Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 17 – Dharma in Action

In Buddhism the three foundation practices are dâna (giving), sîla (morality), bhâvana (meditation). Furthermore, a cornerstone of Tibetan Buddhism in particular is its emphasis on loving-kindness as an essential prerequisite to enlightenment. Tuesday, I was the focus of loving-kindness, the recipient of dâna (giving).
One of my vajra brothers from our Dharma center drove me to my radiation therapy appointment. This in itself was a great kindness. With the great degree of fatigue that I have been experiencing, it is a very great relief to have someone else drive.
This is also the day of the week when the appointment runs the longest because they take X-rays before the actual radiation and I have to see the doctor before leaving. Adding to the time today particularly, I had to get a prescription for side effects processed in addition to the usual administrative matters. Through it all, my vajra brother demonstrated great patience. Furthermore, he was not overwhelmed by the whole environment of such an immense facility as this VA Hospital.
After this was all finished, we went to Kalieshia Tea Lounge for my usual after-treatment treat of Hot Spicy Chai for which he insisted on paying. Not only that, he took me to lunch at a Thai restaurant where I had Pad Thai which was delicious although the side effects of my treatments kept me from finishing it. To my friend's credit, his great generosity of spirit kept me from feeling uncomfortable taking half my meal home in a “take-out” container. I have to confess that this made an excellent snack later. These “snacks” or more accurately “mini-meals” are necessary to maintain my nutrition and keep my weight stable when I am faced with nausea if I eat to much in a single meal.
My vajra brother had the opportunity to practice generosity, tolerance and loving-kindness. I, on the other hand, got the chance to avoid letting ego dominate or letting arrogance masquerade as self-sufficiency. If I were becoming a monk in one of the countries of Asia where Buddhism is common such as Thailand, I would daily make the alms-round, being totally dependent on the lay community for my daily sustenance. This creates conditions which are essential for the spiritual well being of a Buddhist monk. Indeed this is another dimension of benefiting not only myself but all sentient beings.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 16 – Tong Ren Guinea Pig Class – The First Session

Back on October, in response to my blog postings about my cancer, my lama passed my contact information to a practitioner of Tong Ren who gave me information and links to read more about this particular energy healing modality. I read the online information and looked for a time to participate in one of their distance healing sessions. Sunday afternoon, I had my first session of Tong Ren therapy as part of the “Guinea Pig Class” for cancer. I connected to their chat broadcast briefly giving my diagnosis and current treatment.

Tog Ren is described on the site www.tomtam.com:

“Tong Ren Definition
“Developed by Tom Tam, and an integral part of the Tom Tam Healing System, Tong Ren is a form of energy therapy for restoring health and vitality. Tong Ren is based on a belief that disease is related to interruptions, or blockages, in the body's natural flow of chi, neural bioelectricity, blood, or hormones. Tong Ren seeks to remove these blockages, restoring the body's natural ability to heal itself, even when illnesses are chronic, debilitating, or otherwise untreatable.
“Tong Ren combines western knowledge of anatomy and physiology with the ancient principle of "chi," or life force energy, to create what many consider to be a powerful new healing modality. Drawing on the Jungian theory of the "collective unconscious," Tong Ren is believed to access energy from this universal source and direct it to the patient. Because no physical contact is involved or necessary, Tong Ren is often practiced as distance healing.
“In a typical therapy session, the Tong Ren practitioner uses a small human anatomical model as an energetic representation of the patient, tapping on targeted points on the model with a lightweight magnetic hammer. The practitioner directs chi to blockage points corresponding to the patient's condition, breaking down resistance at these points. As blood flow, neural transmission, and hormone reception are restored, the body is then able to heal.

“History of Tong Ren
“Tong in Chinese means bronze; Ren means man or human. Tong Ren can be translated as 'bronze man'. In the Sung Dynasty (1023 AD), Emperor Ren Zhong Sung summoned the highest medical faculty of the Empire to write up the "New Bronze Man's Points of Acupuncture Diagram and Note". Dr. Wang Wei-yi was responsible for designing the acupuncture bronze man (human figure made by bronze). In 1027 AD, two identical bronze men were made, which were named Tong Ren (meaning "bronze man" in Chinese). Tong Ren Healing is an important component of the Tom Tam healing system. To commemorate the Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) pioneers for their invaluable contribution to the world on the medical front, "Tong Ren Healing", an energy healing system developed by Tam was named after the acupuncture figure created by the TCM forerunners.

