Almost three weeks ago I had a colonoscopy which found that I have “moderate to severe radiation colitis.” Fortunately the lab report on the tiny polyp they removed indicated that it was benign. At least there isn't another form of cancer with which I may have to cope, especially since it appears that the radiation treatments seem to have worked very effectively. While the doctor was using the “scope,” he used an electric probe to cauterize some of the lesions from the colitis. Expecting this to significantly reduce the bleeding that I had been experiencing, I was scheduled for a flexible sigmoidoscopy in a few months.
However, following the colonoscopy, I continued to have rectal bleeding, some days very little and others at least a few ounces at a time. I even had a few days that were free of bleeding. Nevertheless, when I phoned the GI Procedures Clinic, the doctor rescheduled my sigmoidoscopy as a colonoscopy just a few days from now. Yesterday, I started the very first stage of the preparation, “low residue diet.” Tonight, I moved on to the clear liquid diet and took the first laxative pills. Although this is a rigorous preparation, I have been through it so recently that it is familiar.
As I wrote before, somehow when I submitted a change of mailing address to the VA years ago it never got entered into their regional office or national computer system although it was properly changed at the VA hospital where I get treatment. As a result of this, when an item of mail was returned because it had been addressed to the old address, they took action to stop the direct deposit of my VA pension. Unfortunately although I was able to get the error corrected on the telephone, they could give me no idea how long I would have to wait for the replacement check or electronic deposit. Furthermore, nothing has arrived yet, leaving me without funds of my own and dependent on the charity of others. Although I am not suffering from wounded pride, I am concerned that my sister could not easily afford to loan me what she did without getting repaid soon. I have to call the same office that I did before in order to find out when I will get any of my pension.
At least I have food to eat, because I have been going to the food bank of the local Catholic parish each week. With this I have been getting my necessities, even toilet paper a couple of times. I trade the canned meat to my sister for cheese or beans from her package. Since we grew up poor, our current poverty is nothing new or alarming because we learned how to stretch our resources. We can just practice the same frugality that we knew when we were younger.
So many things in our lives run in cycles, little circles within the greater circle of our samsaric existence. Therefore such things should not be a great concern to us, but merely familiar things with which to deal. Furthermore, we have tools to use, not only worldly tools based on our life experiences but also spiritual tools from the Dharma. While we encounter diverse difficult circumstances in our lives, we have the choice of whether they may be turned into something of spiritual benefit for ourselves and others or merely wasted.
As I move forward toward physical recovery from the radiation therapy and cope with my financial situation, my attitude determines whether it serves to purify negative karma or build up still more negative karma. Furthermore, the extent to which I am able to actively practice the Dharma gives others hope that it may be applied in their lives with equal or greater effectiveness. Moreover, I am nothing special, merely the result of certain causes under certain conditions, just a matter of cause and effect. Anything that I do that may be commendable is nothing more than a further effect of those causes and conditions except that I get to make the choice of how I will act, thereby increasing or decreasing my karmic debt which must be resolved either in this present lifetime or in some future rebirth.
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