As I've written previously, my VA pension has gotten messed up. Although I had informed everyone that I needed to notify of my change of address years ago, somehow the VA did not have my correct address. After I contacted the appropriate office to straighten this out, I was assured that everything was fixed and that a supervisor would contact me as I requested. I had asked for a supervisor, because I needed to know when I would get my pension to tell those from whom I could borrow enough to cover the most essential expenses when they could expect repayment. Since I never heard from that supervisor, in the intervening weeks I tried again to call the same office to find out what was happening. Unfortunately, their phone lines stay very busy, to the extent that usually I don't even get put on hold but rather get a busy signal the first few times I try. Once I do get connected to their phone system, I spend such a long time on hold that I often lose my cellphone signal before I get through to a person.
Tuesday I got a strange letter from the VA “Regional Office and Insurance Center” in Philadelphia. When I tried to phone the toll-free number in the letter for some explanation of its contents, I couldn't find my way through the maze of their automated telephone routing system. However, one of the automated information sources gave me a strange answer which necessitated a call to the same office that I called at the first of the month. Amazingly, probably because I was calling within an about an hour of their closing time, I actually got through to a human being in record time. Nevertheless, when the clerk looked up my information on his computer, although he could see the entries from my call at the first of the month, inexplicably the suspension of my pension payments had not been lifted. He then informed me that there was nothing that could be done at this point in the month to enable me to get any money before a vague “some time in November.” At least I have an assurance of a call from this clerk Wednesday afternoon with more information. Although the sedative used in the colonoscopy is given with the warning to not conduct business for 24 hours afterward, this is unavoidable.
During all of these dealings on the phone I started to have a real problem controlling my anger. Throughout all of this, starting with the original change of address, I have done what I was supposed to do, but government employees were not doing what they were supposed to be doing! Furthermore, this not only affects my financial situation but also my sister's as well, because she has delayed paying some of her bills to help me. She should not have to face hardship from trying to help me! I am resolved that I will contact the county veterans service officer and their aging services personnel on Thursday to seek both temporary assistance meeting current needs and to help with my dealings with these VA offices. Furthermore, I shall be discussing the whole matter with our Congressman's staffers as soon as possible. For that discussion I am also inclined to see that I get the name of latest clerk who is helping in order to commend him for his assistance and genuine concern. It seems that one individual is powerless when confronting any government bureaucracy! Someone with power is needed!
I realize that a factor in my difficulty in avoiding anger is the stress of the colonoscopy preparations. I can have no food to eat for the day and the medicines prescribed create a state of induced diarrhea which is far from pleasant. No matter how necessary, it is difficult! At least I have had the benefit of Chenrezig, Tara and Achi Chokyi Drolma mantra recitations to keep me from totally “losing it” and running outside screaming that the top of my lungs! It is also hard to keep from facing depression over this, because I may be unable to avoid overdraft charges.
This week's topic in my Dharmakirti College course, “Death and Dying in Tibetan Buddhism,” is a good one to restore perspective to any situation. I have again survived, this time from prostate cancer. I have no idea how long or short a time I may have before I die, but I can't afford to waste it. “The Four Ways of Turning the Mind” tell me, “(1)Oh! This kind of leisure and endowment is supremely difficult to obtain. When we obtain this body, which is easily lost, do not waste it meaninglessly but rather use it to attain the ultimate liberation, joyous result. (2) The nature of all phenomena is impermanence; death is a certainty for all who are born. Death can descend anytime like a drop of morning dew on a blade of grass. Quick! It is time to make effort for the essence of the Dharma. (3) The fruit of one's positive karma is happiness; suffering is the fruit of negative karma. The inexorable karmic causation is the mode of abiding of all dharmas. Henceforth practice the dharma by distinguishing between what should be practiced and what should be given up. (4) In the three lower realms and even in the three higher ones there is not an instance of absolute happiness. I will avoid the root cause of my samsaric existence and practice the excellent path of peace to Enlightenment. ”
From this I may see that I must give up the “three poisons,” anger, attachment and ignorance. In this case I cannot afford to harbor any ill will toward any of the clerks involved in this situation. If my mindstream is poisoned by anger, it cannot be moistened by compassion and bodhicitta to which I am committed. Although I had been hoping to attend a Halloween Party with friends and also the wedding of a friend there as well as hoping to attend Florida Pagan Gathering next week which would have allowed me to “play with fire” both as fire tender for a sweat lodge and doing an “Auspicious Smoke Ceremony” which would also have provided opportunities to share the Dharma, I cannot afford to be so attached to my plans and the outcome of my intentions that such attachment also poisons my mind. Furthermore, I cannot afford to let any upset from these or any other circumstances disrupt my study and meditation, allowing ignorance to dominate when I should be developing wisdom instead.
Sometimes I am troubled that because of both financial and physical limitations I couldn't get to any of the Dharma activities of my Dharma Center or any of the teachings nearby this month. Furthermore, I miss the opportunities to share practice with friends. Nevertheless, I still have the learning opportunities with my online course from Dharmakirti College as well as my simple shrine where I may both meditate and do deity practices. Indeed these considerations should help motivate me to not become lax in either of these areas as I believe I was in danger of doing. Last week's homework questions did not get uploaded on time and they were not as fully answered as they should have been. Furthermore, today, as has too often been the case lately, I failed to do my daily offerings or any sadhana practice. Nevertheless, before I sleep, I can still do at least the short Vajrasattva practice and resolve to try to do better in the future.
Just as the impermanence of all things guarantees that all situations will change, it also guarantees that I have the opportunity to change as well. With mindfulness and proper motivation it can be a change for the better.
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