Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 15 – The Retreat That Wasn't

Given Friday after Christmas off from my daily routine of radiation treatments by Presidential decree, I thought that it might make a good day to turn into a private retreat. Since it is also the New Moon, it is a particularly auspicious day for spiritual practice. I planned to do a “Liberation of Animals from the Danger of Death” as well as Dzambhala water offering and an Achi tea offering. In addition, I would do whatever other practice I could include. My plan was that I would start as early as possible with “Daily Offerings.” However, my fatigue got the better of me.
I slept way too late, only getting up after several naps. By this time I had gotten together things for the offerings, but it was time for supper. However, after supper, I decided to recover whatever I could of the original plan for the day. I had no animals to liberate, because I couldn't afford them today. Nevertheless, I could still do the water offering and tea offering.
First I did my “Daily Offerings,” both general and for Dzambhala. After that I did the “altruistic motivation,” “refuge prayers,” and “seven limb prayer” from the KDC prayer book. In preparation for the rest of what I was doing, I did the brief Vajrasattva practice from the same book. Then I did the Achi Chökyi Drölma tea offering with tea from my own mug. I followed this with a Dzambhala water offering. I concluded with dedications and long life prayers. In these I have to think of Venerable Lama Sonam as well as my friend Liz and Alejandro and his relative who has cancer.
While this was not the “retreat” that I had planned, it was more than I do on a consistent basis. Perhaps, since I managed to do this in spite of such a late start, this could now become my fundamental daily practice to which I can add elements for which I have received empowerments. I see this as a matter of growth rather than perfection. Since I don't live in a monastery, I can't expect always to be able to do what might be simple there. Furthermore, I am still fairly new to this practice in this lifetime and experience in a previous lifetime doesn't seem to carry over into this one.
With a Full Moon coming up on January 10th, I may try again to make a private retreat like I planned for this New Moon. At least it would again be an auspicious day for spiritual practice. Perhaps I can also do a “Liberation of Animals from the Danger of Death” as well as replace my worn prayer flags with the new ones that I have already gotten. At the very least the attempt at making the day a retreat has advanced my practice and may be an element of good experience for my future.'
In my Christian monastic life, I was not able to stay shut away in the monastery, but rather had to live outside the cloistered life. Perhaps it is like “bear spirit,” balancing hibernation in the Winter with activity in the Spring and Summer. If, as I presently intend, I eventually become a Tibetan Buddhist monk, I may not be able to live the cloistered life either. In any case, I am sure that I have to build up from the kind of weekend retreats that we have at our Dharma Center to a short solitary retreat and eventually to a longer solitary retreat. Everything in its time and under the guidance of my Lama.
At the very least, I have spent the day in a worthwhile manner. Furthermore, short of turning off my phone, in my present circumstances I need to be available to others. Even though I am the most beginning of beginners, I still must be of service to others in whatever way I am able. I feel that I took on a certain responsibility to other sentient beings and to the Dharma when I took Ngakpa ordination. I take it seriously in the manner of the preliminary steps on a longer journey. Just like my “Journey through Cancer,” it is not for myself alone.