In Buddhism the three foundation practices are dâna (giving), sîla (morality), bhâvana (meditation). Furthermore, a cornerstone of Tibetan Buddhism in particular is its emphasis on loving-kindness as an essential prerequisite to enlightenment. Tuesday, I was the focus of loving-kindness, the recipient of dâna (giving).
One of my vajra brothers from our Dharma center drove me to my radiation therapy appointment. This in itself was a great kindness. With the great degree of fatigue that I have been experiencing, it is a very great relief to have someone else drive.
This is also the day of the week when the appointment runs the longest because they take X-rays before the actual radiation and I have to see the doctor before leaving. Adding to the time today particularly, I had to get a prescription for side effects processed in addition to the usual administrative matters. Through it all, my vajra brother demonstrated great patience. Furthermore, he was not overwhelmed by the whole environment of such an immense facility as this VA Hospital.
After this was all finished, we went to Kalieshia Tea Lounge for my usual after-treatment treat of Hot Spicy Chai for which he insisted on paying. Not only that, he took me to lunch at a Thai restaurant where I had Pad Thai which was delicious although the side effects of my treatments kept me from finishing it. To my friend's credit, his great generosity of spirit kept me from feeling uncomfortable taking half my meal home in a “take-out” container. I have to confess that this made an excellent snack later. These “snacks” or more accurately “mini-meals” are necessary to maintain my nutrition and keep my weight stable when I am faced with nausea if I eat to much in a single meal.
My vajra brother had the opportunity to practice generosity, tolerance and loving-kindness. I, on the other hand, got the chance to avoid letting ego dominate or letting arrogance masquerade as self-sufficiency. If I were becoming a monk in one of the countries of Asia where Buddhism is common such as Thailand, I would daily make the alms-round, being totally dependent on the lay community for my daily sustenance. This creates conditions which are essential for the spiritual well being of a Buddhist monk. Indeed this is another dimension of benefiting not only myself but all sentient beings.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 16 – Tong Ren Guinea Pig Class – The First Session
Back on October, in response to my blog postings about my cancer, my lama passed my contact information to a practitioner of Tong Ren who gave me information and links to read more about this particular energy healing modality. I read the online information and looked for a time to participate in one of their distance healing sessions. Sunday afternoon, I had my first session of Tong Ren therapy as part of the “Guinea Pig Class” for cancer. I connected to their chat broadcast briefly giving my diagnosis and current treatment.
Tog Ren is described on the site www.tomtam.com:
“Tong Ren Definition
“Developed by Tom Tam, and an integral part of the Tom Tam Healing System, Tong Ren is a form of energy therapy for restoring health and vitality. Tong Ren is based on a belief that disease is related to interruptions, or blockages, in the body's natural flow of chi, neural bioelectricity, blood, or hormones. Tong Ren seeks to remove these blockages, restoring the body's natural ability to heal itself, even when illnesses are chronic, debilitating, or otherwise untreatable.
“Tong Ren combines western knowledge of anatomy and physiology with the ancient principle of "chi," or life force energy, to create what many consider to be a powerful new healing modality. Drawing on the Jungian theory of the "collective unconscious," Tong Ren is believed to access energy from this universal source and direct it to the patient. Because no physical contact is involved or necessary, Tong Ren is often practiced as distance healing.
“In a typical therapy session, the Tong Ren practitioner uses a small human anatomical model as an energetic representation of the patient, tapping on targeted points on the model with a lightweight magnetic hammer. The practitioner directs chi to blockage points corresponding to the patient's condition, breaking down resistance at these points. As blood flow, neural transmission, and hormone reception are restored, the body is then able to heal.
“History of Tong Ren
“Tong in Chinese means bronze; Ren means man or human. Tong Ren can be translated as 'bronze man'. In the Sung Dynasty (1023 AD), Emperor Ren Zhong Sung summoned the highest medical faculty of the Empire to write up the "New Bronze Man's Points of Acupuncture Diagram and Note". Dr. Wang Wei-yi was responsible for designing the acupuncture bronze man (human figure made by bronze). In 1027 AD, two identical bronze men were made, which were named Tong Ren (meaning "bronze man" in Chinese). Tong Ren Healing is an important component of the Tom Tam healing system. To commemorate the Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) pioneers for their invaluable contribution to the world on the medical front, "Tong Ren Healing", an energy healing system developed by Tam was named after the acupuncture figure created by the TCM forerunners.
“Tong Ren Technique
“Tong Ren healing is becoming increasingly popular and widespread. Worldwide, and on a daily basis, people with serious illnesses are treated by Tong Ren therapists. Countless patients benefit from and are healed by Tong Ren Therapy. Each Tong Ren therapist has his/her own way of healing people. The effectiveness of the healing is high, and the cost is low. Tong Ren Therapy is extremely easy to learn. Basically there are three major techniques – with (1) the hammer, (2) laser beam, and (3) pins. Discing technique is the latest technique developed and applied in Tong Ren practices.
“Magnetic Hammer
“The magnetic hammer technique is one way of stimulating blockage points on the doll related to the patient's illness. This method is super easy for anyone to learn and practice; it does not require any serious training or experience. I always say, “Monkey see, monkey do”. The hammer technique is the major method used in Tong Ren Guinea Gig Classes for group healing. The points for hammer hitting vary with individual cases.
“With the hammer technique, the first step is to locate the points on the doll. The beginner can follow the healing chart in our text book “A Lazy Bum’s Healing”, then write down the main points and support points on paper, or mark the points on the doll. On the healing chart, the main points indicate where the energy is blocked and where the root of the problem is. The support points enhance the effectiveness of the healing and are not mandatory, whereas the main points are.
“When we press on a patient’s body following the main points from the chart, the patient will usually experience an uncomfortable or painful feeling at these points. In TCM theory these are called the Ouch Points. We need to pay attention to any Ouch Point, or any area where pain is felt. Pain is a signal from the body, which indicates that there is an imbalance or where the Chi is static. For example, when one has liver cancer, we shall find an Ouch Point at T9 on the right hand side. When a patient has breast cancer, we can easily find an Ouch Point at T4, on the same side as the tumor. Based on many years of practice and experience, I have observed that when a person is diagnosed with a specific condition or disease, they will have an Ouch Point, which corresponds to a certain designated root problem. “However, please be careful not to mislead a patient by making a diagnosis according to an Ouch Point. A blockage can sometimes mean just a tight muscle - nothing more, nothing less. Making a diagnosis is the job of medical doctors using specific medical equipment and/or tests. In our healing, we only follow the doctor's diagnosis to find the blockage or reflex points. We never make any diagnosis of a patient's condition.
“When we use the hammer technique on the doll for healing, the general order of stimulation is from the top to the bottom, like the natural flow of water. However, when we stimulate the Sky Window area where both the common carotid and vertebral arteries are found, the order of hitting should be from the bottom to the top. This is different from when we are working on the nervous system, because the arteries carry blood upward from the heart to the brain. When we are done with all the points with the hammer technique, we should hit the doll from the top of the head to the bottom of the feet. This allows for the clearing of the Chi in the whole body before we finish the healing session.
“While treating cancer, we should begin by using the hammer on the head of the doll at GV22 and BL6 on both sides. After a couple of minutes, proceed to CR8's which are not on the doll. The two CR8 points are where the ears are. Do this for another couple of minutes, then move on to the points related to the specific cancer(s). When treating multiple cancers, we always start with the primary cancer, even though there may not be any symptoms.
“Tong Ren Therapy is based on the power of our mind creating energy for healing. The source of this energy is from the collective unconscious, which is connected to the super conscious. When we practice Tong Ren, the focusing of our mind comes from our subconscious and unconscious - which means, “Just do it”. If we make a conscious effort to focus, the focusing comes from our conscious mind, not from the unconscious mind. No one can consciously access one’s unconscious mind. The unconscious mind is instinctive and cannot be controlled. Functions of the unconscious mind are automatic reactions. This use of the mind with the hammer technique facilitates the breaking down of blockages, which can then let energy pass within the body freely. With Tong Ren healing, we do not need to think or focus on the breaking down of the blockages, because the thought has already been stored as memory in our subconscious mind.
“Using the hammer technique, we hit points on the doll for about 10 to 15 minutes. As a rule this is enough. Patients can hit the doll for self-healing, but the best way is to ask someone else to do it because in this way the patient can be totally relaxed in order to receive the healing energy. A child’s mind is purer than an adult’s and without resistance. That is why children are more effective when using the hammer technique than most adults. With late stage cancer, daily use of Tong Ren healing is required. With cancer at an early stage, we can use Tong Ren two or three times a week. If the patient wants to do it or have it done on him/her more often, it is all right to do so because there are no side effects with Tong Ren healing. The more you do it, the more you benefit from it.
“When we see points on the spine from the Lazy Bum book, e.g. C1, T1, L1, S1, we hit the doll on both side of the points. If C1 Right is specified, for example, then we hit only the right side of C1.”
The practitioner in my “Guinea Pig Class” took each diagnosis in turn and tapped with her little hammer on the appropriate points on the figure. When she was “tapping” for me, I felt tingling in my hands and warmth in my abdomen. Of course, this could be passed off as the result of the power of suggestion except for a striking experience during the session. While she was “tapping” for others, I had to go to the bathroom to urinate. My latest side effect from my treatments is that I had begun to feel pain at the conclusion of urinating. However, this particular time it was reduced to mere discomfort. This was an unexpected, but, for me, clearcut benefit from the session. I plan to block off that time every Sunday afternoon until I feel that I no longer need it.
This accords well with my own experience as a Reiki practitioner and a recipient of Reiki as well as other energy healing modalities such as Quantum Touch.
I see this as just one more part of my overall treatment program, not least of which is my spiritual practice. I strive to maintain the essential elements of my daily practice and add what I can to it. I am trying to keep better track of my mantra recitations to be able to add them to mantra accumulations to benefit others.
Tog Ren is described on the site www.tomtam.com:
“Tong Ren Definition
“Developed by Tom Tam, and an integral part of the Tom Tam Healing System, Tong Ren is a form of energy therapy for restoring health and vitality. Tong Ren is based on a belief that disease is related to interruptions, or blockages, in the body's natural flow of chi, neural bioelectricity, blood, or hormones. Tong Ren seeks to remove these blockages, restoring the body's natural ability to heal itself, even when illnesses are chronic, debilitating, or otherwise untreatable.
