Karma and Compost

Lately I have had occasion to reflect on how fortunate I have been in this lifetime. At some times I might not have thought so, but I have a different perspective now, a particularly Buddhist one. Furthermore, this American holiday of Thanksgiving encourages one to think about how fortunate one is.
Over my whole lifetime, even in infancy, I have been on the verge of dying although I may have often regarded myself as a hail and hardy fellow. To the Western mind so many close brushes with death and the consequent medical procedures and sometimes rigorous therapies and protracted recoveries are inexplicable. Or else they may be regarded as curses of fate or of some deity. However, for me as a Buddhist it is simply a matter of cause and effect, Karmic causality. In some previous lifetime, perhaps even several, I have done things for which these things are the natural result. These Karmic seeds may have followed across centuries, but they definitely took root in this rebirth.
Furthermore, the conventional thinking I was taught in our Western culture and even that in much of Eastern cultures would regard all these “travails” as “curses,” “bad luck,” or some such undesirable circumstance. For me, however, they are the most fortunate of circumstances, because they “burn up” all of that “negative karma” rather than having it continue to follow me through still more rebirths.
On the other hand, I can also see the positive Karmic seeds that have also come to fruition in this lifetime. I have a “precious human life” with all of the Eight Freedoms and Ten Endowments. I was not born in the Hell realms, as a hungry ghost, as an animal, in a place where teachings are unavailable, as a long-life god (always content and therefore has no motivation for progress), with wrong view (no understanding of karma, and no understanding of past and future lives), where no Buddha has appeared, or lacking the capacity to learn anything. I was born as a human being, where there are teachings, possessing five senses, not having committed heavy negative karmas, able to have confidence in and devotion to the Triple Gem, where a Buddha has appeared, where a Buddha has taught, where the Dharma teachings flourish, where there are followers who enter the pure path of Dharma, and where there is support from the kindness of others, including the spiritual master.
When I was sitting in the room with the relic collection of the Maitreya Project Heart Shrine Relic Tour, I had to reflect that I was fortunate enough to have been with the relics twice already in my present lifetime and on both of those occasions I was there as a volunteer for the whole weekend. Furthermore, at that point I merely had the aspiration to attend once more as a volunteer over the coming weekend. As of this writing, it looks like that aspiration may actually be fulfilled.
As if these were not enough good things to come together in my present lifetime, I was sitting there not only in the presence of such precious relics, a physical manifestation of the great compassion, loving kindness, and other spiritual qualities of Shakyamuni Buddha and these other Buddhist masters, but also as a beginning monk given the immense, incalculable, wondrous responsibility of giving blessings with the very relics of Shakyamuni Buddha. Sometimes my eyes filled with tears and other times it felt as though my heart might burst because of the powerful emotion I felt as well as the enormous energies perceptible in the room and from the relic stupa.
I commented to several people that weekend, and since then, that it is as though all those negative and positive karmic seeds came together in this particular lifetime and landed in compost. They have all born fruit abundantly!! So much negative karma has been burned away and continues to be burned away! Even at this late date in this lifetime, I have not only found the Dharma, but I have been able to devote myself to it and to its service as a monk! I have found a Lama who can guide my spiritual life with enough patience to put up with me and not give up on me! I have had the good fortune to meet not just one but two mahasiddhas in this one lifetime already!
Over the course of the cancer diagnosis, cancer treatment, and the recovery from the treatment, it has been amazing how far a tiny bit of the Dharma has carried me. In spite of the persistence of some of my bad habits, with the guidance and patience of my Lama, I actually am making a little progress, enough that I can perceive the change in me. On the other hand, I remain aware that I am still just a baby Buddhist and a baby monk and the least Drikungpa of all. Nevertheless, there are ways that I can be of service to others and to the Dharma. Nothing I have ever done is totally wasted. Either I have learned skills which find application now to serve or my misdeeds give me understanding and compassion for others. Everything that I do now needs to done with a view to benefiting all sentient beings. That is where its true worth lies. I am most thankful that some little bit of what I do stands up to that test.

Life Changing Events

When we think of life changing events, we usually think of dramatic things such as marriages, divorces, car wrecks, diseases like cancer, deaths of loved ones, or even taking monastic vows. I have had all of those which were indeed life changing. However, perhaps the most life changing event of my life up to now was much quieter but no less profound.

Barely more than two months after being ordained as a “getsul,” a novice Tibetan Buddhist monk, in the Drikung Kagyu lineage, I went to our Boston center to help with the preparations for teachings and empowerments by His Holiness Chetsang Rinpoche, one of the two throne holders of our lineage. In other words he is one of the two top monks in our order in the whole world.

I very much enjoyed the peace of meditation and sadhana practice with the Jowo Rinpoche statue alone. The center was actually very quiet during my first days there, but it was not long before the preparations began in earnest. From that point until the day that His Holiness arrived, each day saw a higher level of activity together with more stress which sadly took its toll on some of the members there. Fortunately, the positive energies of this mahasiddha soon reached us as we became part of the mandala of a bodhisattva's action in the world. Solutions to problems seemed to present themselves with amazing ease. Peace and cooperation became dominant.

When the day of His Holiness' arrival at the center finally came, the welcoming ceremony, which had been planned, now had to be finalized. Persons were chosen for each part of the ceremony. The Khenpo who was arranging these things said that a monk should hold the ceremonial yellow parasol. Since he and I were the only monks present at the time, the honor fell to me, not due to any worthiness on my part but simply by virtue of my ordination alone. However, to put into perspective how great an honor I felt I had been granted, my Lama had been chosen to perform this same function at another location. Furthermore, I could not entertain any illusion that I deserved such an honor when my Lama was still having to correct me on the wearing of my robes.

When His Holiness finally arrived and the ceremony began, I was elated first by his smile as he got out of the car and then by my role in this beautiful ceremony which sought to express how we felt about the very great privilege of his visit. Even now, weeks afterward, the elation has not fully subsided, in part due to the continued opportunities to receive teachings and empowerments from him as well as to just be in his presence. Many Tibetan families in the Boston area invited him to their homes both for the great blessing that such a visit represented and also as the occasion of giving him the offering of their hospitality. Although I was the last and least of all the Drikung monastics, I was privileged to be included in these lunch and dinner invitations. Therefore, I was able to glimpse his interactions with so many different people and to witness his great compassion and loving kindness as well as his perfect equanimity. Furthermore, both he and my Lama were training me as a monk.

At all these homes people were putting before us what they regarded as their best. I was responsible to receive it with gratitude and grace, for their benefit, whether I deserved it or not, whether I liked it or not. Even as the last and least of all the Drikung monks, in this situation I represented all my brother monks especially those more worthy than I. Perhaps the most important lesson from my cancer was that I do not do good things for my benefit alone, but rather for the benefit of all sentient beings. That lesson was continued in the circumstances of my ordination and now in yet another situation.

It soon became apparent to me that Rinpoche's delight in our efforts, our deference and our gifts came not from receiving them for himself but rather from knowing the great spiritual benefit that they are to us. It was one more way that he was taking care of us. Since taking the throne of our lineage, he has worked tirelessly to preserve the great spiritual treasures of its teachings and empowerments as well as rebuilding the monastic and educational life to continue them far into the future. Furthermore, he does not just leave it to others to share these spiritual treasures with everyone. He has traveled so extensively throughout the world and especially in the West to bring this great wealth to a culture which suffers from such a great spiritual poverty. Perhaps his having lived under Chinese Communism and its Cultural Revolution, gives him a particular perspective on the ultimate development of modernity without anything spiritual which in turn shows how deeply we in the West need the Dharma.

As the last and least of all the Drikung monks, it was entirely appropriate that my interview with Rinpoche should be among the last. Furthermore, since I really did not have any questions, it was also fitting that it would be brief. I was able to introduce myself as both an old man and a new monk in our lineage. When he asked whether I was from Boston, I was able to tell him that although I was from Florida, I wanted to spend more time in Boston in the summers to be close to my Lama. He agreed that it would be a good thing for me to do just that.

When he left by car to go to Vermont, I grieved to see him leave, but I also had the opportunity to again see his love for all sentient beings when I saw how he delighted to see the dog of one of the people from the local community. Furthermore, I could look forward to returning to Florida to prepare for his teachings in my home area. I was able to arrive back early enough for the last of the scheduled work days although I was to discover that the work had already been done. Nevertheless, I was not denied the merit of helping in these preparations, because I was given some flowers to repot and I could share my experience from His Holiness' visit to Boston.

I was most fortunate to be able to greet Rinpoche as he arrived at the airport in Tampa and then to attend all the teachings and empowerments. In fact, it was a very great blessing to receive the Five-fold Mahamudra Torma empowerment a second time so soon after the first I received from His Holiness. This is but one more way that my entire time with His Holiness, whether receiving teachings and empowerments or sharing meals or just being in his presence, has been so life changing.

