Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 12 – The Loss of a Friend

Yesterday, my cat died. We had been together through some very trying times, Mom's decline and death from Alzheimer's disease and my own recent diagnosis of cancer. However, when her liver failed, I could not save her.
She had quit eating and drinking, losing weight from her thin frame and becoming seriously dehydrated. I took her to the vet yesterday, but he gave her a poor prognosis. She would need a very intensive and expensive treatment and still would have little chance of recovery. As it was, the bill for the office visit and tests was around $180 which I can ill afford at this time. Furthermore, the treatment would have likely been beyond my ability to deliver since I may soon be at the point of being barely able to take care of myself. Even at that, after enduring such a difficult treatment she had so little chance of getting better.
Not only did I lack both the financial and physical means to provide that kind of care, but I also could not bear for her to undergo more suffering to no purpose. Governed by emotions and cultural bias, I decided to have her euthanized. I now wonder whether that was the right decision, because it violates the precept of no killing. Our culture and our society give us only the two choices, full medical care or euthanasia, for our animals. However, I believe that as a Buddhist I should have chosen a third alternative, palliative care. I could have brought her home and treated her to relieve her suffering and let her die both comfortably and naturally here. The fees for euthanasia and “disposal” should have been sufficient to cover that kind of medicine. Furthermore, after her death rather than being “disposed of,' she could have been buried here where her bones would have joined those of all the pets who enriched our lives growing up here.
Unfortunately, I cannot undo what I have done, but I can decide to do better the next time such a choice must be made. Furthermore, I can console myself that I spent my last minutes with Ancyra chanting the Chenrezig mantra and the Amitabha mantra and wishing her a peaceful passing and a better rebirth. However, after participating in and even leading “Liberating Animals from the Danger of Death,” I believe I could have done better by her.
In further consolation, particularly for my loss, the vet has offered that when I complete my treatments, he will give me a kitten with all its shots and either neutered or spayed for free. I do plan on accepting that offer. I already feel more alone without a cat or dog in my life.
This may seem like a small thing, but for me it is a significant part of my new way of life as a committed Buddhist. As a consequence of praying “for the benefit of all sentient beings,” I should have a different relationship to those “sentient beings.” I am just learning what that new relationship should be.
Tonight at the Dharma Center I found out that Venerable Lama Sonam covered this very issue in his teachings on the Bardo that he gave at Katsel Dharma Garden in Clearwater. Had I been able to attend this teaching, I would have already known that I should have let her have a natural death, but I have learned this the hard way. Furthermore, I would have been given tools to apply in such a circumstance which would have helped me cope with it and to do the best for Ancyra for her future.