“Tong Ren combines western knowledge of anatomy and physiology with the ancient principle of "chi," or life force energy, to create what many consider to be a powerful new healing modality. Drawing on the Jungian theory of the "collective unconscious," Tong Ren is believed to access energy from this universal source and direct it to the patient. Because no physical contact is involved or necessary, Tong Ren is often practiced as distance healing.
“In a typical therapy session, the Tong Ren practitioner uses a small human anatomical model as an energetic representation of the patient, tapping on targeted points on the model with a lightweight magnetic hammer. The practitioner directs chi to blockage points corresponding to the patient's condition, breaking down resistance at these points. As blood flow, neural transmission, and hormone reception are restored, the body is then able to heal.
“History of Tong Ren
“Tong in Chinese means bronze; Ren means man or human. Tong Ren can be translated as 'bronze man'. In the Sung Dynasty (1023 AD), Emperor Ren Zhong Sung summoned the highest medical faculty of the Empire to write up the "New Bronze Man's Points of Acupuncture Diagram and Note". Dr. Wang Wei-yi was responsible for designing the acupuncture bronze man (human figure made by bronze). In 1027 AD, two identical bronze men were made, which were named Tong Ren (meaning "bronze man" in Chinese). Tong Ren Healing is an important component of the Tom Tam healing system. To commemorate the Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) pioneers for their invaluable contribution to the world on the medical front, "Tong Ren Healing", an energy healing system developed by Tam was named after the acupuncture figure created by the TCM forerunners.
“Tong Ren Technique
“Tong Ren healing is becoming increasingly popular and widespread. Worldwide, and on a daily basis, people with serious illnesses are treated by Tong Ren therapists. Countless patients benefit from and are healed by Tong Ren Therapy. Each Tong Ren therapist has his/her own way of healing people. The effectiveness of the healing is high, and the cost is low. Tong Ren Therapy is extremely easy to learn. Basically there are three major techniques – with (1) the hammer, (2) laser beam, and (3) pins. Discing technique is the latest technique developed and applied in Tong Ren practices.
“Magnetic Hammer
“The magnetic hammer technique is one way of stimulating blockage points on the doll related to the patient's illness. This method is super easy for anyone to learn and practice; it does not require any serious training or experience. I always say, “Monkey see, monkey do”. The hammer technique is the major method used in Tong Ren Guinea Gig Classes for group healing. The points for hammer hitting vary with individual cases.
“With the hammer technique, the first step is to locate the points on the doll. The beginner can follow the healing chart in our text book “A Lazy Bum’s Healing”, then write down the main points and support points on paper, or mark the points on the doll. On the healing chart, the main points indicate where the energy is blocked and where the root of the problem is. The support points enhance the effectiveness of the healing and are not mandatory, whereas the main points are.
“When we press on a patient’s body following the main points from the chart, the patient will usually experience an uncomfortable or painful feeling at these points. In TCM theory these are called the Ouch Points. We need to pay attention to any Ouch Point, or any area where pain is felt. Pain is a signal from the body, which indicates that there is an imbalance or where the Chi is static. For example, when one has liver cancer, we shall find an Ouch Point at T9 on the right hand side. When a patient has breast cancer, we can easily find an Ouch Point at T4, on the same side as the tumor. Based on many years of practice and experience, I have observed that when a person is diagnosed with a specific condition or disease, they will have an Ouch Point, which corresponds to a certain designated root problem. “However, please be careful not to mislead a patient by making a diagnosis according to an Ouch Point. A blockage can sometimes mean just a tight muscle - nothing more, nothing less. Making a diagnosis is the job of medical doctors using specific medical equipment and/or tests. In our healing, we only follow the doctor's diagnosis to find the blockage or reflex points. We never make any diagnosis of a patient's condition.
“When we use the hammer technique on the doll for healing, the general order of stimulation is from the top to the bottom, like the natural flow of water. However, when we stimulate the Sky Window area where both the common carotid and vertebral arteries are found, the order of hitting should be from the bottom to the top. This is different from when we are working on the nervous system, because the arteries carry blood upward from the heart to the brain. When we are done with all the points with the hammer technique, we should hit the doll from the top of the head to the bottom of the feet. This allows for the clearing of the Chi in the whole body before we finish the healing session.
“While treating cancer, we should begin by using the hammer on the head of the doll at GV22 and BL6 on both sides. After a couple of minutes, proceed to CR8's which are not on the doll. The two CR8 points are where the ears are. Do this for another couple of minutes, then move on to the points related to the specific cancer(s). When treating multiple cancers, we always start with the primary cancer, even though there may not be any symptoms.
“Tong Ren Therapy is based on the power of our mind creating energy for healing. The source of this energy is from the collective unconscious, which is connected to the super conscious. When we practice Tong Ren, the focusing of our mind comes from our subconscious and unconscious - which means, “Just do it”. If we make a conscious effort to focus, the focusing comes from our conscious mind, not from the unconscious mind. No one can consciously access one’s unconscious mind. The unconscious mind is instinctive and cannot be controlled. Functions of the unconscious mind are automatic reactions. This use of the mind with the hammer technique facilitates the breaking down of blockages, which can then let energy pass within the body freely. With Tong Ren healing, we do not need to think or focus on the breaking down of the blockages, because the thought has already been stored as memory in our subconscious mind.
“Using the hammer technique, we hit points on the doll for about 10 to 15 minutes. As a rule this is enough. Patients can hit the doll for self-healing, but the best way is to ask someone else to do it because in this way the patient can be totally relaxed in order to receive the healing energy. A child’s mind is purer than an adult’s and without resistance. That is why children are more effective when using the hammer technique than most adults. With late stage cancer, daily use of Tong Ren healing is required. With cancer at an early stage, we can use Tong Ren two or three times a week. If the patient wants to do it or have it done on him/her more often, it is all right to do so because there are no side effects with Tong Ren healing. The more you do it, the more you benefit from it.
“When we see points on the spine from the Lazy Bum book, e.g. C1, T1, L1, S1, we hit the doll on both side of the points. If C1 Right is specified, for example, then we hit only the right side of C1.”
The practitioner in my “Guinea Pig Class” took each diagnosis in turn and tapped with her little hammer on the appropriate points on the figure. When she was “tapping” for me, I felt tingling in my hands and warmth in my abdomen. Of course, this could be passed off as the result of the power of suggestion except for a striking experience during the session. While she was “tapping” for others, I had to go to the bathroom to urinate. My latest side effect from my treatments is that I had begun to feel pain at the conclusion of urinating. However, this particular time it was reduced to mere discomfort. This was an unexpected, but, for me, clearcut benefit from the session. I plan to block off that time every Sunday afternoon until I feel that I no longer need it.
This accords well with my own experience as a Reiki practitioner and a recipient of Reiki as well as other energy healing modalities such as Quantum Touch.
I see this as just one more part of my overall treatment program, not least of which is my spiritual practice. I strive to maintain the essential elements of my daily practice and add what I can to it. I am trying to keep better track of my mantra recitations to be able to add them to mantra accumulations to benefit others.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 15 – The Retreat That Wasn't – A Sequel
Saturday I planned to attend a “Sobriety Sweat” sweat lodge ceremony. In order to be able to do this I focused on resting today. However, by the time I had to decide to get on the road to the lodge, it was clear that I did not have the energy for it. Nevertheless, after supper and watching TV with my sister, when I got home, based on what I managed to accomplish Friday night, I decided to see what practice I could do in just the hours that remained of this one night.
Again I first did my “Daily Offerings,” both general and for Dzambhala. After that I did the “altruistic motivation,” “refuge prayers,” and “seven limb prayer” from the KDC prayer book. In preparation for the rest of what I was doing, I did the brief Vajrasattva practice from the same book. Then I did the Achi Chökyi Drölma tea offering with tea from my own mug. I followed this with a Dzambhala water offering. However, I went on to Medicine Buddha, White Tara, and Amitayus Long-life practice with their sadhanas. I followed this with the Short Chenrezig practice from the KDC prayer book. Since I was going from one to another, I did not repeat the preliminary prayers, but jumped into the heart of the sadhana. Likewise, since this was a continuous practice, I did the dedications and long life prayers only once when I was finished.
There is nothing particularly commendable in this, because it is far less than I should be doing on a daily basis. Furthermore, this did not include any prostrations or Ngondro practice. However, I did realize some very important things from what I did manage to do.
It is clear to me that I should be doing this and more every day, not just on special occasions! Furthermore, I have so many things to learn. I may already know about the Four Noble Truths and the Noble Eightfold Path, but what are the “ten directions,” the “three trainings,” or the “four wheels of practice.” At the same time, I realize that I have too little time left in this lifetime to devote too much of it to academic study. Beyond the study of the fundamentals which are essential, it is most important what I can put into action.
I really do not anticipate being a teacher but rather a simple monk who puts into practice the things I am being taught by my root lama and other elder monks. If I am to be of any benefit to myself and to others, I can't wait until I am ordained a monk, but must begin now. I already have taken on the commitments of my Ngakpa ordination. That requires of me both a more active practice and a more active service for others. Furthermore, I am more convinced than ever that I am to be a Tibetan Buddhist monk. However, this does not mean that I am to wait until I am ordained to live the life of a monk. Rather, I must begin to live as a monk now, not dressing differently, but living differently.
First, I should cease to entertain the notion of a romantic relationship. That has not developed even once in all these years and is most unlikely at this late date. Second, I need to resume the “liquidation of my own estate” with a thought to whether each thing has a place in a monastery. This is about transforming my home into my monastic residence. Third and most importantly, I need to begin to develop my life as a monk here and now.
Of course, I realize that I don't have the full structure of a monastery and that Buddhist monasticism is not based on the solitary monk, but I can do some things nonetheless. First is to place proper importance on my daily practice, the offerings, the prayers, the mantra recitations, and the meditation. Second, I can trim away any activities that either do not contribute to those practices or are not necessitated by my current living arrangements or health issues. Third, I must avail myself of every opportunity for essential teachings that are accessible to me here.
I don't expect this to be easy. First, the present circumstances of my “Journey through Cancer” prevents me from simply going to one of our monastic centers right now. Second, the same cancer complicates doing as much as I might like to be able to do and requires me to constantly question whether is is genuinely fatigue or simply laziness that keeps me from doing what I ought. Finally, as I have already experienced in Christian monasticism, the monastery is not the heaven of bliss and sweet peace but rather the place of struggle with passions and inner conflicts. However, in a solitary life I will have many of the same struggles, but without the aid of a community close at hand to help me in my transformation.