I deeply regret that my age and health kept me from attending the Blessing of the Gulf of Mexico and all beings affected by the recent oil spill which His Holiness did this morning. I have felt so troubled not only by the great loss of life but also by the lack of any uproar over it. At least the local Tibetan Buddhist community could ask for this and His Holiness fulfilled the request out of their compassion for all beings.

Sometimes I forget that the profound awareness of my own mortality that had so much to do with my aspiration to be ordained came from the living experience of surviving stuff for all of my life. From the aortic defect with which I was born through the car wreck that nearly killed me in more than one way to the prostate cancer from whose treatment I just finished recovering, just to mention the big stuff, I have in fact survived to not only find the Dharma but also to commit myself totally to it for the benefit of all sentient beings. The little residual effects of some of these life threatening events are necessary to help me remember.

I am most fortunate to have had the karmic seeds of my past bear fruit in the way they did. Not only has a lot of negative karma been cleansed, but in these circumstances of my life a treasury of experience has been built up to use in the service of others. Furthermore, they helped motivate my monastic aspiration both in order that I not continue to plant that kind of karmic seeds and in order that everything that I am and everything that I have may be committed to the service of the ultimate enlightenment of all sentient beings.

Finally, I have been so fortunate as to meet and recognize two mahasiddhas. How many other people never meet even one or at least never recognize one when they meet him or her? His Eminence Garchen Rinpoche and His Holiness Chetsang Rinpoche are now lasting parts of my life both by the effects they have already had on my life and by the ways that they shall influence and shape my life in the future. Thanks to something mentioned by another Western monastic, I now have the aspiration to be in Dehra Dun, India, or wherever His Holiness is in November 2011. I have no idea how that may be possible, but I must remember that my own ordination happened when it was not expected. Furthermore, if it comes to pass, it shall not be for my benefit alone but for the benefit of all sentient beings.

His Holiness Moves On

After almost a week with us, His Holiness Chetsang Rinpoche resumed his travels, being driven to Vajra Dakini Nunnery in Vermont. His stay here was an amazingly great blessing to all of us. I not only had the opportunity to learn from him in the formal teachings, but I also learned from him and his attendants as we visited Tibetan families in the area. For those families it was a very great blessing to offer him as well as us the hospitality of their homes. It is a good thing that I enjoy butter tea, because I drank a lot of it! More importantly, I saw the great devotion that so many people have for His Holiness and the great loving-kindness and compassion that he has for all sentient beings.

In From the Heart of Tibet, the biography of His Holiness by Elmar Gruber, the author talks about the way in which every action of a bodhisattva is for the specific purpose of fulfilling the goal of bringing about the enlightenment of all sentient beings. Furthermore, taken together such actions essentially create a mandala for that purpose. I have seen the clear non-randomness of the actions of both my Lama and His Holiness. In his teachings he explained that loving-kindness is the feeling that one has upon seeing an adorable baby and that compassion is the feeling that arises when we see the severely disadvantaged or seriously ill or disabled. He said that we need to meditate on these feelings to extend them to all sentient beings. It is evident that he has just such feelings for all of us.

I believe that a most profound change has come about in my perspectives as well as a major development in my monastic life. As part of His Holiness' mandala, I am a vehicle for the expression of loving-kindness and compassion. Furthermore, the phowa practice that is fundamental to my evening practice has a new depth.

I was fortunate enough to be able to have an interview with him, although I did not really have any questions. He asked whether I live in Boston. I told him that I live in Florida, but want to spend my summers up here to be of service and to be close to my Lama. He said that is a good thing. Furthermore, I told him that although I am old, I am one of his newer monks. Finally, I told him that I look forward to seeing him in Florida.

In all the visits to Tibetan families as well as sitting at the dining table with His Holiness' attendants, I found my self immersed in Tibetan conversations. Additionally, after his last teaching, His Holiness addressed the local Tibetan community followed by the chanting of special prayers. In all of this I only understood a word here and there and only comprehended the general meaning a couple of times. Nevertheless, it all felt so familiar. At one point in my stay here, a discussion arose on how best to learn Tibetan. Of course, the conclusion was that immersion is best and several ways of accomplishing that were suggested.

A Gelugpa gelong with whom I correspond on the computer told me, when I informed him of my ordination, to be “prepared of an exciting ride.” This week has definitely been an clearcut example of that. Of course, there were so many opportunities to share the Dharma. Furthermore, I had the chance repeatedly to recall interdependent origination and karmic causality. I am nothing special, merely the result of certain causes under certain conditions, basic cause and effect. From the beginning of this lifetime with its causes and conditions I am growing and changing due to the present conditions which include my friends and my teachers. If there is anything meritorious that I have done or will yet do for the benefit of all sentient beings, it is the result of those causes and conditions which means parents, grandparents, family, friends, teachers, and my Lama. They are truly deserving of the credit!

After this time with His Holiness Drikung Kyabgon Chetsang Rinpoche, he is also one of those who have shaped who and what I am!

His Holiness Arrives

The work kept continuing and the level of activity seemed to keep increasing. Unfortunately, it was hard for everyone to not stress over the amount of work that needed to be done and concern that things might not get finished or might fall short of our goals. Nevertheless, positive energy that I must attribute to His Holiness' giving us his help in our tasks clearly made things happen which might not otherwise come about.

Repairs were happening with amazing ease that I had anticipated to be much more complicated. Volunteers showed up to do tasks that could not otherwise get done. Meals were prepared almost spontaneously even amazing the cooks who prepared them as far as matching the number of diners and suiting their tastes so well.

Nevertheless, it seemed that so much remained to be done that we could not possibly finish it. On the day His Holiness was to arrive rooms still needed to be prepared and matched to the occupants since there are two tulkus and so many khenpos and lamas. We did not have a confirmation from either the Tibetan or the Chinese dancers that they would in fact be here. Hardly any of us knew what our specific role would be in the formal welcoming ceremony.

However, when we had the warning that they were about 30 minutes away, tasks were assigned by Khenpo Choepel. He made the statement that the yellow parasol should be carried by a monk. At that particular moment he and I were the only monastics here, resulting in my being chosen for this role. Unfortunately, the time estimate was a little off. After we had stood waiting for a long time, His Holiness and his attendants and one tulku finally arrived. Since I am shorter than His Holiness and the attendant who walked beside him, this did turn out to be a great exercise in mindfulness and concentration. Nevertheless, I performed my duties without error and felt the great honor that it was to have this role in the welcoming ceremony.

I had planned to be taking lots of photographs of His Holiness' arrival and to give him a small bunch of carnations. I was able to do neither of those two things, but instead did something much more wonderful. It is so hard to express how I felt or even how I now feel. I have been in the presence of a great being and was blessed to be able to serve him.

We are all quite tired, having been moving steadily since we awoke this morning, but we all seem to have a glow about us that comes from having served a mahasiddha. We have received his blessing which is a powerful thing. His great love and compassion for all sentient beings is both obvious and clearly felt. With that our tiredness has a very satisfying, contented feeling to it.

As the last and the least of the Drikung Kagyu monks, especially in the company of such outstanding monastics, I am finding myself more comfortable with the honor shown to me as a monk. For me the key is that I remember that it is not for me personally but rather for all Tibetan Buddhist monastics together. Furthermore, I also remember the eighth precept which prohibits “sitting on a high or expensive bed or throne” which, in part has to do with taking a more honored place. Whether is is a matter of my place in the shrine or temple or my place at the dining table, I wait to be told where to sit unless the place is totally obvious as in the case of being the newest monk, meaning that my place would be the very last.

I am most blessed to be under the same roof with a mahasiddha. I look forward to the time that I will be able to be in his presence and to work for him. Moreover I am most anxious to be able to receive teachings and empowerments. It is as though I were to be taught by Shakyamuni Buddha himself.

Preparing for a Precious Holy Guest

There are now only three days until His Holiness Chetsang Rinpoche arrives here. The whole community connected to this Dharma Center is working on various aspects of the preparations. Those who reside in this house are giving up their rooms to make them available to all the khenpos and lamas who will be traveling with His Holiness or will be coming for this occasion. Additional “lama-ware” had to be bought, because there will probably more senior monastics staying here than have ever stayed here at one time.

Special decorations are being made for the occasion. Special prayer books are being printed for the events that will be held here in Arlington, MA. An HD camcorder was bought to supplement the professional video that will document this visit by the head of our lineage. I have even been checking that my digital SLR is fully ready and that my graphic software in the laptop is up to date.

The grounds and the building are getting a more thorough cleaning than they have had in quite some time. Today, in addition to all the other housecleaning happening, a senior ngakpa and I will clean the actual Jowo shrine. When our Lama gets back from New York, it had better be perfect!

We have cooks preparing different meals for every day that His Holiness stays here. Lama has been lining up members of the community who want to host Rinpoche for a dinner which will be a great blessing for them. A professional florist associated with the Center will prepare flower arrangements to beautify the Center. Donors have even provided for an air conditioner for the lama room to ensure that it does not get too hot for His Holiness.