“Tong Ren Technique
“Tong Ren healing is becoming increasingly popular and widespread. Worldwide, and on a daily basis, people with serious illnesses are treated by Tong Ren therapists. Countless patients benefit from and are healed by Tong Ren Therapy. Each Tong Ren therapist has his/her own way of healing people. The effectiveness of the healing is high, and the cost is low. Tong Ren Therapy is extremely easy to learn. Basically there are three major techniques – with (1) the hammer, (2) laser beam, and (3) pins. Discing technique is the latest technique developed and applied in Tong Ren practices.

“Magnetic Hammer
“The magnetic hammer technique is one way of stimulating blockage points on the doll related to the patient's illness. This method is super easy for anyone to learn and practice; it does not require any serious training or experience. I always say, “Monkey see, monkey do”. The hammer technique is the major method used in Tong Ren Guinea Gig Classes for group healing. The points for hammer hitting vary with individual cases.
“With the hammer technique, the first step is to locate the points on the doll. The beginner can follow the healing chart in our text book “A Lazy Bum’s Healing”, then write down the main points and support points on paper, or mark the points on the doll. On the healing chart, the main points indicate where the energy is blocked and where the root of the problem is. The support points enhance the effectiveness of the healing and are not mandatory, whereas the main points are.
“When we press on a patient’s body following the main points from the chart, the patient will usually experience an uncomfortable or painful feeling at these points. In TCM theory these are called the Ouch Points. We need to pay attention to any Ouch Point, or any area where pain is felt. Pain is a signal from the body, which indicates that there is an imbalance or where the Chi is static. For example, when one has liver cancer, we shall find an Ouch Point at T9 on the right hand side. When a patient has breast cancer, we can easily find an Ouch Point at T4, on the same side as the tumor. Based on many years of practice and experience, I have observed that when a person is diagnosed with a specific condition or disease, they will have an Ouch Point, which corresponds to a certain designated root problem. “However, please be careful not to mislead a patient by making a diagnosis according to an Ouch Point. A blockage can sometimes mean just a tight muscle - nothing more, nothing less. Making a diagnosis is the job of medical doctors using specific medical equipment and/or tests. In our healing, we only follow the doctor's diagnosis to find the blockage or reflex points. We never make any diagnosis of a patient's condition.
“When we use the hammer technique on the doll for healing, the general order of stimulation is from the top to the bottom, like the natural flow of water. However, when we stimulate the Sky Window area where both the common carotid and vertebral arteries are found, the order of hitting should be from the bottom to the top. This is different from when we are working on the nervous system, because the arteries carry blood upward from the heart to the brain. When we are done with all the points with the hammer technique, we should hit the doll from the top of the head to the bottom of the feet. This allows for the clearing of the Chi in the whole body before we finish the healing session.
“While treating cancer, we should begin by using the hammer on the head of the doll at GV22 and BL6 on both sides. After a couple of minutes, proceed to CR8's which are not on the doll. The two CR8 points are where the ears are. Do this for another couple of minutes, then move on to the points related to the specific cancer(s). When treating multiple cancers, we always start with the primary cancer, even though there may not be any symptoms.
“Tong Ren Therapy is based on the power of our mind creating energy for healing. The source of this energy is from the collective unconscious, which is connected to the super conscious. When we practice Tong Ren, the focusing of our mind comes from our subconscious and unconscious - which means, “Just do it”. If we make a conscious effort to focus, the focusing comes from our conscious mind, not from the unconscious mind. No one can consciously access one’s unconscious mind. The unconscious mind is instinctive and cannot be controlled. Functions of the unconscious mind are automatic reactions. This use of the mind with the hammer technique facilitates the breaking down of blockages, which can then let energy pass within the body freely. With Tong Ren healing, we do not need to think or focus on the breaking down of the blockages, because the thought has already been stored as memory in our subconscious mind.
“Using the hammer technique, we hit points on the doll for about 10 to 15 minutes. As a rule this is enough. Patients can hit the doll for self-healing, but the best way is to ask someone else to do it because in this way the patient can be totally relaxed in order to receive the healing energy. A child’s mind is purer than an adult’s and without resistance. That is why children are more effective when using the hammer technique than most adults. With late stage cancer, daily use of Tong Ren healing is required. With cancer at an early stage, we can use Tong Ren two or three times a week. If the patient wants to do it or have it done on him/her more often, it is all right to do so because there are no side effects with Tong Ren healing. The more you do it, the more you benefit from it.
“When we see points on the spine from the Lazy Bum book, e.g. C1, T1, L1, S1, we hit the doll on both side of the points. If C1 Right is specified, for example, then we hit only the right side of C1.”