I fully believe and I am thoroughly convinced that my ordination as a monk will not actually be the beginning of something new, but rather the outward recognition and affirmation of what already exists. I will already be on the inside what I am made on the outside. This may not be the way others come to Tibetan Buddhist monasticism, but it seems to be the way I am destined to get there.
Again I first did my “Daily Offerings,” both general and for Dzambhala. After that I did the “altruistic motivation,” “refuge prayers,” and “seven limb prayer” from the KDC prayer book. In preparation for the rest of what I was doing, I did the brief Vajrasattva practice from the same book. Then I did the Achi Chökyi Drölma tea offering with tea from my own mug. I followed this with a Dzambhala water offering. However, I went on to Medicine Buddha, White Tara, and Amitayus Long-life practice with their sadhanas. I followed this with the Short Chenrezig practice from the KDC prayer book. Since I was going from one to another, I did not repeat the preliminary prayers, but jumped into the heart of the sadhana. Likewise, since this was a continuous practice, I did the dedications and long life prayers only once when I was finished.
There is nothing particularly commendable in this, because it is far less than I should be doing on a daily basis. Furthermore, this did not include any prostrations or Ngondro practice. However, I did realize some very important things from what I did manage to do.
It is clear to me that I should be doing this and more every day, not just on special occasions! Furthermore, I have so many things to learn. I may already know about the Four Noble Truths and the Noble Eightfold Path, but what are the “ten directions,” the “three trainings,” or the “four wheels of practice.” At the same time, I realize that I have too little time left in this lifetime to devote too much of it to academic study. Beyond the study of the fundamentals which are essential, it is most important what I can put into action.
I really do not anticipate being a teacher but rather a simple monk who puts into practice the things I am being taught by my root lama and other elder monks. If I am to be of any benefit to myself and to others, I can't wait until I am ordained a monk, but must begin now. I already have taken on the commitments of my Ngakpa ordination. That requires of me both a more active practice and a more active service for others. Furthermore, I am more convinced than ever that I am to be a Tibetan Buddhist monk. However, this does not mean that I am to wait until I am ordained to live the life of a monk. Rather, I must begin to live as a monk now, not dressing differently, but living differently.
First, I should cease to entertain the notion of a romantic relationship. That has not developed even once in all these years and is most unlikely at this late date. Second, I need to resume the “liquidation of my own estate” with a thought to whether each thing has a place in a monastery. This is about transforming my home into my monastic residence. Third and most importantly, I need to begin to develop my life as a monk here and now.
Of course, I realize that I don't have the full structure of a monastery and that Buddhist monasticism is not based on the solitary monk, but I can do some things nonetheless. First is to place proper importance on my daily practice, the offerings, the prayers, the mantra recitations, and the meditation. Second, I can trim away any activities that either do not contribute to those practices or are not necessitated by my current living arrangements or health issues. Third, I must avail myself of every opportunity for essential teachings that are accessible to me here.
I don't expect this to be easy. First, the present circumstances of my “Journey through Cancer” prevents me from simply going to one of our monastic centers right now. Second, the same cancer complicates doing as much as I might like to be able to do and requires me to constantly question whether is is genuinely fatigue or simply laziness that keeps me from doing what I ought. Finally, as I have already experienced in Christian monasticism, the monastery is not the heaven of bliss and sweet peace but rather the place of struggle with passions and inner conflicts. However, in a solitary life I will have many of the same struggles, but without the aid of a community close at hand to help me in my transformation.
I fully believe and I am thoroughly convinced that my ordination as a monk will not actually be the beginning of something new, but rather the outward recognition and affirmation of what already exists. I will already be on the inside what I am made on the outside. This may not be the way others come to Tibetan Buddhist monasticism, but it seems to be the way I am destined to get there.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 15 – The Retreat That Wasn't
Given Friday after Christmas off from my daily routine of radiation treatments by Presidential decree, I thought that it might make a good day to turn into a private retreat. Since it is also the New Moon, it is a particularly auspicious day for spiritual practice. I planned to do a “Liberation of Animals from the Danger of Death” as well as Dzambhala water offering and an Achi tea offering. In addition, I would do whatever other practice I could include. My plan was that I would start as early as possible with “Daily Offerings.” However, my fatigue got the better of me.
I slept way too late, only getting up after several naps. By this time I had gotten together things for the offerings, but it was time for supper. However, after supper, I decided to recover whatever I could of the original plan for the day. I had no animals to liberate, because I couldn't afford them today. Nevertheless, I could still do the water offering and tea offering.
First I did my “Daily Offerings,” both general and for Dzambhala. After that I did the “altruistic motivation,” “refuge prayers,” and “seven limb prayer” from the KDC prayer book. In preparation for the rest of what I was doing, I did the brief Vajrasattva practice from the same book. Then I did the Achi Chökyi Drölma tea offering with tea from my own mug. I followed this with a Dzambhala water offering. I concluded with dedications and long life prayers. In these I have to think of Venerable Lama Sonam as well as my friend Liz and Alejandro and his relative who has cancer.
While this was not the “retreat” that I had planned, it was more than I do on a consistent basis. Perhaps, since I managed to do this in spite of such a late start, this could now become my fundamental daily practice to which I can add elements for which I have received empowerments. I see this as a matter of growth rather than perfection. Since I don't live in a monastery, I can't expect always to be able to do what might be simple there. Furthermore, I am still fairly new to this practice in this lifetime and experience in a previous lifetime doesn't seem to carry over into this one.
With a Full Moon coming up on January 10th, I may try again to make a private retreat like I planned for this New Moon. At least it would again be an auspicious day for spiritual practice. Perhaps I can also do a “Liberation of Animals from the Danger of Death” as well as replace my worn prayer flags with the new ones that I have already gotten. At the very least the attempt at making the day a retreat has advanced my practice and may be an element of good experience for my future.'
In my Christian monastic life, I was not able to stay shut away in the monastery, but rather had to live outside the cloistered life. Perhaps it is like “bear spirit,” balancing hibernation in the Winter with activity in the Spring and Summer. If, as I presently intend, I eventually become a Tibetan Buddhist monk, I may not be able to live the cloistered life either. In any case, I am sure that I have to build up from the kind of weekend retreats that we have at our Dharma Center to a short solitary retreat and eventually to a longer solitary retreat. Everything in its time and under the guidance of my Lama.
At the very least, I have spent the day in a worthwhile manner. Furthermore, short of turning off my phone, in my present circumstances I need to be available to others. Even though I am the most beginning of beginners, I still must be of service to others in whatever way I am able. I feel that I took on a certain responsibility to other sentient beings and to the Dharma when I took Ngakpa ordination. I take it seriously in the manner of the preliminary steps on a longer journey. Just like my “Journey through Cancer,” it is not for myself alone.
I slept way too late, only getting up after several naps. By this time I had gotten together things for the offerings, but it was time for supper. However, after supper, I decided to recover whatever I could of the original plan for the day. I had no animals to liberate, because I couldn't afford them today. Nevertheless, I could still do the water offering and tea offering.
First I did my “Daily Offerings,” both general and for Dzambhala. After that I did the “altruistic motivation,” “refuge prayers,” and “seven limb prayer” from the KDC prayer book. In preparation for the rest of what I was doing, I did the brief Vajrasattva practice from the same book. Then I did the Achi Chökyi Drölma tea offering with tea from my own mug. I followed this with a Dzambhala water offering. I concluded with dedications and long life prayers. In these I have to think of Venerable Lama Sonam as well as my friend Liz and Alejandro and his relative who has cancer.
While this was not the “retreat” that I had planned, it was more than I do on a consistent basis. Perhaps, since I managed to do this in spite of such a late start, this could now become my fundamental daily practice to which I can add elements for which I have received empowerments. I see this as a matter of growth rather than perfection. Since I don't live in a monastery, I can't expect always to be able to do what might be simple there. Furthermore, I am still fairly new to this practice in this lifetime and experience in a previous lifetime doesn't seem to carry over into this one.
With a Full Moon coming up on January 10th, I may try again to make a private retreat like I planned for this New Moon. At least it would again be an auspicious day for spiritual practice. Perhaps I can also do a “Liberation of Animals from the Danger of Death” as well as replace my worn prayer flags with the new ones that I have already gotten. At the very least the attempt at making the day a retreat has advanced my practice and may be an element of good experience for my future.'
In my Christian monastic life, I was not able to stay shut away in the monastery, but rather had to live outside the cloistered life. Perhaps it is like “bear spirit,” balancing hibernation in the Winter with activity in the Spring and Summer. If, as I presently intend, I eventually become a Tibetan Buddhist monk, I may not be able to live the cloistered life either. In any case, I am sure that I have to build up from the kind of weekend retreats that we have at our Dharma Center to a short solitary retreat and eventually to a longer solitary retreat. Everything in its time and under the guidance of my Lama.
At the very least, I have spent the day in a worthwhile manner. Furthermore, short of turning off my phone, in my present circumstances I need to be available to others. Even though I am the most beginning of beginners, I still must be of service to others in whatever way I am able. I feel that I took on a certain responsibility to other sentient beings and to the Dharma when I took Ngakpa ordination. I take it seriously in the manner of the preliminary steps on a longer journey. Just like my “Journey through Cancer,” it is not for myself alone.
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 14 – Unexpected Turns – More about Ritual
When I was growing up, we were poor by most standards. While we might be able to decorate for Christmas inside the house a little, albeit one year with a tree that was two limbs from a neighbor's cedar tree tied together, we could never afford to have outside decorations. Nevertheless, we did enjoy looking at Christmas decorations especially at Black's Department Store in downtown Plant City. Although the owners were Jewish, they created the most beautiful displays for Christmas. We also developed the tradition of driving around town to look at the decorations that others put up. Even in her last years, Mom enjoyed doing this.
This Christmas eve my sister, our friend, Alice, and I drove around town a little to look at decorations. However, we kept our drive more limited than previous years, driving by the displays set up by the city and keeping closer to our own homes. Nevertheless, it was quite pleasant. We followed up by opening presents. I couldn't afford to give much this year. I had a small gift for Alice and haven't made my sister's gift yet, although she does know what it will be.
On Christmas Day we joined just a few friends at All World Acres for a quiet celebration. Notable in this was a Crystal Bowl meditation which I find to be very healing. As usual I entered the same altered state of consciousness that I normally do. At first I seemed to be struggling with racing thoughts, and then, the sound of the last bowl is ending.