All these efforts and all the labor that is being expended in these preparations is, in the final analysis, for our own benefit, arising out of our feelings for His Holiness and our profound respect for him. While we are in fact doing everything unselfishly to express honor to a mahasiddha, because he is in actuality just that, he will receive it in perfect equanimity. Nevertheless he will be pleased by it, not on account of what he receives, but on account of the love and compassion which we have generated and the great merit that we will accumulate.

Having read the biography of His Holiness Chetsang Rinpoche, The Heart of Tibet , as well as knowing the great regard that His Holiness the Dalai Lama and His Eminence Garchen Rinpoche have for him, I have absolutely no doubt that he is indeed a mahasiddha. Not only was his compassion, equanimity, and moral fortitude developed in the most difficult conditions of the occupation of Tibet by China, but it had already been formed during his previous rebirths. We are most fortunate to receive teachings and empowerments from such a spiritual giant.

Doubtless just as important for us as well as important to him would be our spiritual preparations for his arrival. One of the residents here made a silent retreat before the level of activity and stress got out of hand. Lama has stayed as close to His Holiness as possible through the teachings that were close enough for him to attend. As for myself, I have sought to follow Khenchen Rinpoche's advice that the best thing I can do for the benefit of all sentient beings is to keep my vows. Furthermore, I strive to keep the instructions of my Lama. Therefore, I have begun Ngondro Practice (although at the present rate it will take 14 ½ years to complete the prostrations) and have started studying The Jewel Ornament of Liberation and strive to find all the small ways to be of service here.

When His Holiness took the throne as Chetsang Rinpoche, one of the two throne holders of the Drikung Kagyu lineage, the order was in a sad state in the Diaspora. Since then he has built it into a powerful spiritual force with both new and reconstructed monasteries as well as Dharma Centers worldwide. Why has he done this? He has done it to benefit all sentient beings, to bring them to enlightenment. This, too, should be our goal.

Precious Human Life

From the four thoughts that turn the mind to the Dharma, “Oh! This kind of leisure and endowment is supremely difficult to obtain. When we obtain this body, which is easily lost, do not waste it meaninglessly but use it to attain the ultimate liberation – joyous result.” This is talking about what we call precious human life which is indeed most precious and quite rare.

When one considers all of the different forms of life on this planet, human beings are but a tiny minority here. Furthermore, having the “leisure and endowment” makes “precious human life” rarer even than just being born human. “ Leisure” refers to having time and energy not devoted to survival that one may invest in the study and practice of the Dharma. “ Endowment” refers to having the mental or physical capacity for such study and practice and to have the contact with the Dharma.

Today I made a thrift store shopping trip during which I found nothing for which I was searching. However, I did look around and reflected that I was most fortunate to have “precious human life.” While sitting on a bench resting from my walk, I saw a young man passing by me who obviously was dealing with frightful visions that stood between him and interacting with other human beings. Others were struggling to obtain the basic necessities. Still others were caught up in the dramas of their lives. Yet others faced Down's Syndrome or other mental challenges.

For all of these persons I felt great compassion both for the struggles they faced and for their lack of the opportunity to study and practice the Dharma. At the same time I felt the deepest gratitude for the opportunity that I have both to study and to practice the Dharma. I could just as easily been born in similar circumstances or just been oblivious to the Dharma. Indeed, I know that I have had other rebirths in which I had no contact with the Dharma.

On his occasion as on many others when I am out and about I was chanting mantras silently. Some time as I am starting out I say the short refuge prayer and the “four immeasurables” to establish the right motivation. After chanting whatever mantras I have been chanting I will dedicate the merit with a brief prayer. I actually think of this as protecting myself as best I can from the mental poisons, because a mantra is quite literally “mind protection.” However, tonight as we were doing Green Tara practice, I realized that I had given to all these suffering persons a real help, the only help I was able to give them, my mantra recitation, because most of the time I had been chanting the Green Tara mantra.

I do not have the financial wealth to help them. In fact when I dug in my bag to give to one man I only found a few nickels and pennies. Nor do I have professional expertise to deal with their conditions. I clearly do not have siddhis to help them by miraculous means. Nevertheless, I did give them the help that I do have for them.

In this lifetime I actually had my first contact with the Dharma quite early although I ignored it for so many years. It is only at this late age that I have devoted attention and energy to the study and practice of the Dharma. I am most fortunate to have been granted ordination in order that I may devote myself to this for the rest of my life no matter how long or short.

I cannot know whether I have enough years left in this life to attain enlightenment, the “joyous result,” but I rather doubt it. Nevertheless, I can draw closer to it and perhaps accumulate the merit for the positive Karma to have not only another “precious human life” but also an earlier contact and devotion to the Dharma. Lama has said that I must have done something right in my previous rebirths to have the opportunities that I have had in this present lifetime.

Whatever the future may hold, whether in this lifetime or in a future rebirth, I do have the most precious chance to work not only for my own benefit but also for the benefit of all sentient beings. Indeed that is the most important effort we may make. Therefore I am certain that it was not useless or meaningless that I was silently chanting some Chenrezig mantras and even more Tara mantras and dedicating them “ for the benefit of all sentient beings.” I truly want the compassion that I felt for and the intention that I directed toward all these suffering people to bear fruit for their benefit.

UnSouthern Potato Salad

One of the folks here at Drikung Meditation Center Boston boiled a few potatoes and even cut them up, but left them with a note for someone to make potato salad with them. Not being anywhere near a gourmet cook, I left them alone, thinking someone else would do it. However, when it got around to late Sunday afternoon, it was clear that no one had that intention yet. Therefore, being a Southern boy, I do know a little about potato salad. Thus I set out to make a batch of potato salad.

In my mind I have the list of ingredients that I am accustomed to using in a Southern potato salad. I started looking for them and soon realized that I would have to do a little substituting. I couldn't find sweet pickle relish but found other pickles and chopped up a few. I couldn't find any celery, but found half of a large bell pepper and chopped it up. The only form of garlic was whole cloves, one of which I chopped as finely as I could. There was mayonnaise but there was only spicy brown mustard. However, the French's spicy brown was close enough to yellow that I used it. When I was looking for ingredients, I had seen fresh basil and fresh tarragon and couldn't resist chopping up a little of both to go in my potato salad. Finally, I had boiled two eggs which I now chopped up and threw in.

Putting it all in a large enough mixing bowl to give me room to thoroughly mix it, I stirred it all together. I was careful that I did not tear up the egg whites to keep them visible in the finished salad. At this point I added the mustard to be able to judge how much to add by the color it imparted.

After I put it in a container to put into the refrigerator, I sat down to write this blog. Only then did I realize that I had left out the one ingredient specifically bought for the potato salad, onion. I went back into the kitchen, chopped up half an onion and added it. Now my potato salad was finished.

Almost nothing about the potato salad was according to plan. Nevertheless, based on my own taste test, it came out fine. At least it suits my tastes, although I may be the only one who likes it.

In the bigger picture of things, from the time that I took refuge as a Tibetan Buddhist, nothing has gone according to plan. Nevertheless, I wound up with enough Dharma active in my life to see me through the diagnosis of cancer, its treatment, and the recovery from that treatment. Not only that, I was able to turn the burning up of all the negative Karma that the disease process represented into something positive for my own benefit as well as that of other sentient beings. Now I sit here a Tibetan Buddhist monk, albeit a “baby monk.”

Sleeping Late

Today I got up at 7:00 AM. If I were back in Florida, that would be getting up early. However, here at Drikung Meditation Center Boston, that is sleeping late. It isn't that someone is setting a time that I should awake, but rather that I have been getting up between 5:00 and 6:00 AM except for the first two mornings when I was still getting over the lack of sleep on the train.

This would not feel like sleeping late except for the things I missed about the morning that went with the earlier wake up time. Those other days I was up before anyone in the house. My first meditation of the day and sometimes even my morning practice was in a totally quiet house. That felt like a very special time alone with the Jowo Rinpoche statue.

Nevertheless, I did get to do Vajrasattva practice with the Sunday morning Dharma group. That makes the second time for that practice since I got here. We have been familiarizing ourselves with things that will be done differently when His Holiness is here. Certain prayers will be slightly different with the teachings and empowerments. We were even learning his name not just his title and position. We also talked about the subjects of his teachings as well as materials which we may read in order to prepare ourselves individually for these teachings and empowerments.

Ironically, after sleeping two hours later than usual and even going to bed an hour earlier than I have been, giving me three hours more sleep, I find myself yawning. Today is a drizzly day. Rain always makes me sleepy. It often feels like there is nothing better to do on a rainy day than sleep. However, I still have things that need to get done. I haven't done my nine round breathing or my morning practice yet. I want to make a batch of Southern potato salad from boiled potatoes left in the refrigerator a couple of days ago. I think that will be a treat not only for myself, but also for other residents of the house.

