Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 15 – The Retreat That Wasn't – A Sequel

Saturday I planned to attend a “Sobriety Sweat” sweat lodge ceremony. In order to be able to do this I focused on resting today. However, by the time I had to decide to get on the road to the lodge, it was clear that I did not have the energy for it. Nevertheless, after supper and watching TV with my sister, when I got home, based on what I managed to accomplish Friday night, I decided to see what practice I could do in just the hours that remained of this one night.
Again I first did my “Daily Offerings,” both general and for Dzambhala. After that I did the “altruistic motivation,” “refuge prayers,” and “seven limb prayer” from the KDC prayer book. In preparation for the rest of what I was doing, I did the brief Vajrasattva practice from the same book. Then I did the Achi Chökyi Drölma tea offering with tea from my own mug. I followed this with a Dzambhala water offering. However, I went on to Medicine Buddha, White Tara, and Amitayus Long-life practice with their sadhanas. I followed this with the Short Chenrezig practice from the KDC prayer book. Since I was going from one to another, I did not repeat the preliminary prayers, but jumped into the heart of the sadhana. Likewise, since this was a continuous practice, I did the dedications and long life prayers only once when I was finished.
There is nothing particularly commendable in this, because it is far less than I should be doing on a daily basis. Furthermore, this did not include any prostrations or Ngondro practice. However, I did realize some very important things from what I did manage to do.
It is clear to me that I should be doing this and more every day, not just on special occasions! Furthermore, I have so many things to learn. I may already know about the Four Noble Truths and the Noble Eightfold Path, but what are the “ten directions,” the “three trainings,” or the “four wheels of practice.” At the same time, I realize that I have too little time left in this lifetime to devote too much of it to academic study. Beyond the study of the fundamentals which are essential, it is most important what I can put into action.
I really do not anticipate being a teacher but rather a simple monk who puts into practice the things I am being taught by my root lama and other elder monks. If I am to be of any benefit to myself and to others, I can't wait until I am ordained a monk, but must begin now. I already have taken on the commitments of my Ngakpa ordination. That requires of me both a more active practice and a more active service for others. Furthermore, I am more convinced than ever that I am to be a Tibetan Buddhist monk. However, this does not mean that I am to wait until I am ordained to live the life of a monk. Rather, I must begin to live as a monk now, not dressing differently, but living differently.
First, I should cease to entertain the notion of a romantic relationship. That has not developed even once in all these years and is most unlikely at this late date. Second, I need to resume the “liquidation of my own estate” with a thought to whether each thing has a place in a monastery. This is about transforming my home into my monastic residence. Third and most importantly, I need to begin to develop my life as a monk here and now.
Of course, I realize that I don't have the full structure of a monastery and that Buddhist monasticism is not based on the solitary monk, but I can do some things nonetheless. First is to place proper importance on my daily practice, the offerings, the prayers, the mantra recitations, and the meditation. Second, I can trim away any activities that either do not contribute to those practices or are not necessitated by my current living arrangements or health issues. Third, I must avail myself of every opportunity for essential teachings that are accessible to me here.
I don't expect this to be easy. First, the present circumstances of my “Journey through Cancer” prevents me from simply going to one of our monastic centers right now. Second, the same cancer complicates doing as much as I might like to be able to do and requires me to constantly question whether is is genuinely fatigue or simply laziness that keeps me from doing what I ought. Finally, as I have already experienced in Christian monasticism, the monastery is not the heaven of bliss and sweet peace but rather the place of struggle with passions and inner conflicts. However, in a solitary life I will have many of the same struggles, but without the aid of a community close at hand to help me in my transformation.
I fully believe and I am thoroughly convinced that my ordination as a monk will not actually be the beginning of something new, but rather the outward recognition and affirmation of what already exists. I will already be on the inside what I am made on the outside. This may not be the way others come to Tibetan Buddhist monasticism, but it seems to be the way I am destined to get there.