One day soon my sister and I will continue with one of our family traditions, putting flowers at the graves in the family plot. Our grandmother kept up this, and then our mother did and now we are doing it, in our turn.
This Christmas eve my sister, our friend, Alice, and I drove around town a little to look at decorations. However, we kept our drive more limited than previous years, driving by the displays set up by the city and keeping closer to our own homes. Nevertheless, it was quite pleasant. We followed up by opening presents. I couldn't afford to give much this year. I had a small gift for Alice and haven't made my sister's gift yet, although she does know what it will be.
On Christmas Day we joined just a few friends at All World Acres for a quiet celebration. Notable in this was a Crystal Bowl meditation which I find to be very healing. As usual I entered the same altered state of consciousness that I normally do. At first I seemed to be struggling with racing thoughts, and then, the sound of the last bowl is ending.
One day soon my sister and I will continue with one of our family traditions, putting flowers at the graves in the family plot. Our grandmother kept up this, and then our mother did and now we are doing it, in our turn.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 14 – Unexpected Turns – Sequel
We often fail to realize the role that ritual plays in our ordinary lives. When something like my recent hospitalization disrupts our daily rituals, we can see better how much we depend on them. With my present radiation treatments my chief side effect is fatigue. My own daily ritual for weekdays has now evolved to be rather simple. After sleeping as late as possible, I rise and have breakfast, do “Daily Offering,” both general and for Dzambhala, take a shower and drive to my radiation therapy session. After my radiation treatment, I collect my travel pay, get gas, and then buy myself a treat of tea or coffee, Thai tea from Boba Internet Cafe, hot spiced chai latte from Kaleisia Tea Lounge, or a good coffee from either Cafe Kili or Coffee 101. When I get to my house, I mark off the date on my “short-timer's calendar.” I follow that with a nap.
In the evening, after supper, I have daily prayers together with at least the short form of White Tara and Medicine Buddha practice. If my strength permits, I do 21 prostrations. At that rate it will take 5291 days to do my 111,111 prostrations for Ngondro practice. When I get my strength back, I'll have to pick up the pace. I then take down the offerings and clean and dry the glasses.
With the effects of the Lasix that I take to keep off the excess fluid that Prednisone is likely to cause to build up, all of this is frequently interrupted by trips to the bathroom. I don't consider meditating or going to bed until after the action of the Lasix seems to have subsided. I give myself ten to twenty minutes for simple “calm abiding” meditation or watching my breathing. I sometimes manage to take a few minutes for this while I wait for my radiation treatments.
While I was hospitalized, this routine was broken up. I had thought that the idea of another kind of medical problem had been the source of my disturbance then, but I am now convinced that it was the disruption of my daily rituals. Even with the way the weekday drive to and from the hospital wears on me, there is something comforting in the sameness of the routine, the familiarity of the commonplace. Furthermore, the coffee or tea treat and the marking of the calendar give me a positive enjoyment to which I can look forward.
Being less than half way through my whole course of treatment and with the increasing degree of fatigue, I know that I will soon need to avail myself of the help of friends who have offered to drive for me. With Christmas day coming and Federal employees being given the day after Christmas as another holiday by the President, we patients are being given a long weekend off from treatments. I plan to take full advantage of the time to rest. My Christmas day activities don't start until 4 PM and I don't plan to stay up late. The day after Christmas being a New Moon, I plan to do a “Liberation of Animals from the Danger of Death” as well as Dzambhala water offering and an Achi tea offering. Otherwise, I plan to rest Friday and Saturday to prepare myself to be able to participate in a “sobriety sweat” on Saturday night. That will still give me Sunday to rest before my treatments resume on Monday.
However, Sunday will also be the first time for me to be able to sign on with the Tongren cancer group online. That will become part of my weekly ritual until the cancer is gone. Somewhere in the course of this long weekend, I want to do Amitayus Long Life practice, possibly turning some small part of the time into my own retreat. Indeed all these practices and offerings are going to be done by myself alone. Nevertheless, as with all of our Tibetan Buddhist practices, they are done not only for my benefit, but for the benefit of all sentient beings.
Likewise this journey is not for myself alone. As I have written before, I realize that it originates in my own karma, but its benefits are not just for the working out of that alone because others can also benefit from it as well. Daily I see the same other people who are going through radiation therapy also. In addition there are new people starting every week. We support and encourage each other. For my next session I plan to take in some pictures to share that a friend sent me, military humor that can be appreciated by other veterans as well. We need to maintain a sense of humor lest things get just too grim.
In the evening, after supper, I have daily prayers together with at least the short form of White Tara and Medicine Buddha practice. If my strength permits, I do 21 prostrations. At that rate it will take 5291 days to do my 111,111 prostrations for Ngondro practice. When I get my strength back, I'll have to pick up the pace. I then take down the offerings and clean and dry the glasses.
With the effects of the Lasix that I take to keep off the excess fluid that Prednisone is likely to cause to build up, all of this is frequently interrupted by trips to the bathroom. I don't consider meditating or going to bed until after the action of the Lasix seems to have subsided. I give myself ten to twenty minutes for simple “calm abiding” meditation or watching my breathing. I sometimes manage to take a few minutes for this while I wait for my radiation treatments.
While I was hospitalized, this routine was broken up. I had thought that the idea of another kind of medical problem had been the source of my disturbance then, but I am now convinced that it was the disruption of my daily rituals. Even with the way the weekday drive to and from the hospital wears on me, there is something comforting in the sameness of the routine, the familiarity of the commonplace. Furthermore, the coffee or tea treat and the marking of the calendar give me a positive enjoyment to which I can look forward.
Being less than half way through my whole course of treatment and with the increasing degree of fatigue, I know that I will soon need to avail myself of the help of friends who have offered to drive for me. With Christmas day coming and Federal employees being given the day after Christmas as another holiday by the President, we patients are being given a long weekend off from treatments. I plan to take full advantage of the time to rest. My Christmas day activities don't start until 4 PM and I don't plan to stay up late. The day after Christmas being a New Moon, I plan to do a “Liberation of Animals from the Danger of Death” as well as Dzambhala water offering and an Achi tea offering. Otherwise, I plan to rest Friday and Saturday to prepare myself to be able to participate in a “sobriety sweat” on Saturday night. That will still give me Sunday to rest before my treatments resume on Monday.
However, Sunday will also be the first time for me to be able to sign on with the Tongren cancer group online. That will become part of my weekly ritual until the cancer is gone. Somewhere in the course of this long weekend, I want to do Amitayus Long Life practice, possibly turning some small part of the time into my own retreat. Indeed all these practices and offerings are going to be done by myself alone. Nevertheless, as with all of our Tibetan Buddhist practices, they are done not only for my benefit, but for the benefit of all sentient beings.
Likewise this journey is not for myself alone. As I have written before, I realize that it originates in my own karma, but its benefits are not just for the working out of that alone because others can also benefit from it as well. Daily I see the same other people who are going through radiation therapy also. In addition there are new people starting every week. We support and encourage each other. For my next session I plan to take in some pictures to share that a friend sent me, military humor that can be appreciated by other veterans as well. We need to maintain a sense of humor lest things get just too grim.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 14 – Unexpected Turns
Wednesday, I got to the VA as usual for my scheduled radiation therapy session, but, as I all too often do, I was experiencing a little lightheadedness and unsteadiness as I got out of my truck. I just thought that this was a little problem of low blood pressure because I take so many meds that affect it and can seriously lower it when I take them to close together. I assumed that it would pass as it often does.
I went on to my radiation session and then collected my travel pay. However, when I was heading back to my truck, I realized that I was still feeling the same unsteadiness and wobbliness. At that point I decided that I should go back to RTU to get one of the nurses to check my blood pressure. To my surprise, it was normal. I then considered that the feeling might also have been caused by high blood sugar. The nurse to me to the ER to have that checked, which turned out to be perfectly normal.
The nurses decided that this needed follow up and I was admitted to the ER. The ER physician called in a Neurology consult. When the neurologist's work up did not detect anything, she decided that I should be admitted to the hospital “overnight” for “observation” and testing.
“Overnight” stretched into three days with me wearing a heart monitor and going to test after test. I managed to still get my radiation treatments among all the tests. Since the symptoms that got me admitted were soon long gone, all of the testing has served to tell what is alright with me. With the time that I spent as an inpatient, I did get to share my Buddhist perspectives on my present circumstances and on life in general.
Finally, I was discharged from the hospital on Saturday with just enough time to get a short nap, have a bite of supper, and then drive with my sister to a witchy friend's Solstice celebration. Besides being in the general form of a ritual in the reclaiming tradition of Witchcraft as taught by Starhawk, it was specifically directed toward getting rid of something negative and seeking to receive something else positive in its place. Of course, it began with the usual preliminaries. I asperged everyone with water using a sprig of rosemary which I gave to each person as a remembrance of what we did. This was followed by calling the quarters and casting the circle and summoning deities. I called on Quan Yin, because this was particularly appropriate for me. Then we came to the “magical working” with a fire lit in the cauldron. As we chanted, “Dark of the year, wheel is turning. Dark of the moon, open up your heart. Dark of our lives, what we envision will come to be with the new born light,” our friend went to each of us in turn. She asked us what we wanted to give up. I said, “Disease.” I thought not only of myself, but also of my friend, Liz, who has just been diagnosed with breast cancer.
A second time she went around the group as we chanted “Dark of the year, wheel is turning. Dark of the moon, open up your heart. Dark of our lives, what we envision will come to be with the new born light.” This time she asked us what we wanted new in our lives. I said , “Life.” Again I thought not only of myself, but also of my friend, Liz.
Thistle commented that the last time my sister and I attended on of her rituals the handle of her cauldron burned off and this time it did too. For myself, I noticed that unlike my last time at a fire circle when I could not get warm, this time I was definitely absorbing energy from the fire. Although others had needed to put on jackets, I was still comfortable in my T-shirt.
After we had sent out the healing energy, dismissed the quarters and the deities and open the circle we went inside and “grounded” ourselves with food. We also got the chance to socialize and continue the process of getting acquainted that began before the ritual. In this situation, I did get to express my view that my present journey is not only for myself but for the benefit of others as well.
I went on to my radiation session and then collected my travel pay. However, when I was heading back to my truck, I realized that I was still feeling the same unsteadiness and wobbliness. At that point I decided that I should go back to RTU to get one of the nurses to check my blood pressure. To my surprise, it was normal. I then considered that the feeling might also have been caused by high blood sugar. The nurse to me to the ER to have that checked, which turned out to be perfectly normal.