I look forward to finding time in Lama's schedule in the coming week for us to have some of the talks we probably should have had before I was ordained. Not only that but there are certain circumstances which have arisen since ordination with which I must deal. I guess it all comes down to, “ What should I be doing now that I am a monk?” Furthermore, I need for him to really define my responsibility with regard to Katsel Meditation Tampa. There is even the matter of the group at the Unity Church in Plant City who want a meditation class. What we do, we do for the benefit of all sentient beings and this should include these seekers.

Lessons from Our Mothers and Grandmothers

Growing up in a very loving, caring family, where loving-kindness, compassion and generosity were taught and practiced gives one a different perspective on many things. We were always taught that if we shared what we had with others, we would never do without. We were taught this in a particularly Christian context, but I have come to believe that it is built into the structure of the universe. I am certain that it is simple cause-and-effect, simple Karma.

I made the trip up here to Drikung Meditation Center Boston on a shoestring, trusting that I would not only be able to get here but also have what I needed once I was here. I was most fortunately helped to make the trip by very caring persons who also practiced generosity. Nevertheless, it seems almost everything costs more in Boston than in Florida, resulting in going through way more money than I thought I might.

In the Center's kitchen, while not all things are held in common, there is still much sharing. One of the “rules” of the kitchen is that if there is no name on something, it is available for anyone to eat. Some things are donated in support of the Center, while others are left by visitors, and still other things come as the produce of a community supported agriculture farm. When I have bought food items, I have felt that it would be inappropriate for me, as a monk, to mark it as “mine.” Thus I have found myself going through more than three loaves of bread in a week. At the same time I have eaten most of my meals from shared items or those which have been left behind by other visitors. Nevertheless, I found myself feeling anxiety when the third loaf of bread was finished.

Most fortunately, at this point I remembered both my lessons from childhood and the principles governing my new life as a monk. For all of my life I never saw a failure of what my grandmother and mother taught about sharing. As long as I shared openly and freely, my needs were always be met. Now, as a monk, I have to remember that in some other countries I would go on a daily alms round depending on that for my sustenance.

It seems that I can get just as attached to a false idea or concept as I can to a physical object. The illusory security of a full cupboard or pantry can be rigidly held. This is yet another attachment leading to suffering as much as any other. One may feel the need to protect it and fear the loss of it, both of which would be destructive to happiness.

I sit here with a place to stay and food to eat. I don't need to demand the guarantee of either of those for the future, because I don't even have a guarantee of a future in which to need them. In actual fact, there is still enough of everything for days which is quite enough that I should not worry. If I do worry, I am foolishly causing myself needless suffering.

However, isn't that precisely what we human beings are doing to ourselves all the time. Some suffering comes to us when others do us harm, but most of our suffering is of our own making. Indeed the “harm” that others may do to us is really the perception of events which may not actually be anything more than a nuisance if we looked at it honestly.

This brings us right back to the most fundamental truths of Buddhism, the Four Noble Truths:

1. To live means to suffer.

2. The origin of suffering is attachment to transient things and the ignorance thereof.

3. The cessation of suffering can be attained.

4. The path to the cessation of suffering is the Noble Eightfold Path.

Isn't it great that the Dharma is everywhere? Not only that, but our mothers and grandmothers taught it even without knowing the word “Dharma”?

For the Benefit of All Sentient Beings

Living alone I don't normally have to concern myself with how most of my actions at home affect other people. If I sing too loud or off key, no one is disturbed by it. If I take up the whole doorway or hall, no one is blocked by it. If I put something down and leave it or pick something up and move it, no one is affected by that. If I leave a light on or turn one off, it doesn't matter to anyone except me.

Staying here at Drikung Meditation Center Boston, on the other hand, almost every one of our actions affects our housemates. Unfortunately bad habits grow better and faster than good ones, much like the weeds in a garden. In shared living circumstances we have to do some self examination regularly for the benefit of all. Is my conversation a little too loud, disturbing someone who is praying? Am I being too expansive in my use of space not sharing the shrine with others?

Khenchen Konchok Gyaltsen Rinpoche says that our Dharma practice is really outside the shrine room. It is carried with us in all our activities. This applies especially among those living at a center like this. We can be seen as representing Tibetan Buddhism to newcomers and visitors. I, for one, am still a baby Buddhist as well as a baby monk. I still have so much to learn and so much of the garbage of the past to sweep away.

I won't change overnight. Nobody does. Nevertheless we have some very effective tools at our disposal which work just as effectively as they always have. Human beings have not changed much in the 25 or 26 centuries since Lord Buddha taught them. We study the Dharma and even practice it when we meet once of twice a week, but the real test of our learning is how we apply it all the other days of the week and in all the other circumstances of our lives. Isn't this at least part of “for the benefit of all sentient beings”?

Dharma Practice Tonight

Tonight at Drikung Meditation Center Boston, we had sadhana practice. We were a small group, but that is not important. Wednesday nights are scheduled as Vajrasattva practice. This is the first time since I returned from Spring Retreat ordained for me to do this practice. I had planned to do it several times, but something always happened.

I had almost forgotten how good this particular practice makes me feel. It is like the best of Orthodox Christian confession and then more. This seemed all the more intense tonight because of the added force that the commitment that my vows represent adds to these prayers. Furthermore, the extent to which circumstances have made me “bend” the samayas (without breaking them) adds a degree of urgency to my need for such cleansing. I only know that I need to ask Lama how I may integrate this particular practice in my overall practices.

Thrifting around Boston

I went “thrifting” this afternoon. Actually it was a modest excursion heading to just one store, because, much to my surprise, thrift stores are few and far between in the Boston metropolitan area. There are none in Arlington and only a few in Cambridge. Others are scattered around Boston and its suburbs, few easily accessible by public transit.

Unfortunately, for the store I chose, it was the wrong day in the wrong week. The volunteers that run it apparently took vacation and, furthermore, the store is only open Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. Even then the hours are rather short. I'll have to try again next week, perhaps making a two store trip.

At least I did get to see a little corner of Harvard. I really wasn't up to walking over that much of such a large campus. An interesting feature was the space behind one library which was little more than an alley, but had been made into a kind of park with benches, trees, and bicycle racks. In the nearby shopping area I saw another alley between two buildings which was actually more of a pedestrian mall.

While I was in that area, I had an interesting encounter. A strangely-mannered young man came up to me inquiring whether we had a monastery in the area. I then explained about being here to assist in preparing for His Holiness' teachings. Before we parted ways he told me that I have “good energy.” I really don't know what transpired, but it seemed that his day was made better by our brief conversation.

Nevertheless, I remain puzzled by the scarcity of thrift shops in this area. Back in Florida they are quite common. My hometown which is quite small has four, at least. Nearby Tampa has many more. I do not understand why a metropolitan area as large as Boston does not have even more that Tampa. At least the one in which I attempted to shop promises to be a good one because the seem to have a lot of space and there location near Harvard would suggest that they might get good donations.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 82 – The End of This Book - Maybe

If I am able to fulfill my Lama's wishes this blog that I have written over the course of this particular journey is to be turned into a book. In a work of fiction the final chapter brings everything neatly to a close, leaving no loose ends, although perhaps providing the basis for a sequel. Of course, in life things don't work out in such a neat and tidy way. Nevertheless, this real life story has come close to such an ending of this phase.

My cancer has been successfully treated although I still await the “cancer-free” designation. At the same time I am entering on a new phase of my life as a Tibetan Buddhist monk.

In a fictional tale I would have been declared cancer-free by the oncologist and then gone to be ordained a monk and the moved into a monastery. In real life, my ordination was unscheduled and unexpected, the status of my cancer was unknown at that time, and there really isn't a monastery in our lineage for me to enter. Furthermore, right after the ordination I had a high PSA result which could have indicated the return of my cancer or even metastasis. Of course, I am grateful that it was merely what they call a “bounce.”

Nevertheless, I cannot complain about the way things have turned out so far. I was ordained on the day for the commemoration of the parinirvana of the founder of our order. The robes I had for my ordination were “hand-me-downs,” borrowed and drastically marked-down, all very appropriate for a monk. After I returned home from Spring Retreat, I did find the good news about my cancer, eventually. With regard to my ordination, I have been well received. Furthermore, my sister has told me that I seem more content and happy than she has remembered me being in a long time.

Our Dharma Center has grown to the point that we have outgrown the private home in which we met and have had to seek a new venue. In addition it has undergone a reorganization that will probably put it on a better basis for further growth, ultimately being able to have a resident Lama and several of us monks. I now need to talk to my Lama about the nature of my role at the Center and whether there might not be some simpler topics on which I can share my experience in lieu of formally teaching. I have been able to share little bits of the Dharma as I have traveled about in my robes.

As I was sitting in Boston's South Station waiting for my ride to arrive, a young lady approached me offering to buy me coffee. When she returned with coffee and a muffin, we talked about her miscarriage and the ensuing depression. In fact we talked until she had to catch her train. While I cannot claim any particular qualifications, my own struggles with my own depression have given me great empathy for anyone else dealing with it. Her Karma and my Karma placed us just there at just that time when my experiences could help her.

