have only recently found out about the kind of preparations that we may make for our own deaths, preparations that can turn it from an end to a beginning. I am not talking about something that promises a life in some kind of paradise, but rather something that promises to open the possibility of enlightenment in the midst that very experience of death.

We in the Tibetan Buddhist tradition, particularly in the Drikung Kagyu lineage have a practice called “ Phowa” which offers the opportunity to enable the practitioner to help others pass through the stages of death peacefully and even utilize them to attain enlightenment. Having had such experiences of close calls with death and extensive of medical care and survival accompanied by some more of less rigorous recovery process, I have been able to help others at times when they were hospitalized or faced medical challenges. Therefore, I desire to learn this “Phowa” practice to help others as well as prepare myself for that occasion when I do not survive some injury or illness.

Even without such special training we may still make preparations by striving to practice virtue rather than nonvirtue, thereby avoiding the great Karmic debt that might have us born in some realm other than the human one. Furthermore, we may strive through such practices as Vajrasattva practice to cleanse any negative Karma that we have accumulated. Most importantly we may try to cultivate bodhicitta and compassion in order to benefit all sentient beings which brings us closer to Buddhahood by which we may benefit them the most. That is indeed the most important hing for which we may make preparations!!

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 63 – “Every Day is a Bonus”

A few days ago a friend who is also a cancer survivor and went through a much more rigorous course of treatment from surgery through chemotherapy said that she now sees every day as a bonus. She is also one of the people who can fully appreciate why I see monasticism as the best use of the remainder of my life. She just became a Tibetan Buddhist nun back in the spring this year. By no means is Ani-la's health perfect now that she has survived cancer and recovered from the treatments any more than it was before them. Whether it is her arthritis or her diabetes or anything else, she copes with it partly because of this awareness of the preciousness of her continued life.

When I reflect on my own life, I also see every day as a bonus. Every day after I survived the episodes when, as an infant, I would collapse, almost lifeless, is a bonus. Every day after I survived through my teens despite restricted blood flow to many of my vital organs as they grew and developed is a bonus. Every day after I survived the incident in 1973 about which I have no memory which left me with a compression fracture of a vertebra but could have been a fatal spinal injury is a bonus. Every day after I survived a major motor vehicle accident in 1983 in which I totaled a VW van and broke a lot of my bones is a bonus. Every day after I survived a traumatic tear of the aorta from that same motor vehicle accident is a bonus. Every day after I survived prostate cancer that was rated as moderately aggressive, but not too advanced which was treated by beam radiation less than a year ago is a bonus.

This, of course, does not mean that these times that I survived were without their difficulties or consequences. The episodes from my infancy resulted in my having frequent exposure to the health care system from such an early age. The issue of the blood supply to my developing organs and lower extremities left me with “diabetes controlled by diet” but not “ Type 1 diabetes” as well as a lack of success in sports when it involved a lot of running. The fracture in 1973 left me with osteoarthritis in my back. The injuries from the motor vehicle accident in 1983 left me with more arthritis in more places as well as an aortic arch with turbulence from scar tissue that now produces micro-clots which have caused a few “mini-strokes” or “ TIAs”. This has also given me both the most profound sense of my own mortality and the deepest confidence in the possibility of surviving almost anything. My cancer and its treatment have left me with really annoying aftereffects of the radiation and the most profound awareness of my own mortality and the value of each day that I continue to live.

I have absolutely no idea how many days, months or years I may yet live, but I know that I must use them to the greatest benefit not only for myself but also for all sentient beings. Although I have received other empowerments and may receive still more in the future, I believe that the foundation of my personal practice must be Medicine Buddha saddhana practice. Furthermore, I also believe that to best make my experiences benefit others, I need training in Tonglen and Phowa practices. By the former I may benefit the sick and the suffering to perhaps share their load as well as grow in compassion and bodhicitta. By the latter I may benefit the dying in their transition and perhaps even prepare better for the time that I don't survive something, because I know that death is inevitable.

Of course, this also gives me a different perspective on the incidents in daily life no matter how big they seem to be. For example, somehow when I submitted a change of mailing address to the VA years ago it never got entered into their regional office or national computer system although it was properly changed at the VA hospital where I get treatment. As a result of this, when an item of mail was returned because it had been addressed to the old address, they took action that caused my VA pension to not be sent to my bank this month. This is at least a bit annoying, because, as a modern guy, I have some of my bills set up on electronic funds transfer or automatic payment by debit card.

Although I was able to get the error corrected on the telephone, they could give me no idea how long I would have to wait for the replacement check or electronic deposit. Nevertheless, I can manage both by borrowing just enough to cover expenses that cannot be delayed like the water bill and the car insurance and by going to the food bank to get groceries. In fact, I already went to the food bank and receivved what they consider a one month supply of food for one person. Since I am fully vegetarian and my sister is not quite, I will trade the meat items to her for vegetarian items to take their place. This Sunday, my Dharma center will be closed which gives me the opportunity to visit the local Thai temple where I am sure that I will get both spiritual benefit and an excellent lunch.

This is just the stuff that happens in life. Whether it is this or leaving my bundle of practice texts at a friend's office where we did practice together, we need to adjust circumstances as we find them and do what is needed and find the tools to keep from being overwhelmed by our afflictive emotions. Fortunately, I have copies of what I need for my daily practice and can either go back to pick up the bundle or have it mailed to me. The mail might be the necessary route both because I don't have money to travel far and because I will have my colonoscopy scheduled next week. Having just watched part 1 the life of Milarepa on DVD, I can't help but think of how much more difficult his path to enlightenment was than mine might be. At the very least, I must learn from his persistence and perseverance lest I give up too soon to achieve what is possible in this lifetime. I am most fortunate to have a precious human life, powerful life experiences, access to teachers of the Dharma, and vajra brothers and sisters to help me along the path.