This weekend I completed my first Tibetan Buddhist retreat since taking refuge and being ordained Ngakpa. Quite appropriately it was what is sometimes called a “Refuge Retreat.” It consisted of teaching on the importance of Ngondro, an explanation of the Refuge portion of Ngondro, followed by the Ngondro Retreat.
The retreat was divided into four sessions, two on each day. Each of these consisted of prayers (altruistic motivation, several forms of the refuge prayer and the seven limb prayer), “the four ways of turning the mind,” a period of meditation for each of the ways, chanting of several mantras, followed by the refuge prayer repeatedly as we do prostrations, then another period of meditation, followed by more mantra recitations and then the dedication prayers. This is a powerful practice which is described as an important method for the purification of negative deeds and the accumulation of merit.
At my age, the prostrations are significantly more difficult than when I was younger. The last time I did this practice, it was not part of a retreat but a weekly Dharma practice. At that time, although I could not keep up with my younger vajra brothers and sisters, I did not give up or stop before they did. This weekend, only in the last session did I accomplish that and then only by pausing often to pace myself rather than trying to do my prostrations at the same pace as everyone else. Fortunately, Venerable Lama Sonam doesn't expect all of us to do the same number of prostrations in the same amount of time. Rather he has suggested that those of us who have difficulty with them try to do 21 each day until we are able to do more. Previously the prospect of doing the 111,111 prostrations that are part of Ngondro practice was so out of reach that I didn't even try. This time, however long it may take, I will continue until I accomplish this. We often pray the Action Bodhicitta Prayer, “Thus, until I achieve enlightenment, I perform virtuous deeds with body, speech & mind. Until death, I perform virtuous deeds with body, speech & mind. From now until this time tomorrow, I perform virtuous deeds with body, speech and mind.“ Prostrations are part of the “body” portion of it.
“With body, speech and mind,” a phrase that is so powerful and it is so much of why I chose to become Tibetan Buddhist. To me it is a holistic form of spirituality which doesn't seem to neglect anything about us as human beings. It is built on Shakyamuni Buddha's scientific method. It has a method and program of action which, if it doesn't lead us to enlightenment in this lifetime, at least carries us in that direction. The practice of this weekend retreat is no exception. For me there were so many small realizations and so many moments of growth.
The introduction to the text says, “However, to practice the path of Mahamudra and the six yogas of Naropa one must be fully convinced of the 'four ways of turning the mind' or the four foundations. The four ways of turning the mind are the basis for the successful practice of any of the Yanas. Then one practices the four extraordinary foundations, or the Vajrayana Ngondro, to purify the negative karma and obscurations of the mind, speech and body and to develop virtues.” Even in one weekend retreat it does a lot.
Every time that I read “four ways of turning the mind” when I get to, “When we obtain this body, which is easily lost, do not waste it meaninglessly but rather use it to attain the ultimate liberation – joyous result,” I have to think of my life and both the close calls I have had with death and the long time that it has taken for me to find my way to Tibetan Buddhism. Saturday morning, when I read, “Henceforth, practice Dharma by distinguishing between what should be practiced and what should be given up,” I recognized several things in my life in both categories. Sunday morning, as I read, “Death can descend anytime like a drop of morning dew on a blade of grass,” I thought of the accident I almost had that morning as I was hurrying to the Dharma Center. I even commented to a friend there that when you consider all my concerns about my cancer, I might not have lived long enough to survive it. Whether you are in perfect health and expect to live a long life or have a terminal illness and doctors have given you an anticipated life expectancy, none of us really know how long or short our life will really be.
I have only done this practice a total of five times in this lifetime. Nevertheless, several times during the weekend I knew what was on the next page before I turned it and once even started the mantra (which wasn't one that I had previously tried to learn) before I saw it. I have to wonder whether this is from a past life memory. Already I often experience the feeling that I should understand the meaning when we chant in Tibetan. Considering the fact that I have had fragmentary memories of a life as an Indian man from South India who became a monk in a Tibetan monastery, these feelings are not surprising.
We concluded the weekend with the “Auspicious Smoke Ceremony.” While on a practical level it is the best way to dispose of defective or damaged Dharma materials like texts and prayer flags, it is much more than this. It is described in the following manner,”The Auspicious Smoke Ceremony has been performed by Lamas and Rinpoches for thousands of years. This ceremony takes place outside and serves as an offering to all the Buddhas and Enlightened Ones. This practice repairs broken vows and purifies negative deeds. It additionally benefits the local environment from weather related negative circumstances. ” Reading the text is an invocation and petition for the aid and goodwill of many very powerful beings. Furthermore, the accompanying ritual supports the words we recite. Finally, who among us does not need to repair broken vows or purify negative deeds.
As with all of our other practices, we do the “Auspicious Smoke Ceremony,”not only for ourselves but for the benefit of all sentient beings, especially our neighbors. This seemed the perfect complement to the Vajrapani empowerment that we had on Friday night which was how my weekend began, even before the retreat started on Saturday. Concerning this, “Vajrapani is the Bodhisattva which represents the energy of all the Buddhas. His practice is an excellent way to burn away afflictive emotions and obscurations. This practice also protects the surrounding environment from the negative weather related circumstances we are all experiencing due to climate changes.”
This retreat and all these practices together with spending time with Venerable Lama Sonam seems the perfect preparation for the treatments that begin this week on Tuesday. It all adds to the inner resources with which I shall be strengthened to walk through this illness, its treatment, and the recovery from both the illness and the treatment. It is even helpful that I have been asked to make robes for three new Ngakmas who will be ordained Monday night. Through this I am able to support my Dharma Center more than my limited income would allow.
I am very much looking forward to the Ngakpa and Ngakmo ordinations as an opportunity to hear more commentary on our 14 samayas and to renew them myself. While I am not aware of any way that I have specifically broken any vows, I am sure that I have not kept them perfectly. I do have to acknowledge that I have not been perfect in my love for all being in my keeping of the words of Buddha. The repair of them and renewal of them that these four days allow form the final spiritual preparations for the course of treatment that is about to begin.
It will all strengthen me for the daily struggles. It will also help me keep in focus the truth that I am not doing this for myself alone. As we repeat so often, I am doing it also “for the benefit of all sentient beings.”
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