The practitioner in my “Guinea Pig Class” took each diagnosis in turn and tapped with her little hammer on the appropriate points on the figure. When she was “tapping” for me, I felt tingling in my hands and warmth in my abdomen. Of course, this could be passed off as the result of the power of suggestion except for a striking experience during the session. While she was “tapping” for others, I had to go to the bathroom to urinate. My latest side effect from my treatments is that I had begun to feel pain at the conclusion of urinating. However, this particular time it was reduced to mere discomfort. This was an unexpected, but, for me, clearcut benefit from the session. I plan to block off that time every Sunday afternoon until I feel that I no longer need it.
This accords well with my own experience as a Reiki practitioner and a recipient of Reiki as well as other energy healing modalities such as Quantum Touch.
I see this as just one more part of my overall treatment program, not least of which is my spiritual practice. I strive to maintain the essential elements of my daily practice and add what I can to it. I am trying to keep better track of my mantra recitations to be able to add them to mantra accumulations to benefit others.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 15 – The Retreat That Wasn't – A Sequel

Saturday I planned to attend a “Sobriety Sweat” sweat lodge ceremony. In order to be able to do this I focused on resting today. However, by the time I had to decide to get on the road to the lodge, it was clear that I did not have the energy for it. Nevertheless, after supper and watching TV with my sister, when I got home, based on what I managed to accomplish Friday night, I decided to see what practice I could do in just the hours that remained of this one night.
Again I first did my “Daily Offerings,” both general and for Dzambhala. After that I did the “altruistic motivation,” “refuge prayers,” and “seven limb prayer” from the KDC prayer book. In preparation for the rest of what I was doing, I did the brief Vajrasattva practice from the same book. Then I did the Achi Chökyi Drölma tea offering with tea from my own mug. I followed this with a Dzambhala water offering. However, I went on to Medicine Buddha, White Tara, and Amitayus Long-life practice with their sadhanas. I followed this with the Short Chenrezig practice from the KDC prayer book. Since I was going from one to another, I did not repeat the preliminary prayers, but jumped into the heart of the sadhana. Likewise, since this was a continuous practice, I did the dedications and long life prayers only once when I was finished.
There is nothing particularly commendable in this, because it is far less than I should be doing on a daily basis. Furthermore, this did not include any prostrations or Ngondro practice. However, I did realize some very important things from what I did manage to do.
It is clear to me that I should be doing this and more every day, not just on special occasions! Furthermore, I have so many things to learn. I may already know about the Four Noble Truths and the Noble Eightfold Path, but what are the “ten directions,” the “three trainings,” or the “four wheels of practice.” At the same time, I realize that I have too little time left in this lifetime to devote too much of it to academic study. Beyond the study of the fundamentals which are essential, it is most important what I can put into action.
I really do not anticipate being a teacher but rather a simple monk who puts into practice the things I am being taught by my root lama and other elder monks. If I am to be of any benefit to myself and to others, I can't wait until I am ordained a monk, but must begin now. I already have taken on the commitments of my Ngakpa ordination. That requires of me both a more active practice and a more active service for others. Furthermore, I am more convinced than ever that I am to be a Tibetan Buddhist monk. However, this does not mean that I am to wait until I am ordained to live the life of a monk. Rather, I must begin to live as a monk now, not dressing differently, but living differently.
First, I should cease to entertain the notion of a romantic relationship. That has not developed even once in all these years and is most unlikely at this late date. Second, I need to resume the “liquidation of my own estate” with a thought to whether each thing has a place in a monastery. This is about transforming my home into my monastic residence. Third and most importantly, I need to begin to develop my life as a monk here and now.
Of course, I realize that I don't have the full structure of a monastery and that Buddhist monasticism is not based on the solitary monk, but I can do some things nonetheless. First is to place proper importance on my daily practice, the offerings, the prayers, the mantra recitations, and the meditation. Second, I can trim away any activities that either do not contribute to those practices or are not necessitated by my current living arrangements or health issues. Third, I must avail myself of every opportunity for essential teachings that are accessible to me here.
I don't expect this to be easy. First, the present circumstances of my “Journey through Cancer” prevents me from simply going to one of our monastic centers right now. Second, the same cancer complicates doing as much as I might like to be able to do and requires me to constantly question whether is is genuinely fatigue or simply laziness that keeps me from doing what I ought. Finally, as I have already experienced in Christian monasticism, the monastery is not the heaven of bliss and sweet peace but rather the place of struggle with passions and inner conflicts. However, in a solitary life I will have many of the same struggles, but without the aid of a community close at hand to help me in my transformation.
I fully believe and I am thoroughly convinced that my ordination as a monk will not actually be the beginning of something new, but rather the outward recognition and affirmation of what already exists. I will already be on the inside what I am made on the outside. This may not be the way others come to Tibetan Buddhist monasticism, but it seems to be the way I am destined to get there.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 15 – The Retreat That Wasn't