The nurses decided that this needed follow up and I was admitted to the ER. The ER physician called in a Neurology consult. When the neurologist's work up did not detect anything, she decided that I should be admitted to the hospital “overnight” for “observation” and testing.
“Overnight” stretched into three days with me wearing a heart monitor and going to test after test. I managed to still get my radiation treatments among all the tests. Since the symptoms that got me admitted were soon long gone, all of the testing has served to tell what is alright with me. With the time that I spent as an inpatient, I did get to share my Buddhist perspectives on my present circumstances and on life in general.
Finally, I was discharged from the hospital on Saturday with just enough time to get a short nap, have a bite of supper, and then drive with my sister to a witchy friend's Solstice celebration. Besides being in the general form of a ritual in the reclaiming tradition of Witchcraft as taught by Starhawk, it was specifically directed toward getting rid of something negative and seeking to receive something else positive in its place. Of course, it began with the usual preliminaries. I asperged everyone with water using a sprig of rosemary which I gave to each person as a remembrance of what we did. This was followed by calling the quarters and casting the circle and summoning deities. I called on Quan Yin, because this was particularly appropriate for me. Then we came to the “magical working” with a fire lit in the cauldron. As we chanted, “Dark of the year, wheel is turning. Dark of the moon, open up your heart. Dark of our lives, what we envision will come to be with the new born light,” our friend went to each of us in turn. She asked us what we wanted to give up. I said, “Disease.” I thought not only of myself, but also of my friend, Liz, who has just been diagnosed with breast cancer.
A second time she went around the group as we chanted “Dark of the year, wheel is turning. Dark of the moon, open up your heart. Dark of our lives, what we envision will come to be with the new born light.” This time she asked us what we wanted new in our lives. I said , “Life.” Again I thought not only of myself, but also of my friend, Liz.
Thistle commented that the last time my sister and I attended on of her rituals the handle of her cauldron burned off and this time it did too. For myself, I noticed that unlike my last time at a fire circle when I could not get warm, this time I was definitely absorbing energy from the fire. Although others had needed to put on jackets, I was still comfortable in my T-shirt.
After we had sent out the healing energy, dismissed the quarters and the deities and open the circle we went inside and “grounded” ourselves with food. We also got the chance to socialize and continue the process of getting acquainted that began before the ritual. In this situation, I did get to express my view that my present journey is not only for myself but for the benefit of others as well.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 13 – The Love of a Community
Weeks ago when I attended Florida Pagan Gathering, I experienced the love of many people whom I knew there. However, they were just a minority of the more than 600 people in attendance. On the other hand, at the Yule celebration that I attended at All World Acres this weekend I was enveloped in the love of the Pagan community there. Some already knew about my cancer treatment and others only found out this weekend. Nevertheless, almost everyone expressed love and support for me in this journey. Some of them I have not known for very long at all.
On Sunday afternoon. in addition to such expressions of support there were two alternative therapy modalities from which I benefited: crystal bowl meditation and energy healing. I even got accupressure pointers to manage my radiation treatment side effects, particularly inflamed hemorrhoids and fatigue. One of the participating energy workers came with her husband specifically to work on me. Not only did she utilize her skills and training, but she also had valuable advice from her own experience with radiation therapy. For this weekend, this was the culmination of a bigger and very beautiful experience.
On Friday, troubled by both fatigue and diarrhea, not only was I not able to pitch my tent in the afternoon to camp out for the weekend, but also I wasn't able to tend the fire for the sweat lodge that night or even attend it. However, the next day, Saturday, friends were asking my sister when I would be getting there. When I did arrive, I felt surrounded by their love.
I must confess that I found it especially heartening that a particular lady was asking about me. This is a lady toward whom I felt a strong attraction the first time I met her. The attraction is more than just physical, although it is that. I find the person that she is attractive to me, her Dianic witchy traditions, her intelligence, and her wicked sense of humor. Even if I can't see any way for a relationship to develop, she is one of the ladies that makes me question whether I should return to a monastic life with its celibacy. Admittedly, although I have both informally and very formally and even ritually renounced my monastic vows from my days as a Russian Orthodox monk, I remain, in practical terms, just as celibate as ever, in fact, not even romantically kissed.
I guess I still have to ask this question, lest I make the same kind of mistake that I did as an aftermath of a horrific nightmare of a marriage. On the other hand, I'm not sure whether I have the requisite social skills, no matter how common or simple, to begin or sustain a romantic relationship. I refuse, as a matter of principle, to “play games.” However, I have been told by men who are notably popular with the ladies that it is both essential and expected to do just that. Nevertheless, I sincerely doubt that a lasting relationship can be built that way. Furthermore, my conscience would be profoundly disturbed by any such deception.
I have had a psychic, whose reading of my past and present (at that time) and some predictions have proven particularly accurate, tell me that I have a “soul-mate” whom I have yet to meet. I am not sure whether I should accept this or regard it as a deception, even if unintended. Furthermore, when I can't distinguish at my age between mere flirting and genuine interest except through a third party's report, how can any relationship have the chance to start. Moreover, at my age, without the experience of any genuine romantic relationship even once, why should I even expect it at this late date.
Regardless of such questions, I am absolutely certain of the following things: I am to follow the Tibetan Buddhist path; I acted correctly in “taking refuge” when and where I did; I also quite correctly chose Ngakpa ordination precisely when I did; and I also made no mistake in trusting Venerable Lama Sonam to guide me on this spiritual path. Two experiences during this weekend, neither of which are new to me, are supportive of these decisions. In the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, Sogyal Rinpoche writes, “Despite this massive and nearly all-pervasive denial of its existence, we still sometimes have fleeting glimpses of the nature of mind.” I believe that the altered state that I sometimes enter when drumming or when the crystal bowls are played has given me such a glimpse.
I had not realized that until this weekend. However, my current reading may have attuned me to recognize it no matter how brief and unstable it has been. Nevertheless, such glimpses serve to convince me that there really is a “Buddha-nature” in all of us, and further, to motivate me to keep on the path provided by Tibetan Buddhism and to keep returning to my practice in spite of my lazy and undisciplined habits. A realization like this encourages me that if I do indeed follow through with becoming a monk, there may yet be enough time in what remains of this lifetime for me to attain enlightenment for the benefit of myself and all sentient beings, either in life or in the Bardo.
Compared to that, what is a romantic relationship, no matter how desirable? Like all other things about our lives, it is impermanent and ultimately not the source of lasting happiness. Perhaps, despite my lack of such a relationship in this lifetime, I have already had enough of that in my many previous lifetimes. Now, I again have a precious human life in which to seek enlightenment. Shall I use what is left of it on anything less?
If this new reminder of my own mortality has refocused my priorities properly, and if this time I keep to the path toward enlightenment, and if the duration and intensity of my experience of this “Journey through Cancer” keeps me from accepting anything less than true liberation, then it is of infinite and ultimate importance. Finally, its value is not only for me, but also for all sentient beings.
On Sunday afternoon. in addition to such expressions of support there were two alternative therapy modalities from which I benefited: crystal bowl meditation and energy healing. I even got accupressure pointers to manage my radiation treatment side effects, particularly inflamed hemorrhoids and fatigue. One of the participating energy workers came with her husband specifically to work on me. Not only did she utilize her skills and training, but she also had valuable advice from her own experience with radiation therapy. For this weekend, this was the culmination of a bigger and very beautiful experience.
On Friday, troubled by both fatigue and diarrhea, not only was I not able to pitch my tent in the afternoon to camp out for the weekend, but also I wasn't able to tend the fire for the sweat lodge that night or even attend it. However, the next day, Saturday, friends were asking my sister when I would be getting there. When I did arrive, I felt surrounded by their love.
I must confess that I found it especially heartening that a particular lady was asking about me. This is a lady toward whom I felt a strong attraction the first time I met her. The attraction is more than just physical, although it is that. I find the person that she is attractive to me, her Dianic witchy traditions, her intelligence, and her wicked sense of humor. Even if I can't see any way for a relationship to develop, she is one of the ladies that makes me question whether I should return to a monastic life with its celibacy. Admittedly, although I have both informally and very formally and even ritually renounced my monastic vows from my days as a Russian Orthodox monk, I remain, in practical terms, just as celibate as ever, in fact, not even romantically kissed.
I guess I still have to ask this question, lest I make the same kind of mistake that I did as an aftermath of a horrific nightmare of a marriage. On the other hand, I'm not sure whether I have the requisite social skills, no matter how common or simple, to begin or sustain a romantic relationship. I refuse, as a matter of principle, to “play games.” However, I have been told by men who are notably popular with the ladies that it is both essential and expected to do just that. Nevertheless, I sincerely doubt that a lasting relationship can be built that way. Furthermore, my conscience would be profoundly disturbed by any such deception.
I have had a psychic, whose reading of my past and present (at that time) and some predictions have proven particularly accurate, tell me that I have a “soul-mate” whom I have yet to meet. I am not sure whether I should accept this or regard it as a deception, even if unintended. Furthermore, when I can't distinguish at my age between mere flirting and genuine interest except through a third party's report, how can any relationship have the chance to start. Moreover, at my age, without the experience of any genuine romantic relationship even once, why should I even expect it at this late date.
Regardless of such questions, I am absolutely certain of the following things: I am to follow the Tibetan Buddhist path; I acted correctly in “taking refuge” when and where I did; I also quite correctly chose Ngakpa ordination precisely when I did; and I also made no mistake in trusting Venerable Lama Sonam to guide me on this spiritual path. Two experiences during this weekend, neither of which are new to me, are supportive of these decisions. In the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, Sogyal Rinpoche writes, “Despite this massive and nearly all-pervasive denial of its existence, we still sometimes have fleeting glimpses of the nature of mind.” I believe that the altered state that I sometimes enter when drumming or when the crystal bowls are played has given me such a glimpse.
I had not realized that until this weekend. However, my current reading may have attuned me to recognize it no matter how brief and unstable it has been. Nevertheless, such glimpses serve to convince me that there really is a “Buddha-nature” in all of us, and further, to motivate me to keep on the path provided by Tibetan Buddhism and to keep returning to my practice in spite of my lazy and undisciplined habits. A realization like this encourages me that if I do indeed follow through with becoming a monk, there may yet be enough time in what remains of this lifetime for me to attain enlightenment for the benefit of myself and all sentient beings, either in life or in the Bardo.
