A few days ago a friend who is also a cancer survivor and went through a much more rigorous course of treatment from surgery through chemotherapy said that she now sees every day as a bonus. She is also one of the people who can fully appreciate why I see monasticism as the best use of the remainder of my life. She just became a Tibetan Buddhist nun back in the spring this year. By no means is Ani-la's health perfect now that she has survived cancer and recovered from the treatments any more than it was before them. Whether it is her arthritis or her diabetes or anything else, she copes with it partly because of this awareness of the preciousness of her continued life.
When I reflect on my own life, I also see every day as a bonus. Every day after I survived the episodes when, as an infant, I would collapse, almost lifeless, is a bonus. Every day after I survived through my teens despite restricted blood flow to many of my vital organs as they grew and developed is a bonus. Every day after I survived the incident in 1973 about which I have no memory which left me with a compression fracture of a vertebra but could have been a fatal spinal injury is a bonus. Every day after I survived a major motor vehicle accident in 1983 in which I totaled a VW van and broke a lot of my bones is a bonus. Every day after I survived a traumatic tear of the aorta from that same motor vehicle accident is a bonus. Every day after I survived prostate cancer that was rated as moderately aggressive, but not too advanced which was treated by beam radiation less than a year ago is a bonus.
This, of course, does not mean that these times that I survived were without their difficulties or consequences. The episodes from my infancy resulted in my having frequent exposure to the health care system from such an early age. The issue of the blood supply to my developing organs and lower extremities left me with “diabetes controlled by diet” but not “ Type 1 diabetes” as well as a lack of success in sports when it involved a lot of running. The fracture in 1973 left me with osteoarthritis in my back. The injuries from the motor vehicle accident in 1983 left me with more arthritis in more places as well as an aortic arch with turbulence from scar tissue that now produces micro-clots which have caused a few “mini-strokes” or “ TIAs”. This has also given me both the most profound sense of my own mortality and the deepest confidence in the possibility of surviving almost anything. My cancer and its treatment have left me with really annoying aftereffects of the radiation and the most profound awareness of my own mortality and the value of each day that I continue to live.
I have absolutely no idea how many days, months or years I may yet live, but I know that I must use them to the greatest benefit not only for myself but also for all sentient beings. Although I have received other empowerments and may receive still more in the future, I believe that the foundation of my personal practice must be Medicine Buddha saddhana practice. Furthermore, I also believe that to best make my experiences benefit others, I need training in Tonglen and Phowa practices. By the former I may benefit the sick and the suffering to perhaps share their load as well as grow in compassion and bodhicitta. By the latter I may benefit the dying in their transition and perhaps even prepare better for the time that I don't survive something, because I know that death is inevitable.
Of course, this also gives me a different perspective on the incidents in daily life no matter how big they seem to be. For example, somehow when I submitted a change of mailing address to the VA years ago it never got entered into their regional office or national computer system although it was properly changed at the VA hospital where I get treatment. As a result of this, when an item of mail was returned because it had been addressed to the old address, they took action that caused my VA pension to not be sent to my bank this month. This is at least a bit annoying, because, as a modern guy, I have some of my bills set up on electronic funds transfer or automatic payment by debit card.
Although I was able to get the error corrected on the telephone, they could give me no idea how long I would have to wait for the replacement check or electronic deposit. Nevertheless, I can manage both by borrowing just enough to cover expenses that cannot be delayed like the water bill and the car insurance and by going to the food bank to get groceries. In fact, I already went to the food bank and receivved what they consider a one month supply of food for one person. Since I am fully vegetarian and my sister is not quite, I will trade the meat items to her for vegetarian items to take their place. This Sunday, my Dharma center will be closed which gives me the opportunity to visit the local Thai temple where I am sure that I will get both spiritual benefit and an excellent lunch.
This is just the stuff that happens in life. Whether it is this or leaving my bundle of practice texts at a friend's office where we did practice together, we need to adjust circumstances as we find them and do what is needed and find the tools to keep from being overwhelmed by our afflictive emotions. Fortunately, I have copies of what I need for my daily practice and can either go back to pick up the bundle or have it mailed to me. The mail might be the necessary route both because I don't have money to travel far and because I will have my colonoscopy scheduled next week. Having just watched part 1 the life of Milarepa on DVD, I can't help but think of how much more difficult his path to enlightenment was than mine might be. At the very least, I must learn from his persistence and perseverance lest I give up too soon to achieve what is possible in this lifetime. I am most fortunate to have a precious human life, powerful life experiences, access to teachers of the Dharma, and vajra brothers and sisters to help me along the path.
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