As I work toward the upcoming teachings, I especially look forward to His Holiness Chetsang Rinpohe's Amitayus Empowerment and teachings and his Great Drikung Phowa Transmission and Teachings. Since I have been close to dying so many times in my life, nevertheless surviving. I want to actively and concretely prepare for my own death which I know will come, perhaps even unexpectedly. However, I can be prepared if I will work at it, maybe even attaining enlightenment, but at least taking steps to gain a good rebirth.

Every experience I have ever had, every skill that I have mastered, and every job that I have ever done have all prepared me in various ways to be useful in service of others. Whether I am helping with preparations for teachings from our great Lamas or in some measure comforting the sick or dying or merely bringing the appropriate clergy to them, my whole life has value, the good and even the bad parts. I am happiest when I remember that everything that I do is not for my benefit alone but for the benefit of all sentient beings.

The Least Drikungpa – Prologue – A New Beginning

On the 25th day of the 4th month of the Year of the Tiger (7th of June 2010), at 3:45 pm, I was ordained with the name Konchok Jangchup Dorje. Just like dates being BC or AD or historical documents saying “In the fifth year of the reign of king so-and-so...,” this will is the demarcation point for major changes in my life. The character of these is such that they deserve that a new blog be begun. This is particularly appropriate, since much of what concerned my “Journey through Cancer” is now past. While I have not received the “all clear” from the oncologists yet, the aftereffects of the treatment have almost completely cleared up and my PSA readings continue to decrease in spite of the one higher reading which would be regarded as a “ bounce,” a common phenomenon in the second year after radiation.

In the two months since my ordination there have been notable changes in my life with respect both to the reaction of others to my new status and to my own adjustments to the commitment that I have made. Khenchen Konchok Gyaltsen Rinpoche's advice to me with regard to benefiting others, considering the unlikelihood of my becoming a lama at my age, was for me to keep my vows. While it is obvious that I should keep my vows, the value of that may not be so obvious nor is the keeping of them so easy. Nevertheless, in the weeks since my ordination my sister has commented that I seem happier and more content than she has seen me in many years.

When it came to choosing a title for this blog series that starts with my ordination, my place at any gathering of monks keeps my perspective on my place within the whole order. Therefore, in keeping with the prayer in which we refer to “The Great Drikungpa, Ratnashri...” I recognize that I am “ the Least Drikungpa.”

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 81 – Interminable Delay and Agonizing Waiting

When my PSA first went above the 4.0 upper limit of “normal,” starting this journey through cancer, I began a process of finding out its significance which was characterized by long delays between the steps of the process. First, I had to be evaluated by urology for them to decide whether a biopsy was warranted. After the biopsy, I had to wait for its results. After those results, I had to wait to set up a treatment plan. After the treatment had been planned, I had to wait for the treatments to actually begin. Those 45 radiation treatments took more than nine weeks to complete. Even after those treatments, it took a long time for me to recover from their aftereffects.

At this point I had thought I would be expecting soon to hear that I was free of cancer. Instead, I have begun a new cycle of interminable delay and agonizing waiting. It has been a month since I got the unwelcome lab results of a PSA which had more than doubled from the previous reading. While I know that it has been long enough that it would be appropriate to order a new PSA test to confirm that increase, I found out that no such test has been ordered until September and then I would not get those results until December or January. I don't consider that an acceptable delay!!

I decided that it was now time to be my own patient advocate. A little assertiveness would be required. First I could contact the urology oncology clinic to have them order a PSA test before my upcoming appointment. If that didn't work, I could call my primary care physician to do the same. I was fairly sure that he would order it if the urology oncology clinic didn't, because he had ordered it before the appointment I was to have had which I changed to see him sooner.

In the end the nurse manager of my primary care clinic told me to simply go to the outpatient lab and ask them to go ahead and draw blood for the tests ordered for September. When I did, there was no problem. Now I not only had the PSA test, but also the rest of the fasting labs for my appointment with my primary care doctor.

With the test results in the computer, I went to my urology oncology appointment where I found out that my PSA had gone back down to 1.3, a very acceptable level. It seems that the 2.6 was just a “bounce.” I had read about the phenomenon whereby some patients who had had radiation therapy would have a high PSA some time in their second year after treatment. Therefore, I was not facing a return of my cancer at this time, but rather could still consider myself cancer-free even without that “official” designation.

However, I have to realize that the most unpleasant aspects of this experience came from losing sight of the most basic principles of mindfulness. I was not dealing with what was here and now, but rather with what might be. At any moment there are infinite possibilities for “what might be,” but there is only one set of phenomena in my experience which are actually here and now. It is only that with which I may interact. Furthermore, I had narrowed my focus to think only of myself, even then forgetting that, whatever the course of this particular journey, it originated in the fruition of karmic seeds that I had myself planted.

How much have I gone through during the two plus years of this “Journey through Cancer” that has been transformed from the mere endurance of what was required to burn up the negative karma into something positive that could benefit others? Such a transformation was only possible because of the tiny bit of Dharma active in my life. Now that I am a novice monk, devoted to the Dharma, I forgot all of that for these weeks?

While I am ashamed of such a lapse, I remember that I am not a fully realized being, but merely one who is on the path occasionally falling into the ditch. The wisdom of the abbot leaving my name unchanged again manifests in the reminder that it contains. Our goal is enlightenment, buddhahood, for the benefit of all sentient beings, but I am not there yet!

The Unexpected Fulfillment of my Monastic Aspiration - Epilogue

On the 25th day of the 4th month of the Year of the Tiger (7th of June 2010), at 3:45 pm, I was ordained with the name Konchok Jangchup Dorje.

The days and weeks since that momentous event in my life have been a continuing process of revelation and motivation toward spiritual progress. Of course, this has not been without its difficulties and missteps along the way. There has definitely been a learning curve both for myself and for those around me. Whether it is my new wardrobe or my greater priority for attending every activity of the Dharma Center, it is both a matter of my own exercise of will and an adjustment on the part of family and friends.

Although we have Thai Buddhist monks here, being the only Tibetan Buddhist monk in this small town, creates a learning opportunity for everyone I meet as I go about normal errands. I am even the only Tibetan Buddhist monk visiting the VA Hospital when I go for my medical appointments. My last time keeping such an appointment, a VA police officer approached me and asked what kind of monk I am. About an hour later a fellow veteran approached with the same question.

As my Lama had already told me and I had already experienced while traveling, my robes create opportunities to share the Dharma in small bits. These are not times for extensive teachings, but rather moments for the most succinct statements both to answer the question and to stimulate curiosity. This can vary from the Muslim who asks whether we believe in a God, to which I answer, “It is not required,” to the former Baptist who asks who Buddha is, to which I answer, “A man who achieved enlightenment and taught the rest of us how to achieve it.”

There is a serious responsibility to answer such questions with the best answer that I can give, which serves to motivate me toward study. I had hoped to be able to enroll in more classes from Dharmakirti College by now, but constraints on time and money prevent it for the time being. Instead, I am pulling out my notebook and textbooks from the course I already took from them to review that material. Additionally, I am creating flash cards, both computer and physical, to memorize the “enumerations” such as “six trainings” and “five Buddha families.” Additionally, I shall review notes from all the teachings that I have attended and review or even reread the basic books that I have read over the years., sort of my own course.

Things have evolved with our Dharma Center such that we can no longer meet in the private home where we had been holding our twice-weekly classes and group practices. We have found a public venue for one day, but I am continuing the search for at least one other venue to try to keep up the level of practice that the group had previously. Toward this end, I believe that my being a monk facilitates the process, although any site found will still be referred to the “Katsel Meditation Tampa” board for confirmation.

Although I am well aware that I am not a qualified teacher for much of anything, I plan to talk with my Lama when I see him in Boston about whether I might be able to teach the most basic of things when needed. I am certain that even with such fundamental subjects there is always more to learn, but I may be able to do some good with regard to helping beginners. Nevertheless, this is but one of the many things that I know that I need to talk over with my Lama face to face.

Just as my name ever reminds me that our goal is enlightenment, Buddhahood, which I have not yet achieved, I also remember that that is not for myself alone, but for the benefit of all sentient beings. Likewise, my ordination is not for myself alone, but for the benefit of all sentient beings. This is still only the beginning of that to which I have committed the rest of my life. I still have to continue the process of cleaning out this little house, getting rid of all the stuff packed into it that no longer serves a purpose with regard to my monastic life. The challenge in that process is not only to get rid of it but also to find some way for it to benefit others.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 80 - On the Road Again

During the time of my recovery from radiation therapy for prostate cancer, I had trouble develop in my little pickup truck. I broke one of my rules for taking care of a vehicle properly, letting the gas tank get below ¼ tank. As a result the fuel filter got clogged up. However, I did not find out about it until I returned from my trip to Boston last year. Before I left, it had merely “sputtered” when starting at a stoplight. When I got back, it would crank but not stay running. Since my experience suggested that this would be a clogged fuel filter, I bought a fuel as well as air filters.