Compared to that, what is a romantic relationship, no matter how desirable? Like all other things about our lives, it is impermanent and ultimately not the source of lasting happiness. Perhaps, despite my lack of such a relationship in this lifetime, I have already had enough of that in my many previous lifetimes. Now, I again have a precious human life in which to seek enlightenment. Shall I use what is left of it on anything less?
If this new reminder of my own mortality has refocused my priorities properly, and if this time I keep to the path toward enlightenment, and if the duration and intensity of my experience of this “Journey through Cancer” keeps me from accepting anything less than true liberation, then it is of infinite and ultimate importance. Finally, its value is not only for me, but also for all sentient beings.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 12 – The Loss of a Friend
Yesterday, my cat died. We had been together through some very trying times, Mom's decline and death from Alzheimer's disease and my own recent diagnosis of cancer. However, when her liver failed, I could not save her.
She had quit eating and drinking, losing weight from her thin frame and becoming seriously dehydrated. I took her to the vet yesterday, but he gave her a poor prognosis. She would need a very intensive and expensive treatment and still would have little chance of recovery. As it was, the bill for the office visit and tests was around $180 which I can ill afford at this time. Furthermore, the treatment would have likely been beyond my ability to deliver since I may soon be at the point of being barely able to take care of myself. Even at that, after enduring such a difficult treatment she had so little chance of getting better.
Not only did I lack both the financial and physical means to provide that kind of care, but I also could not bear for her to undergo more suffering to no purpose. Governed by emotions and cultural bias, I decided to have her euthanized. I now wonder whether that was the right decision, because it violates the precept of no killing. Our culture and our society give us only the two choices, full medical care or euthanasia, for our animals. However, I believe that as a Buddhist I should have chosen a third alternative, palliative care. I could have brought her home and treated her to relieve her suffering and let her die both comfortably and naturally here. The fees for euthanasia and “disposal” should have been sufficient to cover that kind of medicine. Furthermore, after her death rather than being “disposed of,' she could have been buried here where her bones would have joined those of all the pets who enriched our lives growing up here.
Unfortunately, I cannot undo what I have done, but I can decide to do better the next time such a choice must be made. Furthermore, I can console myself that I spent my last minutes with Ancyra chanting the Chenrezig mantra and the Amitabha mantra and wishing her a peaceful passing and a better rebirth. However, after participating in and even leading “Liberating Animals from the Danger of Death,” I believe I could have done better by her.
In further consolation, particularly for my loss, the vet has offered that when I complete my treatments, he will give me a kitten with all its shots and either neutered or spayed for free. I do plan on accepting that offer. I already feel more alone without a cat or dog in my life.
This may seem like a small thing, but for me it is a significant part of my new way of life as a committed Buddhist. As a consequence of praying “for the benefit of all sentient beings,” I should have a different relationship to those “sentient beings.” I am just learning what that new relationship should be.
Tonight at the Dharma Center I found out that Venerable Lama Sonam covered this very issue in his teachings on the Bardo that he gave at Katsel Dharma Garden in Clearwater. Had I been able to attend this teaching, I would have already known that I should have let her have a natural death, but I have learned this the hard way. Furthermore, I would have been given tools to apply in such a circumstance which would have helped me cope with it and to do the best for Ancyra for her future.
She had quit eating and drinking, losing weight from her thin frame and becoming seriously dehydrated. I took her to the vet yesterday, but he gave her a poor prognosis. She would need a very intensive and expensive treatment and still would have little chance of recovery. As it was, the bill for the office visit and tests was around $180 which I can ill afford at this time. Furthermore, the treatment would have likely been beyond my ability to deliver since I may soon be at the point of being barely able to take care of myself. Even at that, after enduring such a difficult treatment she had so little chance of getting better.
Not only did I lack both the financial and physical means to provide that kind of care, but I also could not bear for her to undergo more suffering to no purpose. Governed by emotions and cultural bias, I decided to have her euthanized. I now wonder whether that was the right decision, because it violates the precept of no killing. Our culture and our society give us only the two choices, full medical care or euthanasia, for our animals. However, I believe that as a Buddhist I should have chosen a third alternative, palliative care. I could have brought her home and treated her to relieve her suffering and let her die both comfortably and naturally here. The fees for euthanasia and “disposal” should have been sufficient to cover that kind of medicine. Furthermore, after her death rather than being “disposed of,' she could have been buried here where her bones would have joined those of all the pets who enriched our lives growing up here.
Unfortunately, I cannot undo what I have done, but I can decide to do better the next time such a choice must be made. Furthermore, I can console myself that I spent my last minutes with Ancyra chanting the Chenrezig mantra and the Amitabha mantra and wishing her a peaceful passing and a better rebirth. However, after participating in and even leading “Liberating Animals from the Danger of Death,” I believe I could have done better by her.
In further consolation, particularly for my loss, the vet has offered that when I complete my treatments, he will give me a kitten with all its shots and either neutered or spayed for free. I do plan on accepting that offer. I already feel more alone without a cat or dog in my life.
This may seem like a small thing, but for me it is a significant part of my new way of life as a committed Buddhist. As a consequence of praying “for the benefit of all sentient beings,” I should have a different relationship to those “sentient beings.” I am just learning what that new relationship should be.
Tonight at the Dharma Center I found out that Venerable Lama Sonam covered this very issue in his teachings on the Bardo that he gave at Katsel Dharma Garden in Clearwater. Had I been able to attend this teaching, I would have already known that I should have let her have a natural death, but I have learned this the hard way. Furthermore, I would have been given tools to apply in such a circumstance which would have helped me cope with it and to do the best for Ancyra for her future.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 11 – Side Effects
With any course of treatment there are inevitably side effects. Even good old aspirin has them, longer clotting times. With some medications they seem worse than the illness that they treat. With others the side effects, however unpleasant, are preferable to the consequences of not accepting treatment. Cancer treatments are notorious for their side effects. Beam radiation has its set, but less than most of the chemotherapy drugs.
In my last blog post I said I didn't know whether I was already experiencing the first of them after only two treatments. Although those symptoms were the result of nerves, I now actually have the first of them, skin irritation and nausea. The skin through which the beams pass feels like I've had a little too much sun, but not quite a full sunburn. The skin is hot to the touch, tight and irritated. The only symptom to sun exposure lacking is redness. These areas are still as pale as ever since they never see the sun. I am going to place tubes of the moisturizing cream that was prescribed anywhere that I might spend significant time as well as try to carry a tube with me. I won't risk allowing too long to go by without it. I need to keep from having too much trouble with my skin in order that these areas not become new flare up sites for psoriasis.
The nausea hit me after supper. Fortunately, I was able to enjoy a good meal before it started. While it is milder than it might have been, indeed might yet be, I am glad that I already bought the protein powder and keep milk and yogurt in the refrigerator. Tonight my protein “smoothie” was just my snack before taking my night time medications and practice for making them when they are essential nutrition. My only mistake was adding a little honey for sweetening, not realizing that the protein powder is already sweetened. That is a small error when considered against my readiness to make these when I really need them.
Additionally there may be some irritation to the lower gastrointestinal tract, although it could be an unrelated flare up of my hemorrhoids. My sister got me a “donut” cushion that I may start using if this persists. Right now I am getting by just trying to sit “lightly” on the edge of my chair.
All in all, I have to say that these side effects are not all that serious or that severe. For that, I am most grateful. While I understand from what I have read that they are likely to get more serious and more severe as I progress through my treatments, I have confidence that we can manage them.
Indirectly a side effect, my arthritis is worse today, as I work out just how much prednisone is required to treat it. Taking it every other day doesn't work. Now I'll step up to a single pill each day. In addition, I have to be very faithful in taking my Lasix every day to prevent prednisone's common side effect of water retention. Having that could adversely affect my treatments either through reducing their effectiveness or through causing healthy tissues to be exposed to too much radiation. Furthermore, I have to take the Lasix around supper time in order that I not have trouble getting to a bathroom while its activity peaks and also to not have it send me to the bathroom at night more often than I do already. This is just one more of the adjustments that I have had to make or may yet have to make before this journey ends with a cancer-free state.
These are a few of the considerations at this stage in this process. Although I am sure there will be other concerns as time goes on, I trust I will handle them with the support system I already have. Furthermore, the spiritual support of my vajra brothers and sisters as well as my root lama will strengthen me to use the practical tools that I have at my disposal. Moreover, they will help me keep in mind both the karmic origin of my situation and its benefit to others.
Although I'm feeling rather poorly right now, I hope that when I get up in the morning I'll have the energy to start back on my project of “liquidating my own estate.” Even though the VA is giving me travel pay for all my appointments, it, together with my pension, still won't cover the additional expenses I'm likely to incur. For example, sometimes when I have more appointments than just the treatment session, I'll need to eat out. However, this is not just a practical activity, but rather a spiritual exercise in identifying and overcoming attachments. Alternatively, if I'm not up to doing something that physical, I can sew a few items for my sister to sell at a pagan festival or for the Dharma Center to sell to raise funds. I can take $20 worth of fabric to make $120 worth of merchandise, more than I could afford to donate. Furthermore, the action of sewing things for my vajra brothers and sisters to use and the act of donating them is a spiritual activity. If what I make aids them in spiritual practice, it benefits me, them and all sentient beings.
In my last blog post I said I didn't know whether I was already experiencing the first of them after only two treatments. Although those symptoms were the result of nerves, I now actually have the first of them, skin irritation and nausea. The skin through which the beams pass feels like I've had a little too much sun, but not quite a full sunburn. The skin is hot to the touch, tight and irritated. The only symptom to sun exposure lacking is redness. These areas are still as pale as ever since they never see the sun. I am going to place tubes of the moisturizing cream that was prescribed anywhere that I might spend significant time as well as try to carry a tube with me. I won't risk allowing too long to go by without it. I need to keep from having too much trouble with my skin in order that these areas not become new flare up sites for psoriasis.
The nausea hit me after supper. Fortunately, I was able to enjoy a good meal before it started. While it is milder than it might have been, indeed might yet be, I am glad that I already bought the protein powder and keep milk and yogurt in the refrigerator. Tonight my protein “smoothie” was just my snack before taking my night time medications and practice for making them when they are essential nutrition. My only mistake was adding a little honey for sweetening, not realizing that the protein powder is already sweetened. That is a small error when considered against my readiness to make these when I really need them.
Additionally there may be some irritation to the lower gastrointestinal tract, although it could be an unrelated flare up of my hemorrhoids. My sister got me a “donut” cushion that I may start using if this persists. Right now I am getting by just trying to sit “lightly” on the edge of my chair.