Given Friday after Christmas off from my daily routine of radiation treatments by Presidential decree, I thought that it might make a good day to turn into a private retreat. Since it is also the New Moon, it is a particularly auspicious day for spiritual practice. I planned to do a “Liberation of Animals from the Danger of Death” as well as Dzambhala water offering and an Achi tea offering. In addition, I would do whatever other practice I could include. My plan was that I would start as early as possible with “Daily Offerings.” However, my fatigue got the better of me.
I slept way too late, only getting up after several naps. By this time I had gotten together things for the offerings, but it was time for supper. However, after supper, I decided to recover whatever I could of the original plan for the day. I had no animals to liberate, because I couldn't afford them today. Nevertheless, I could still do the water offering and tea offering.
First I did my “Daily Offerings,” both general and for Dzambhala. After that I did the “altruistic motivation,” “refuge prayers,” and “seven limb prayer” from the KDC prayer book. In preparation for the rest of what I was doing, I did the brief Vajrasattva practice from the same book. Then I did the Achi Chökyi Drölma tea offering with tea from my own mug. I followed this with a Dzambhala water offering. I concluded with dedications and long life prayers. In these I have to think of Venerable Lama Sonam as well as my friend Liz and Alejandro and his relative who has cancer.
While this was not the “retreat” that I had planned, it was more than I do on a consistent basis. Perhaps, since I managed to do this in spite of such a late start, this could now become my fundamental daily practice to which I can add elements for which I have received empowerments. I see this as a matter of growth rather than perfection. Since I don't live in a monastery, I can't expect always to be able to do what might be simple there. Furthermore, I am still fairly new to this practice in this lifetime and experience in a previous lifetime doesn't seem to carry over into this one.
With a Full Moon coming up on January 10th, I may try again to make a private retreat like I planned for this New Moon. At least it would again be an auspicious day for spiritual practice. Perhaps I can also do a “Liberation of Animals from the Danger of Death” as well as replace my worn prayer flags with the new ones that I have already gotten. At the very least the attempt at making the day a retreat has advanced my practice and may be an element of good experience for my future.'
In my Christian monastic life, I was not able to stay shut away in the monastery, but rather had to live outside the cloistered life. Perhaps it is like “bear spirit,” balancing hibernation in the Winter with activity in the Spring and Summer. If, as I presently intend, I eventually become a Tibetan Buddhist monk, I may not be able to live the cloistered life either. In any case, I am sure that I have to build up from the kind of weekend retreats that we have at our Dharma Center to a short solitary retreat and eventually to a longer solitary retreat. Everything in its time and under the guidance of my Lama.
At the very least, I have spent the day in a worthwhile manner. Furthermore, short of turning off my phone, in my present circumstances I need to be available to others. Even though I am the most beginning of beginners, I still must be of service to others in whatever way I am able. I feel that I took on a certain responsibility to other sentient beings and to the Dharma when I took Ngakpa ordination. I take it seriously in the manner of the preliminary steps on a longer journey. Just like my “Journey through Cancer,” it is not for myself alone.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 14 – Unexpected Turns – More about Ritual

