Thursday I finally had my colonoscopy but with mixed results. Fortunately, thanks to good preparations, the doctor was able to see everything clearly and found only one small polyp which he removed. While it still has to go to the pathology lab for testing, it is unlikely that one small polyp in an otherwise polyp-free colon would be malignant. I have to admit that after the IV doses of Versed and Fentanyl I was in a peaceful state of mind, quite calm. As a result of that, I enjoyed watching the inside of my own colon on the monitor, kind of an odd experience.
On the other hand the doctor reported finding “moderately severe radiation colitis,” the source of my bleeding, which he treated with an electric probe. In other words, he cauterized the lesions. It was rather strange watching the doctor's work in the monitor. Unfortunately, he said that it would not be good to treat them all at once. Therefore, I have been scheduled for a “flexible sigmoidoscopy” in a couple of months to treat the rest of them. At least, the preparation for that won't be as rigorous only requiring a couple of enemas, just cleaning enough of the colon to do the work.
After leaving the hospital, I must admit that going to “Denny's” for their “Senior Omelet” was particularly enjoyable. Even the coffee was especially good, although I am sure it was just a very ordinary blend and roast. Not having anything substantial to eat for three days, one of those with clear liquids only, definitely sharpens both the appetite and the palate. I might have thought that I have little attachment to food, but I have to admit that I have a weight problem. While I don't approach food as a gourmet might, with great attachment to each flavor, color, or texture, I am, nevertheless, attached to it far too much. I am a long way from the attitude expressed in the third verse of “Food Offering Prayers” from our prayer book, “By seeing the food as medicine, I will partake of it without attachment or aversion. It shall not serve to increase my pride, arrogance or strength, but will only maintain my body.”
If that were actually my relationship to food, I should not have such difficulty losing weight. In fact, with such an attitude toward food, I wouldn't have the weight problem in the beginning. I have not had such difficulty with “ fashions” either with regard to clothing or hair styles, but both poverty and Christian monasticism helped me avoid that attachment. Nevertheless, freedom from certain attachments does not translate to freedom from them all although it does help, both in giving one a taste of what that freedom might be and in providing a model of the way to be rid of the attachments.
We are most fortunate to have the whole path of Vajrayana to guide us from our deluded ordinary existence to enlightenment for the benefit of all sentient beings. We have the great examples of those who have gone before us like Milarepa whose life shows that not only is the path open to ordinary people but also that enlightenment may be attained within one lifetime no matter how far from the path one may have started.
Karmic seeds that I planted in a previous lifetime have borne fruit in the various medical problems and close brushes with death in this lifetime. Nevertheless, the Dharma gives me the means to turn the mere purifying of this negative Karma into something that benefits other beings. Whether this is through sharing this walk with them or instead is through visiting the sick and dying and providing them the benefits of the Dharma and the life that I have lived, it can serve them toward enlightenment or at least a good rebirth.
No comments:
Post a Comment