All in all, I have to say that these side effects are not all that serious or that severe. For that, I am most grateful. While I understand from what I have read that they are likely to get more serious and more severe as I progress through my treatments, I have confidence that we can manage them.
Indirectly a side effect, my arthritis is worse today, as I work out just how much prednisone is required to treat it. Taking it every other day doesn't work. Now I'll step up to a single pill each day. In addition, I have to be very faithful in taking my Lasix every day to prevent prednisone's common side effect of water retention. Having that could adversely affect my treatments either through reducing their effectiveness or through causing healthy tissues to be exposed to too much radiation. Furthermore, I have to take the Lasix around supper time in order that I not have trouble getting to a bathroom while its activity peaks and also to not have it send me to the bathroom at night more often than I do already. This is just one more of the adjustments that I have had to make or may yet have to make before this journey ends with a cancer-free state.
These are a few of the considerations at this stage in this process. Although I am sure there will be other concerns as time goes on, I trust I will handle them with the support system I already have. Furthermore, the spiritual support of my vajra brothers and sisters as well as my root lama will strengthen me to use the practical tools that I have at my disposal. Moreover, they will help me keep in mind both the karmic origin of my situation and its benefit to others.
Although I'm feeling rather poorly right now, I hope that when I get up in the morning I'll have the energy to start back on my project of “liquidating my own estate.” Even though the VA is giving me travel pay for all my appointments, it, together with my pension, still won't cover the additional expenses I'm likely to incur. For example, sometimes when I have more appointments than just the treatment session, I'll need to eat out. However, this is not just a practical activity, but rather a spiritual exercise in identifying and overcoming attachments. Alternatively, if I'm not up to doing something that physical, I can sew a few items for my sister to sell at a pagan festival or for the Dharma Center to sell to raise funds. I can take $20 worth of fabric to make $120 worth of merchandise, more than I could afford to donate. Furthermore, the action of sewing things for my vajra brothers and sisters to use and the act of donating them is a spiritual activity. If what I make aids them in spiritual practice, it benefits me, them and all sentient beings.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 10 – addendum – It Begins
Yesterday I had my first radiation treatment after “verification x-rays” confirmed the positioning of the linear accelerator, the beam source. Unfortunately, because the time for the x-rays extended my time on the table, I found myself feeling extreme urgency. Perhaps, tomorrow I should back off a little on the water I drink after I arrive. However, since there will be less time on the table, I should be less likely to get in the same state again.
While I waited for this first session, besides drinking the necessary amount of water, I recited mantras (Medicine Buddha and White Tara) and turned my prayer wheel. Although I had a book to read, I didn't seem to have the requisite degree of concentration for that. Perhaps while awaiting future sessions, I'll manage to read. Since the book is the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying and we are having teachings on the Bardo at Katsel Dharma Garden in Clearwater this weekend, it would be good for me to make some progress in the book.
I had to go to pharmacy to straighten out a problem with regard to the moisturizing cream they want me to use. The prescription had been written on my last visit, but it had never arrived in the mail. Therefore I had thought that I had misunderstood it coming by mail. Since I need to start using yesterday, I needed to pick it up the same day. The pharmacist ordered my refill to be picked up at the pharmacy window. I was very pleased to read the list of ingredients, the first of which was aloe vera gel. However I was not so happy about some of the other ingredients. Hopefully, the less desirable constituents will not negate the benefits of things like safflower oil, beeswax, Vitamin D, and Vitamin E. Tonight I'll use it for the first time, replacing my comfrey and lavender salve made with olive oil and beeswax.
As much as I have been preparing, yesterday I showed signs of nervousness nonetheless, elevated blood pressure, mild headache, and restlessness. Even the cause of the new frequent and urgent urination with almost nothing in my bladder which started after my treatment session could as easily be nerves as it could be irritation of the urethra by radiation. Considering the fact that this is the first treatment, it is probably unlikely to be a side effect of radiation. From everything that I've read, it takes multiple sessions to cause the first side effects. Regardless of the cause, it is really annoying that I can't get far from restrooms
This morning I believe I may have the first side effects in the form of skin irritation. I had not expected that after only the first session, because I thought my comfrey and lavender salve was preparing the skin for it. However, last night I was itching in the lower abdominal region and this morning I am in the whole exposed area. I'll have to talk to the nurse practitioner in RTU to rule out some other cause, because this could also be from nervousness.
Yesterday has involved “good news and bad news.” The good news was that the rate for mileage for travel pay has increased to the point that I satisfied my deductible yesterday and collected enough to cover my lunch. As we progress through my treatment appointments, this should cover my gas expense as long as gas prices don't go up as high as they were. The bad news is that I can't take Enbrel for my , psoriasis and psoriatic arthritis during my treatments, because it suppresses Tumor Necrosis Factor which my body now needs to take care of the cancer cells. Instead, I am to take prednisone which might complicate keeping my weight under control due to its effect on appetite and water retention. I'll just have to focus on topical medications for the psoriasis and trying to use the least dosage of prednisone to manage the arthritis.
At my Rheumatology appointment, I joked with the nurse practitioner about whether I would glow in the dark after my treatments. She did discuss with me the increased risk of cancer returning that would be involved in going back onto Enbrel or one of the similar medications, but we discussed how few options we have for treating my psoriasis and psoriatic arthritis effectively. My inclination is to tackle each challenge as it comes. We concluded that we would have to weigh my options when I get through with treatment and set my next Rheumatology appointment for about a month after my final radiation therapy session.
All in all, I would say that it wasn't a bad beginning for such an undesirable process. I will make it through it, hopefully staying spiritually grounded and with my sense of humor intact.
While I waited for this first session, besides drinking the necessary amount of water, I recited mantras (Medicine Buddha and White Tara) and turned my prayer wheel. Although I had a book to read, I didn't seem to have the requisite degree of concentration for that. Perhaps while awaiting future sessions, I'll manage to read. Since the book is the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying and we are having teachings on the Bardo at Katsel Dharma Garden in Clearwater this weekend, it would be good for me to make some progress in the book.
I had to go to pharmacy to straighten out a problem with regard to the moisturizing cream they want me to use. The prescription had been written on my last visit, but it had never arrived in the mail. Therefore I had thought that I had misunderstood it coming by mail. Since I need to start using yesterday, I needed to pick it up the same day. The pharmacist ordered my refill to be picked up at the pharmacy window. I was very pleased to read the list of ingredients, the first of which was aloe vera gel. However I was not so happy about some of the other ingredients. Hopefully, the less desirable constituents will not negate the benefits of things like safflower oil, beeswax, Vitamin D, and Vitamin E. Tonight I'll use it for the first time, replacing my comfrey and lavender salve made with olive oil and beeswax.
As much as I have been preparing, yesterday I showed signs of nervousness nonetheless, elevated blood pressure, mild headache, and restlessness. Even the cause of the new frequent and urgent urination with almost nothing in my bladder which started after my treatment session could as easily be nerves as it could be irritation of the urethra by radiation. Considering the fact that this is the first treatment, it is probably unlikely to be a side effect of radiation. From everything that I've read, it takes multiple sessions to cause the first side effects. Regardless of the cause, it is really annoying that I can't get far from restrooms
This morning I believe I may have the first side effects in the form of skin irritation. I had not expected that after only the first session, because I thought my comfrey and lavender salve was preparing the skin for it. However, last night I was itching in the lower abdominal region and this morning I am in the whole exposed area. I'll have to talk to the nurse practitioner in RTU to rule out some other cause, because this could also be from nervousness.
Yesterday has involved “good news and bad news.” The good news was that the rate for mileage for travel pay has increased to the point that I satisfied my deductible yesterday and collected enough to cover my lunch. As we progress through my treatment appointments, this should cover my gas expense as long as gas prices don't go up as high as they were. The bad news is that I can't take Enbrel for my , psoriasis and psoriatic arthritis during my treatments, because it suppresses Tumor Necrosis Factor which my body now needs to take care of the cancer cells. Instead, I am to take prednisone which might complicate keeping my weight under control due to its effect on appetite and water retention. I'll just have to focus on topical medications for the psoriasis and trying to use the least dosage of prednisone to manage the arthritis.
At my Rheumatology appointment, I joked with the nurse practitioner about whether I would glow in the dark after my treatments. She did discuss with me the increased risk of cancer returning that would be involved in going back onto Enbrel or one of the similar medications, but we discussed how few options we have for treating my psoriasis and psoriatic arthritis effectively. My inclination is to tackle each challenge as it comes. We concluded that we would have to weigh my options when I get through with treatment and set my next Rheumatology appointment for about a month after my final radiation therapy session.
All in all, I would say that it wasn't a bad beginning for such an undesirable process. I will make it through it, hopefully staying spiritually grounded and with my sense of humor intact.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 10 – The Spiritual Preparations
This weekend I completed my first Tibetan Buddhist retreat since taking refuge and being ordained Ngakpa. Quite appropriately it was what is sometimes called a “Refuge Retreat.” It consisted of teaching on the importance of Ngondro, an explanation of the Refuge portion of Ngondro, followed by the Ngondro Retreat.
The retreat was divided into four sessions, two on each day. Each of these consisted of prayers (altruistic motivation, several forms of the refuge prayer and the seven limb prayer), “the four ways of turning the mind,” a period of meditation for each of the ways, chanting of several mantras, followed by the refuge prayer repeatedly as we do prostrations, then another period of meditation, followed by more mantra recitations and then the dedication prayers. This is a powerful practice which is described as an important method for the purification of negative deeds and the accumulation of merit.
At my age, the prostrations are significantly more difficult than when I was younger. The last time I did this practice, it was not part of a retreat but a weekly Dharma practice. At that time, although I could not keep up with my younger vajra brothers and sisters, I did not give up or stop before they did. This weekend, only in the last session did I accomplish that and then only by pausing often to pace myself rather than trying to do my prostrations at the same pace as everyone else. Fortunately, Venerable Lama Sonam doesn't expect all of us to do the same number of prostrations in the same amount of time. Rather he has suggested that those of us who have difficulty with them try to do 21 each day until we are able to do more. Previously the prospect of doing the 111,111 prostrations that are part of Ngondro practice was so out of reach that I didn't even try. This time, however long it may take, I will continue until I accomplish this. We often pray the Action Bodhicitta Prayer, “Thus, until I achieve enlightenment, I perform virtuous deeds with body, speech & mind. Until death, I perform virtuous deeds with body, speech & mind. From now until this time tomorrow, I perform virtuous deeds with body, speech and mind.“ Prostrations are part of the “body” portion of it.