However, by this time a new aftereffect of the radiation therapy had developed, rectal bleeding. This began to seriously impair my ability to do lots of things. Often I would have to sprint to the bathroom, not always successfully, trying to avoid a “bowel accident.” This symptom persisted even after cauterizing, what I called “arc welding,” had stopped all the lesions from bleeding. Furthermore, it took some time for strength and stamina to start improving. Nevertheless, working a little along, I began replacing filters and changing spark plugs and even tracing fuel lines to find the fuel filter. Aggravatingly the fuel filter was nowhere near the locations for it that were shown in repair manuals or suggested by friends.

Ultimately, lacking sufficient manual strength and dexterity, I had to ask for help. In the course of my recovery, it has been important that I regain the ability to do the things that I am accustomed to doing. While it is always hard to ask for help, this aspect of recovery of one's health makes it just that much more difficult. Nevertheless, having asked, I received help from the friend of a friend. The fuel filter was changed, the distributor cap and rotor was replaced, and a new battery was installed. The little “monk-mobile” is running beautifully. Moreover, several people gained the merit that comes from helping a monk and we were able to help a young man having difficulty in this bad economic times.

I still have a couple of simple tasks to do myself, cleaning the windows and windshield and changing the oil. I'll also need to get things out of the interior of the truck that really don't belong there and start putting my tools back into the truck box. Furthermore, I think I may need to put a locking gas cap on it, because I seem to have had some fuel siphoned from it during this long period that it sat without moving.

Even in so mundane a thing as vehicle repair, we are not doing it for ourselves alone, but for the benefit of others also. In this instance, it helped the young man who did the work, accrued merit to those who made it happen, and shall further benefit those whom I may now better serve.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 79 – As the Journey Continues – Disappointing Labs

Monday I had another appointment with the oncologist which I had expected to show continued progress. However, whereas my previous PSA test value had been 1.1, this one was 2.6, more than double, and heading in the wrong direction. Needless to say, I was disappointed, but I understand that a single lab result does not make a trend. Too many other things could cause an elevated PSA result for us to conclude that the cancer is back. We just have to monitor this, but we cannot take it for granted, because it is not a good change.

Nevertheless, I plan to resume my program of alternative treatments in the meantime. I shall again make my “medicinal noodles” with the Reishi broth and Shitake mushrooms and broccoli. I will again be drinking green tea with lemongrass. I shall also commence the Tibetan inner yoga practice that I just learned at Spring Retreat, “ the one cure for a hundred illnesses.” I had previously used a form of visualization with a meditation for mobilizing the “healer within.” This will definitely be more advanced and hopefully more powerful and effective.

As things had been progressing, it had seemed reasonable that this appointment would have continued the same trend of steadily improving lab results. My “Journey Through Cancer” was wrapping up both in life and in this blog. I had even taken ordination as a Tibetan Buddhist monk which would have helped shape the final blog entries as well as the conclusion of any book derived from this blog. However, life usually doesn't follow such neat patterns and hasn't in this case. Nevertheless, I find it not coincidental that I just learned this inner yoga practice at Spring Retreat and did so after my ordination.

Throughout this “Journey Through Cancer” my Buddhist faith has provided me with the tools to cope with the difficulties that it presented. Indeed, I have been able to find means to turn the negatives into positives, to make the purification of my karma the occasion of gaining merit through its benefit to others. It may now have provided a tool for dealing with a health problem at such an early stage that other means may not be required. Nevertheless, I shall continue to use all the tools that I am provided as I continue the journey a little farther.

Among the tools that I now have are the ten precepts of the novice monk or getsul/sramanera. According to these precepts I am to avoid:

“ 1. killing (To break from the root, one must kill a human being with intention);

2. taking what is not given (stealing) (To break from the root, one must steal something that could bring about legal intervention in one's society);

3. sexual intercourse (To break from the root, one must have intention and experience orgasm. This refers to heterosexual or homosexual contact.);

4. lying (To break from the root, one must lie about one's spiritual attainments);

5. taking intoxicants (This includes alcohol and recreational drugs);

6. singing, dancing, playing music;

7. wearing perfume, ornaments or cosmetics to beautify the body;

8. sitting on a high or expensive bed or throne;

9. eating after midday;

10. touching gold, silver or precious objects (including money). ”

Unfortunately, I had to start out bending the last two from the very beginning, because of diabetes and because of the bus trip. Nevertheless, I cannot afford to be casual about such “bending” of either of them. Any eating after midday must be regarded as something done out of medical necessity and not something from which to derive pleasure. Likewise, I must minimize my handling of money without ever losing sight of the fact that any handling of it still is contrary to the precept no matter how unavoidable the situation may be at the time.

When I stated that it was unlikely that I would ever be a Lama, it was pointed out to me by someone who is worthy to be heeded that just by keeping my vows I would be teaching others. I may never keep all the vows perfectly all the time, but as long as I never break them and purify and restore any that are “bent” I shall be progressing on this path. One day I will be able to take full monastic ordination as a bhikksu or gelong with all the couple of hundred precepts. My commitment is such that if I were offered such ordination tomorrow, I would do it without reservation just as I had no reservations when I took this ordination so few days ago.

As my name continues to be a reminder, our goal is enlightenment, not for ourselves alone but for all sentient beings. A tiny bit of Dharma has brought me this far in my “Journey Through Cancer.” Truly learning and living the Dharma can carry each of us so much farther!

The Unexpected Fulfillment of My Monastic Aspiration, part 3

The Spring Retreat is drawing to a close and so much in my life has changed in such a short time. I have received such profound and thoroughly practical teachings from both Khenchen Konchok Gyaltsen Rinpoche and Drupon Thinley Ningpo Rinpoche as well as the very deep instruction from Khenpo Choepel. All of these not only advance my knowledge and understanding, but are going to have the effect of deepening my practice. Furthermore, their effects should extend far beyond the shrine out into the world of my daily life.

With these changes in my life I shall have to spend some time talking to my Lama at length. I need his guidance for everything from when to wear my chugou to what my role should be at our Dharma center since I am not qualified to teach. Nevertheless, I am firm in my commitment and am prepared to accept the challenges that I may possibly face. I have come to realize the wisdom of my name staying the same as my original Dharma name. Now, having been addressed as “Konchok Jangchup” for several days, I realize that I keep getting refocused on our goal “Jangchup,” “ Enlightenment.” While I am still a long way from that goal, it helps to be reminded repeatedly that we do seek Buddhahood for the benefit of all sentient beings.

Since the day that, with the aid of friends, I formally renounced my Eastern Orthodox monastic vows, I had been reevaluating the matter of sexuality versus celibacy. Nevertheless, it would seem that it is my karma to remain celibate, because, despite everything, even the opportunity for sex eluded me. At least this time I know that I am not fleeing a bad relationship, but instead I am following another course for a higher purpose. Just as I had recognized that fully accepting my own mortality and the impermanence that teaches us that we never know when the time of our death may come, causing me to realize that there was no better way to benefit all sentient beings than as a monk, I also saw that celibacy was not such a great sacrifice. Indeed, my age and medical conditions may remove the possibility of sexual activity soon anyway.

I feel that this Retreat, both from the profound teachings that I have received and from the interaction with other retreatants, has moved me from Kindergarten to Elementary School as a Tibetan Buddhist practitioner. However, it seemed quite clear that some of the lay practitioners were far beyond that level already. Nevertheless, my karma and life experience seem to be propelling me at an incredible pace as long as I am willing to accept spiritual training as it comes and not insist on controlling everything, fully recognizing that any such “ control” is merely an illusion. Although I never surfed or raced sailboats, life can be a little like those sports, because you are reading great natural forces and adjusting your course accordingly. Furthermore, just like those sports the more finely attuned your actions are to the forces involved, the faster and more exciting the ride. I cannot know precisely where it is leading me, but to the limited extent that I have control in my intent and aspirations, I am aiming toward enlightenment for the benefit of all sentient beings.

The Unexpected Fulfillment of My Monastic Aspiration, part

The day after my ordination, I find that I am again, at my age, learning how to dress myself. I approximated the way Lama G helped me put on my shantab, but I later found out that I didn't get it quite right. Also I am stuck wearing no socks because white and black are colors that I am not supposed to wear and I only brought white socks with me. This part of my new life as a Tibetan Buddhist monk is almost comical.

On the other hand, when I read the Opening Prayers before the teachings, I discovered a new intensity in my praying. Indeed there is a new force I am bringing to them from within me, the greater force of will arising out of my greater commitment to the path of enlightenment for the benefit of all sentient beings. This is something that has grown over the course of my “Journey Through Cancer” from the diagnosis, through the radiation treatments, through the recovery from the radiation therapy. A tiny bit of Dharma carried this baby Buddhist through what could otherwise have been a nightmare, as it is sometimes for some people. The commitment of my vows just builds on this. Furthermore, the intense and concrete sense of my own mortality and the acute awareness of impermanence add even more motivation.

