Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 13 – The Love of a Community

Weeks ago when I attended Florida Pagan Gathering, I experienced the love of many people whom I knew there. However, they were just a minority of the more than 600 people in attendance. On the other hand, at the Yule celebration that I attended at All World Acres this weekend I was enveloped in the love of the Pagan community there. Some already knew about my cancer treatment and others only found out this weekend. Nevertheless, almost everyone expressed love and support for me in this journey. Some of them I have not known for very long at all.
On Sunday afternoon. in addition to such expressions of support there were two alternative therapy modalities from which I benefited: crystal bowl meditation and energy healing. I even got accupressure pointers to manage my radiation treatment side effects, particularly inflamed hemorrhoids and fatigue. One of the participating energy workers came with her husband specifically to work on me. Not only did she utilize her skills and training, but she also had valuable advice from her own experience with radiation therapy. For this weekend, this was the culmination of a bigger and very beautiful experience.
On Friday, troubled by both fatigue and diarrhea, not only was I not able to pitch my tent in the afternoon to camp out for the weekend, but also I wasn't able to tend the fire for the sweat lodge that night or even attend it. However, the next day, Saturday, friends were asking my sister when I would be getting there. When I did arrive, I felt surrounded by their love.
I must confess that I found it especially heartening that a particular lady was asking about me. This is a lady toward whom I felt a strong attraction the first time I met her. The attraction is more than just physical, although it is that. I find the person that she is attractive to me, her Dianic witchy traditions, her intelligence, and her wicked sense of humor. Even if I can't see any way for a relationship to develop, she is one of the ladies that makes me question whether I should return to a monastic life with its celibacy. Admittedly, although I have both informally and very formally and even ritually renounced my monastic vows from my days as a Russian Orthodox monk, I remain, in practical terms, just as celibate as ever, in fact, not even romantically kissed.
I guess I still have to ask this question, lest I make the same kind of mistake that I did as an aftermath of a horrific nightmare of a marriage. On the other hand, I'm not sure whether I have the requisite social skills, no matter how common or simple, to begin or sustain a romantic relationship. I refuse, as a matter of principle, to “play games.” However, I have been told by men who are notably popular with the ladies that it is both essential and expected to do just that. Nevertheless, I sincerely doubt that a lasting relationship can be built that way. Furthermore, my conscience would be profoundly disturbed by any such deception.
I have had a psychic, whose reading of my past and present (at that time) and some predictions have proven particularly accurate, tell me that I have a “soul-mate” whom I have yet to meet. I am not sure whether I should accept this or regard it as a deception, even if unintended. Furthermore, when I can't distinguish at my age between mere flirting and genuine interest except through a third party's report, how can any relationship have the chance to start. Moreover, at my age, without the experience of any genuine romantic relationship even once, why should I even expect it at this late date.
Regardless of such questions, I am absolutely certain of the following things: I am to follow the Tibetan Buddhist path; I acted correctly in “taking refuge” when and where I did; I also quite correctly chose Ngakpa ordination precisely when I did; and I also made no mistake in trusting Venerable Lama Sonam to guide me on this spiritual path. Two experiences during this weekend, neither of which are new to me, are supportive of these decisions. In the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, Sogyal Rinpoche writes, “Despite this massive and nearly all-pervasive denial of its existence, we still sometimes have fleeting glimpses of the nature of mind.” I believe that the altered state that I sometimes enter when drumming or when the crystal bowls are played has given me such a glimpse.
I had not realized that until this weekend. However, my current reading may have attuned me to recognize it no matter how brief and unstable it has been. Nevertheless, such glimpses serve to convince me that there really is a “Buddha-nature” in all of us, and further, to motivate me to keep on the path provided by Tibetan Buddhism and to keep returning to my practice in spite of my lazy and undisciplined habits. A realization like this encourages me that if I do indeed follow through with becoming a monk, there may yet be enough time in what remains of this lifetime for me to attain enlightenment for the benefit of myself and all sentient beings, either in life or in the Bardo.
Compared to that, what is a romantic relationship, no matter how desirable? Like all other things about our lives, it is impermanent and ultimately not the source of lasting happiness. Perhaps, despite my lack of such a relationship in this lifetime, I have already had enough of that in my many previous lifetimes. Now, I again have a precious human life in which to seek enlightenment. Shall I use what is left of it on anything less?
If this new reminder of my own mortality has refocused my priorities properly, and if this time I keep to the path toward enlightenment, and if the duration and intensity of my experience of this “Journey through Cancer” keeps me from accepting anything less than true liberation, then it is of infinite and ultimate importance. Finally, its value is not only for me, but also for all sentient beings.