“With body, speech and mind,” a phrase that is so powerful and it is so much of why I chose to become Tibetan Buddhist. To me it is a holistic form of spirituality which doesn't seem to neglect anything about us as human beings. It is built on Shakyamuni Buddha's scientific method. It has a method and program of action which, if it doesn't lead us to enlightenment in this lifetime, at least carries us in that direction. The practice of this weekend retreat is no exception. For me there were so many small realizations and so many moments of growth.
The introduction to the text says, “However, to practice the path of Mahamudra and the six yogas of Naropa one must be fully convinced of the 'four ways of turning the mind' or the four foundations. The four ways of turning the mind are the basis for the successful practice of any of the Yanas. Then one practices the four extraordinary foundations, or the Vajrayana Ngondro, to purify the negative karma and obscurations of the mind, speech and body and to develop virtues.” Even in one weekend retreat it does a lot.
Every time that I read “four ways of turning the mind” when I get to, “When we obtain this body, which is easily lost, do not waste it meaninglessly but rather use it to attain the ultimate liberation – joyous result,” I have to think of my life and both the close calls I have had with death and the long time that it has taken for me to find my way to Tibetan Buddhism. Saturday morning, when I read, “Henceforth, practice Dharma by distinguishing between what should be practiced and what should be given up,” I recognized several things in my life in both categories. Sunday morning, as I read, “Death can descend anytime like a drop of morning dew on a blade of grass,” I thought of the accident I almost had that morning as I was hurrying to the Dharma Center. I even commented to a friend there that when you consider all my concerns about my cancer, I might not have lived long enough to survive it. Whether you are in perfect health and expect to live a long life or have a terminal illness and doctors have given you an anticipated life expectancy, none of us really know how long or short our life will really be.
I have only done this practice a total of five times in this lifetime. Nevertheless, several times during the weekend I knew what was on the next page before I turned it and once even started the mantra (which wasn't one that I had previously tried to learn) before I saw it. I have to wonder whether this is from a past life memory. Already I often experience the feeling that I should understand the meaning when we chant in Tibetan. Considering the fact that I have had fragmentary memories of a life as an Indian man from South India who became a monk in a Tibetan monastery, these feelings are not surprising.
We concluded the weekend with the “Auspicious Smoke Ceremony.” While on a practical level it is the best way to dispose of defective or damaged Dharma materials like texts and prayer flags, it is much more than this. It is described in the following manner,”The Auspicious Smoke Ceremony has been performed by Lamas and Rinpoches for thousands of years. This ceremony takes place outside and serves as an offering to all the Buddhas and Enlightened Ones. This practice repairs broken vows and purifies negative deeds. It additionally benefits the local environment from weather related negative circumstances. ” Reading the text is an invocation and petition for the aid and goodwill of many very powerful beings. Furthermore, the accompanying ritual supports the words we recite. Finally, who among us does not need to repair broken vows or purify negative deeds.
As with all of our other practices, we do the “Auspicious Smoke Ceremony,”not only for ourselves but for the benefit of all sentient beings, especially our neighbors. This seemed the perfect complement to the Vajrapani empowerment that we had on Friday night which was how my weekend began, even before the retreat started on Saturday. Concerning this, “Vajrapani is the Bodhisattva which represents the energy of all the Buddhas. His practice is an excellent way to burn away afflictive emotions and obscurations. This practice also protects the surrounding environment from the negative weather related circumstances we are all experiencing due to climate changes.”
This retreat and all these practices together with spending time with Venerable Lama Sonam seems the perfect preparation for the treatments that begin this week on Tuesday. It all adds to the inner resources with which I shall be strengthened to walk through this illness, its treatment, and the recovery from both the illness and the treatment. It is even helpful that I have been asked to make robes for three new Ngakmas who will be ordained Monday night. Through this I am able to support my Dharma Center more than my limited income would allow.
I am very much looking forward to the Ngakpa and Ngakmo ordinations as an opportunity to hear more commentary on our 14 samayas and to renew them myself. While I am not aware of any way that I have specifically broken any vows, I am sure that I have not kept them perfectly. I do have to acknowledge that I have not been perfect in my love for all being in my keeping of the words of Buddha. The repair of them and renewal of them that these four days allow form the final spiritual preparations for the course of treatment that is about to begin.
It will all strengthen me for the daily struggles. It will also help me keep in focus the truth that I am not doing this for myself alone. As we repeat so often, I am doing it also “for the benefit of all sentient beings.”
The retreat was divided into four sessions, two on each day. Each of these consisted of prayers (altruistic motivation, several forms of the refuge prayer and the seven limb prayer), “the four ways of turning the mind,” a period of meditation for each of the ways, chanting of several mantras, followed by the refuge prayer repeatedly as we do prostrations, then another period of meditation, followed by more mantra recitations and then the dedication prayers. This is a powerful practice which is described as an important method for the purification of negative deeds and the accumulation of merit.
At my age, the prostrations are significantly more difficult than when I was younger. The last time I did this practice, it was not part of a retreat but a weekly Dharma practice. At that time, although I could not keep up with my younger vajra brothers and sisters, I did not give up or stop before they did. This weekend, only in the last session did I accomplish that and then only by pausing often to pace myself rather than trying to do my prostrations at the same pace as everyone else. Fortunately, Venerable Lama Sonam doesn't expect all of us to do the same number of prostrations in the same amount of time. Rather he has suggested that those of us who have difficulty with them try to do 21 each day until we are able to do more. Previously the prospect of doing the 111,111 prostrations that are part of Ngondro practice was so out of reach that I didn't even try. This time, however long it may take, I will continue until I accomplish this. We often pray the Action Bodhicitta Prayer, “Thus, until I achieve enlightenment, I perform virtuous deeds with body, speech & mind. Until death, I perform virtuous deeds with body, speech & mind. From now until this time tomorrow, I perform virtuous deeds with body, speech and mind.“ Prostrations are part of the “body” portion of it.
“With body, speech and mind,” a phrase that is so powerful and it is so much of why I chose to become Tibetan Buddhist. To me it is a holistic form of spirituality which doesn't seem to neglect anything about us as human beings. It is built on Shakyamuni Buddha's scientific method. It has a method and program of action which, if it doesn't lead us to enlightenment in this lifetime, at least carries us in that direction. The practice of this weekend retreat is no exception. For me there were so many small realizations and so many moments of growth.
The introduction to the text says, “However, to practice the path of Mahamudra and the six yogas of Naropa one must be fully convinced of the 'four ways of turning the mind' or the four foundations. The four ways of turning the mind are the basis for the successful practice of any of the Yanas. Then one practices the four extraordinary foundations, or the Vajrayana Ngondro, to purify the negative karma and obscurations of the mind, speech and body and to develop virtues.” Even in one weekend retreat it does a lot.
Every time that I read “four ways of turning the mind” when I get to, “When we obtain this body, which is easily lost, do not waste it meaninglessly but rather use it to attain the ultimate liberation – joyous result,” I have to think of my life and both the close calls I have had with death and the long time that it has taken for me to find my way to Tibetan Buddhism. Saturday morning, when I read, “Henceforth, practice Dharma by distinguishing between what should be practiced and what should be given up,” I recognized several things in my life in both categories. Sunday morning, as I read, “Death can descend anytime like a drop of morning dew on a blade of grass,” I thought of the accident I almost had that morning as I was hurrying to the Dharma Center. I even commented to a friend there that when you consider all my concerns about my cancer, I might not have lived long enough to survive it. Whether you are in perfect health and expect to live a long life or have a terminal illness and doctors have given you an anticipated life expectancy, none of us really know how long or short our life will really be.
I have only done this practice a total of five times in this lifetime. Nevertheless, several times during the weekend I knew what was on the next page before I turned it and once even started the mantra (which wasn't one that I had previously tried to learn) before I saw it. I have to wonder whether this is from a past life memory. Already I often experience the feeling that I should understand the meaning when we chant in Tibetan. Considering the fact that I have had fragmentary memories of a life as an Indian man from South India who became a monk in a Tibetan monastery, these feelings are not surprising.
We concluded the weekend with the “Auspicious Smoke Ceremony.” While on a practical level it is the best way to dispose of defective or damaged Dharma materials like texts and prayer flags, it is much more than this. It is described in the following manner,”The Auspicious Smoke Ceremony has been performed by Lamas and Rinpoches for thousands of years. This ceremony takes place outside and serves as an offering to all the Buddhas and Enlightened Ones. This practice repairs broken vows and purifies negative deeds. It additionally benefits the local environment from weather related negative circumstances. ” Reading the text is an invocation and petition for the aid and goodwill of many very powerful beings. Furthermore, the accompanying ritual supports the words we recite. Finally, who among us does not need to repair broken vows or purify negative deeds.
As with all of our other practices, we do the “Auspicious Smoke Ceremony,”not only for ourselves but for the benefit of all sentient beings, especially our neighbors. This seemed the perfect complement to the Vajrapani empowerment that we had on Friday night which was how my weekend began, even before the retreat started on Saturday. Concerning this, “Vajrapani is the Bodhisattva which represents the energy of all the Buddhas. His practice is an excellent way to burn away afflictive emotions and obscurations. This practice also protects the surrounding environment from the negative weather related circumstances we are all experiencing due to climate changes.”
This retreat and all these practices together with spending time with Venerable Lama Sonam seems the perfect preparation for the treatments that begin this week on Tuesday. It all adds to the inner resources with which I shall be strengthened to walk through this illness, its treatment, and the recovery from both the illness and the treatment. It is even helpful that I have been asked to make robes for three new Ngakmas who will be ordained Monday night. Through this I am able to support my Dharma Center more than my limited income would allow.
I am very much looking forward to the Ngakpa and Ngakmo ordinations as an opportunity to hear more commentary on our 14 samayas and to renew them myself. While I am not aware of any way that I have specifically broken any vows, I am sure that I have not kept them perfectly. I do have to acknowledge that I have not been perfect in my love for all being in my keeping of the words of Buddha. The repair of them and renewal of them that these four days allow form the final spiritual preparations for the course of treatment that is about to begin.
It will all strengthen me for the daily struggles. It will also help me keep in focus the truth that I am not doing this for myself alone. As we repeat so often, I am doing it also “for the benefit of all sentient beings.”
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