Khenchen Konchok Gyaltsen Rinpoche often talks in his teachings about practicing the Dharma all the time. He isn't talking about sadhana practice in a Shrine Room or Temple, but rather taking our Dharma practice out into our everyday world. In addition, as he was leaving here for a couple of days, not knowing whether he would see me again before I leave for Florida, he gave me some parting words of advice as my Khenpo, my abbot. They covered a range from how to wear my robes to how to be of service by keeping my vows.

As I have gone through my second day after ordination, I find myself having difficulty accepting the honor accorded me as a monk, even the most junior of the monastics here. Nevertheless, I try to remember that I should receive it for the benefit of those who truly deserve it. Furthermore, there are matters of protocol which are now part of my life, at least of the sake of order. Indeed, henceforth my position in any group of monastics is not determined by anyone's “worthiness,” but rather by either being a fully ordained monk or novice monk and according to the date and time of one's ordination.

With regard to my not so new monastic name, the consensus among the retreatants who have been here during the weekdays is that whenever I don't use the whole name I should be known as Venerable Konchok Jangchup since there is already a Venerable Konchok Dorje. Since I have had several name changes for religious reasons already, I don't have a strong attachment to any particular one, although I did start to respond to “John,” when another retreatant was addressed today.

After the day's teachings, I had to go to the store for disposable razors, because shaving my head finished off those I had brought. Although some people have thought I might face some kind of harassment wearing my robes on the street, I have received only positive responses from people if they showed any interest at all. In fact, at one store a young Muslim woman told me that I was the first Buddhist monk she had ever met and that she had wanted to find somewhere to learn more about Buddhism. I gave her the address of the Tibetan Meditation Center since I did not have its telephone number. Just as my Lama has said, wearing the robes creates opportunities to share the Dharma. Of course, I am aware that I only know a little and only have a little of it in practice and thus can only share a little of it,

The Unexpected Fulfillment of My Monastic Aspiration, part 1

Last Thursday I had my interview with Khenchen Konchok Gyaltsen Rinpoche. My chief questions for him pertained to my aspiration to be ordained as a monk. I asked him when it would be likely to occur and what I should do in the meantime. After we had talked a little while, he told me that it could be done before I went back to Florida. However, my robes were in my chest of drawers in Florida. Nevertheless, I asked and found that there was a bin of "hand-me-down" robes in which I was able to fine all but two minor items. These I was able to purchase quite reasonably from the business from which I had ordered the same items.
Thus in just a couple of days everything came together for me to be ordained so unexpectedly. However, still almost doubting that it would really happen, I hardly told anyone even my Lama. When I did speak of it, I would always preface my statement with "barring any unforeseen problem." Even on the day it was to happen, when other retreatants would ask about it being scheduled, I would say, "That's what I understand."
On the twenty-fifth day of the Fourth month of the Year of the Tiger (the Seventh of June 2010), at 3:45 p.m., I was ordained with the name Konchok Jangchup Dorje. This is a most auspicious day to be ordained into the Drikung Kagyu order, because we celebrated the anniversary of the parinirvana of the founder of the order, Lord Jigten Sumgon. At one point in the ritual I teared up, overwhelmed with joy of the moment.

Alcoholism, 'wasm, and Buddhist Speculations

After more than twenty-four years without a drink, alcohol has no place in my life today despite years of destructive and clearly alcoholic drinking. Furthermore, the basic precepts to which I committed myself when I "took refuge" as a Buddhist specifically prohibit partaking of any intoxicant. Nevertheless, I came to believe that, although I do not recognize an inherently "alcoholic nature," I am certain that my reaction to ethanol differs in some fundamental way from the majority of the population. Since there seems to be some degree of hereditary tendency toward alcoholism in families, that is a reasonable assumption. Therefore I do not argue with the AA assertion that there doesn't seem to be any way to make normal drinkers out of alcoholics of our type.

On the other hand, in this connection I have to think of two diseases with which I have been dealing, diabetes and prostate cancer. The genetic and developmental factors that have caused my diabetes do not seem to be reversible! Nevertheless, I do not "define" myself as a diabetic although I must take it into account every day in so many ways. On the other hand, I find great value in thinking of myself as a "cancer survivor," because I no longer have any evidence of the cancer in my body. With regard to alcoholism, like the diabetes, it does not seem to be reversible, but, like the cancer, there does not seem to be any evidence of it in me any longer. However, also like the cancer, I have to monitor for any sign of its activity. Therefore, when I experienced a "drinking dream" recently, I thought it advisable to get back to AA meetings.

This presents a little problem for me now as a Tibetan Buddhist, because, despite its disclaimers, it is a monotheistic organization rooted in the Western Abrahamic faiths. While this presented only minor difficulties when I was a different brand of Christian than the majority, now opening a meeting with the "Serenity Prayer" and closing with the "Lord's Prayer," not to mention all the "God" references in the readings, do not sit well. That has been a significant obstacle to my frequent attendance at AA meetings.

I recently came upon an adaptation of the 12 Steps in keeping with Buddhist principles written by a Tibetan Buddhist monk. Although I am not sure I agree with him on all points, the work is a worthy effort to meet a need. Perhaps this or another such effort will find applicability to those needs, but I have to look at the resources currently available to me.

I find one particular meeting here in Plant City more comfortable than others. The focus of this one is meditation which is something central to Buddhist practice. This seems a suitable venue for my attending AA meetings both for myself and for the benefit of others. After staying sober this long, I do have experiences which can help others if I share them. This is very much in keeping both with AA's traditions about service and with Tibetan Buddhism's stress on compassion.

Jerome Bixby's Man from Earth

One of my favorite movies is "The Man from Earth." I can watch it over and over. I have even watched it a couple of times in a row. It is no action movie! Almost everything takes place in the main character's living room. It is such a "thinking movie" that it was not a financial success. The premise of the movie is that a professor has resigned and his colleagues throw him a "going away" party at which he reveals to them that he is 14,000 years old. The rest of the movie consists of his telling of that long life as all these "experts" try to prove that it is false. They really reveal their prejudices and their fixed notions of truth. They get emotionally upset at the challenge to the certainties they have from the limited perspective of one short lifetime. I can see it from both the perspective of a short lifetime and the perspective of centuries. I am living this particular lifetime, but I also have memories extending back for centuries. Such memories give me a fundamentally different viewpoint from most people that I know. It is even different from what I held before I began remembering them. In the movie the main character is forced to recant his claim of his age, not because it was false but rather because his friends could not handle its truth. How often is truth softened because people's minds refuse to accept it? In our samsaric existence we so rigidly maintain our illusions! Nevertheless the Buddha showed us a different way!

Another photo of "Turtle"

"Turtle" resting

Cars, Vans, and Trucks - ARRRGGGHHH

Since June of last year my truck has not been running. It had sputtered a little when I drove it the day before flying to Boston. However, when I returned from that trip, it would crank but not stay running. I decided that the problem was a clogged fuel filter, because I had let the gas get very low just before the "sputtering."
Although I was able to get the necessary parts that July, I began having the symptoms of radiation colitis before I got the work done. Between the Summer heat and my lack of stamina the work had been slow. As the bleeding and other symptoms of the colitis grew worse that work came to a screeching halt.
During this time and up to the present, my sister and I have been sharing one van. Now the radiator on the van has developed a leak. I had just gotten healthy enough to resume work on my truck, but was waiting for my broken foot to mend sufficiently to not interfere with the work. However, I was not to resume the repair until tomorrow.
Yesterday the van overheated after water had clearly leaked from somewhere that I could not identify. Fortunately a friend came to our aid and refilled the radiator to get the van safely off the road and took us safely home. During the day he found the leak in the radiator. Unable to replace the radiator until after the first of the month, we have to put "stop-leak" in it, make sure the radiator is full before we start the van, and not drive it outside of town. During the same interval, I have to resume work on my pickup truck. I also have to hope that I diagnosed its problem correctly. I also have to hope that even if my diagnosis is correct, no new problem has developed from it sitting so long.
Although I have several bikes as well as bike parts in my yard, none of them are rideable yet. For exercise so far I have only had a "stationary" bike. Our machines can be so aggravating!!!
Of course, this is a perfect example of impermanence!! All we can do is practice our patience and do our best to.mend the machines. Nevertheless, impermanence also gives us hope because our difficulties will also change. With that hopeful frame of mind I only rescheduled one medical appointment in expectation of having a working vehicle before the next. After surviving all that I have during this lifetime, I cannot let a little car trouble overwhelm me!! I have made it through more. We will make it through this with the help of true friends.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 78 – Medical Indignities

We have come a long way in medical science from the days of bloodletting and leeches or sacrificing a chicken to appease the gods, but some aspects of modern medicine are still barbaric. The classic “ hospital gown” leaves little room for “modesty,” but I read recently that designers in Great Britain have come up with one that does allow for some measure of decency. However, when one has to have some procedure involving the colon such as surgery or a colonoscopy, the colon must be prepared with a thorough cleansing. This is achieved by inducing diarrhea with a clear liquid diet combined with strong laxatives.

The first of the laxatives are a couple of pills that my grandmother would have classified as “ purgatives,” because it “purges” you. Since there isn't any way to gauge when they will act, you have to be alert for the first feeling of needing to go. Otherwise you will “mess yourself” like before you were potty trained. With the clear liquid diet the action of this laxative continues for quite some time. If the procedure being performed doesn't require a more extensive prep, this might be followed up by enemas in the morning.

However, for a colonoscopy and some similarly extensive procedures, the next day will continue the clear liquid diet and include drinking 4 liters of a polyethylene glycol and electrolytes solution. Its use as surfactants in industry and as dispersing agents and solvents makes me wonder whether I really want to take this stuff inside my body. Nevertheless it does the job for which it is intended in this case. It draws water into the bowel and cleans it all out. I had not completed drinking the first two liters before it started to work. In fact one of my “scheduled” cups of it was delayed by not being to get off the toilet in time for it. At this point you cannot be far from a bathroom, to the extent that I moved my laptop into the bathroom to write this.

I am so very grateful that a friend recommended putting each cup of this “drink” into the freezer for the few minutes between drinks. It is not long enough to freeze it, but being so cold, it is easier to tolerate. Also the nurse advised that Crystal Light could be used to flavor it safely, making it that much more palatable. After the next session of drinking the PEG and electrolytes I wonder whether I will be able to get any sleep tonight. Judging by previous experiences with this same prep, I will be awake much later than I would really care to be.

There is the consolation in all of this that I don't expect there to be much “arc welding” needed. Instead this is more of a follow up exploration. I have not been having any bleeding since the last session of “arc welding,” suggesting that we got the last of the lesions at that time. Nevertheless, that doesn't make the colon prep any less rigorous.

The second and final session of drinking the PEG and electrolytes is particularly difficult with each cup harder to get down than the one before, ending up with nausea that won't go away. I am already drinking sodas, juice, tea, and broth from bouillon which raises the question of what to do about the nausea. I decide that if I were feeling this bad as a child I could have looked forward to some chicken noodle soup, giving me the idea to go to the store for some real chicken broth. That does in fact help to get rid of the sick feeling.

. . . . . .

After hours of sitting on the toilet unable to get away from it for more than a few minutes at a time, although I have not produced any “stool” for a long time with only liquid coming out of me, around 2:00 AM I begin to feel that I can finally go to bed. Sleep is often interrupted by more trips to the bathroom. Nevertheless, I do get up in enough time to head for the VA hospital early enough considering that I don't have to take time for breakfast, not being able to even have a cup of coffee.

. . . . . .

Before the procedure begins, the doctor informs me that my hemoglobin is up which is a good indicator that the bleeding has stopped and been stopped for a little while, just as I had experienced. Having opted for the use of sedation, my memory of the procedure itself is rather hazy, but it seems clear that there is little cauterizing. Furthermore, one of the nurses afterward tells me that there were only “a couple of places.” All in all I feel pretty good about this phase of the recovery coming to an end and I definitely have a good appetite for my Burger King veggie burger and fries.

. . . . . .

“If I am supposed to get sick, let me get sick, and I’ll be happy. May this sickness purify my negative karma and the sickness of all sentient beings.

“If I am supposed to be healed, let all my sickness and confusion be healed, and I’ll be happy. May all sentient beings be healed and filled with happiness....”

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 77 – Phowa, the Bardo, Monasticism and Me

From my childhood I have repeatedly faced the close approach of death. Nevertheless, each time I have come close to dying, I have survived. First I survived a congenital defect in my aorta and grew up to be an adult. Then during my first enlistment as a sailor I survived some sort of fall while drunk which fractured one single vertebra. Later in a subsequent enlistment I survived a motor vehicle accident with major injuries including a traumatic tear of the aorta. Most recently I have survived a moderately aggressive cancer of the prostate. However, as I pointed out to someone recently, one day I won't survive. It is for that reason that I sought training in the Drikung Kagyu Phowa practice.
I have had the opportunity to become aware of just how suddenly and unexpectedly death may overtake us. Furthermore, I understand that it stalks us from the moment we are born. Not one among us can avoid it. I intend to be prepared for it when it actually happens to me. This Phowa Retreat that I was fortunate enough to attend is precisely about starting those spiritual preparations. In Tibetan Buddhism we believe in the Buddhafields where the suffering of samsara does not exist and all are Buddhas or Bodhisattvas. In Phowa practice we seek to master the ability to gather our consciousness and project it through our “aperture of Brahman” at the time of our death in order to enter the Pure Land of Dewachen, there to begin our progression as Bodhisattvas.
Moreover, we also have the Bardo teachings which reveal to us the nature and stages of death in order that we not be overwhelmed with fear and confusion when we go through them. Furthermore, if we are equipped with sufficient meditative concentration by our training in meditation, we may be able to take advantage of certain stages of the process to attain enlightenment for the benefit of all sentient beings. During the retreat, Venerable Traga Rinpoche made clear that we have so many opportunities for such enlightenment throughout our lifetimes and even in our deaths, but we must work diligently to prepare ourselves for them.
From all these life experiences I have become aware that we can never count on being around for the things that we plan. Furthermore, there is nothing of our lives which we take with us into death except the results of our spiritual practice. All the “stuff” that we diligently strive to accumulate during our lives will be left behind and benefit us not at all when death comes. In fact, our very attachment to the “stuff” and its acquisition may be a great hindrance at that time. Indeed, it is not only the source of so much suffering during our lives but also a cause of our samsaric rebirth. Furthermore, even if I should live to be 80 before I die, three-quarters of my life would be behind me right now and only one-quarter ahead on which I cannot depend. With such considerations in mind one may well ask, “How may I best use the time that remains to me?” For me the answer is to spend it as a monk in service of the Dharma and in service to all sentient beings.
Over the course of my recovery from the radiation therapy which treated the cancer I have had to deal with certain aftereffects of that therapy, most significant of which were fatigue and radiation colitis. That overwhelming fatigue is gone and has been for some time now. I am still building up my stamina to undertake normal activities that I had pursued before treatment. However, the radiation colitis has been the most persistent aftereffect and the most annoying and limiting with its accompanying bleeding. The doctors scheduled several “arc welding” sessions to cauterize the lesions. Even these had their own aftereffects because the cauterized tissue is irritated and results in increased bowel urgency. However, that passes after a few days.
As I write this I am in the middle of the colon prep for another “arc welding” session. However, this time I have reason to hope that it will only be a follow-up look around and won't actually involve any cauterizing. Since I do not have any bleeding or other symptom, it is quite reasonable to hope that even this problem is past. That would mean that I could follow some simple exercise regime like bicycling and get my weight loss program back on track. Furthermore, I can get back to the process of putting this house in order and getting rid of more “stuff.” I want the house to resemble a monastery more than a junk heap. Although it may be impractical to get down to just the few possessions prescribed for a Buddhist monk when a home must be maintained, I know that I can live quite satisfactorily with a lot less “stuff.” In fact, it seems that the less “stuff” I have the better my quality of life. Of course, what we consider to be very little would be considered great wealth in most of the rest of the world.
I aspire to be ordained as soon as that may be, hoping that it may at least be this year. Indeed, I hope that it may be at Spring Retreat in a couple of months, but I have as yet heard nothing about any ordinations planned for then, much less about my own. In the meantime, I shall follow the advice of Lama Thubten Yeshe and Lama Thubten Zopa Rinpoche and even a laywoman and strive to live as though I were a monk already except not wearing a monk's robes. However, in accordance with what my Lama has said, I will wear my Ngakpa robes whenever that may be appropriate. While I doubt that I can live fully in accordance with the letter of the Vinaya, I can seek to live in accordance with its spirit.
Also I now should follow up contacts that I made with the chaplains at two local hospitals and a hospice and make contact with those at another hospital and another hospice. The role that I can see for myself in this regard is to be the first point of contact when Buddhist clergy are needed to meet the spiritual needs of their patients. Since I know most of the Buddhist groups in the area, I can probably find suitable clergy to serve them. I could possibly even provide transportation to monks who don't drive.
As far as my ordination is concerned, I shall continue to make my preparations, ready to go wherever I may need to go to with very little notice. Nevertheless, I shall continue to plan for the Spring Retreat at TMC Maryland. It should be good for me whether I were ordained then or not. While the Phowa Retreat was oriented toward a specific training, I can see that it has had more general good effects on my spiritual practice.
In all this as in everything else on this Buddhist path, I am in it for the “long haul,” and not for myself alone. My focus needs to continue to be, “How can I be of greatest service to all sentient beings?” When someone recently commented on the work I was doing for the Dharma, I responded, “I am not a cause, but an effect,” recalling that all that I am and all that I am capable of doing is the result of all that I have been taught by others. If there is any good that I may do or anything worthwhile that I may accomplish, it is to the credit of all those who have been the causes of the effect that I am.