When I was growing up, we were poor by most standards. While we might be able to decorate for Christmas inside the house a little, albeit one year with a tree that was two limbs from a neighbor's cedar tree tied together, we could never afford to have outside decorations. Nevertheless, we did enjoy looking at Christmas decorations especially at Black's Department Store in downtown Plant City. Although the owners were Jewish, they created the most beautiful displays for Christmas. We also developed the tradition of driving around town to look at the decorations that others put up. Even in her last years, Mom enjoyed doing this.
This Christmas eve my sister, our friend, Alice, and I drove around town a little to look at decorations. However, we kept our drive more limited than previous years, driving by the displays set up by the city and keeping closer to our own homes. Nevertheless, it was quite pleasant. We followed up by opening presents. I couldn't afford to give much this year. I had a small gift for Alice and haven't made my sister's gift yet, although she does know what it will be.
On Christmas Day we joined just a few friends at All World Acres for a quiet celebration. Notable in this was a Crystal Bowl meditation which I find to be very healing. As usual I entered the same altered state of consciousness that I normally do. At first I seemed to be struggling with racing thoughts, and then, the sound of the last bowl is ending.
One day soon my sister and I will continue with one of our family traditions, putting flowers at the graves in the family plot. Our grandmother kept up this, and then our mother did and now we are doing it, in our turn.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 14 – Unexpected Turns – Sequel

We often fail to realize the role that ritual plays in our ordinary lives. When something like my recent hospitalization disrupts our daily rituals, we can see better how much we depend on them. With my present radiation treatments my chief side effect is fatigue. My own daily ritual for weekdays has now evolved to be rather simple. After sleeping as late as possible, I rise and have breakfast, do “Daily Offering,” both general and for Dzambhala, take a shower and drive to my radiation therapy session. After my radiation treatment, I collect my travel pay, get gas, and then buy myself a treat of tea or coffee, Thai tea from Boba Internet Cafe, hot spiced chai latte from Kaleisia Tea Lounge, or a good coffee from either Cafe Kili or Coffee 101. When I get to my house, I mark off the date on my “short-timer's calendar.” I follow that with a nap.
In the evening, after supper, I have daily prayers together with at least the short form of White Tara and Medicine Buddha practice. If my strength permits, I do 21 prostrations. At that rate it will take 5291 days to do my 111,111 prostrations for Ngondro practice. When I get my strength back, I'll have to pick up the pace. I then take down the offerings and clean and dry the glasses.
With the effects of the Lasix that I take to keep off the excess fluid that Prednisone is likely to cause to build up, all of this is frequently interrupted by trips to the bathroom. I don't consider meditating or going to bed until after the action of the Lasix seems to have subsided. I give myself ten to twenty minutes for simple “calm abiding” meditation or watching my breathing. I sometimes manage to take a few minutes for this while I wait for my radiation treatments.
While I was hospitalized, this routine was broken up. I had thought that the idea of another kind of medical problem had been the source of my disturbance then, but I am now convinced that it was the disruption of my daily rituals. Even with the way the weekday drive to and from the hospital wears on me, there is something comforting in the sameness of the routine, the familiarity of the commonplace. Furthermore, the coffee or tea treat and the marking of the calendar give me a positive enjoyment to which I can look forward.
Being less than half way through my whole course of treatment and with the increasing degree of fatigue, I know that I will soon need to avail myself of the help of friends who have offered to drive for me. With Christmas day coming and Federal employees being given the day after Christmas as another holiday by the President, we patients are being given a long weekend off from treatments. I plan to take full advantage of the time to rest. My Christmas day activities don't start until 4 PM and I don't plan to stay up late. The day after Christmas being a New Moon, I plan to do a “Liberation of Animals from the Danger of Death” as well as Dzambhala water offering and an Achi tea offering. Otherwise, I plan to rest Friday and Saturday to prepare myself to be able to participate in a “sobriety sweat” on Saturday night. That will still give me Sunday to rest before my treatments resume on Monday.
However, Sunday will also be the first time for me to be able to sign on with the Tongren cancer group online. That will become part of my weekly ritual until the cancer is gone. Somewhere in the course of this long weekend, I want to do Amitayus Long Life practice, possibly turning some small part of the time into my own retreat. Indeed all these practices and offerings are going to be done by myself alone. Nevertheless, as with all of our Tibetan Buddhist practices, they are done not only for my benefit, but for the benefit of all sentient beings.
Likewise this journey is not for myself alone. As I have written before, I realize that it originates in my own karma, but its benefits are not just for the working out of that alone because others can also benefit from it as well. Daily I see the same other people who are going through radiation therapy also. In addition there are new people starting every week. We support and encourage each other. For my next session I plan to take in some pictures to share that a friend sent me, military humor that can be appreciated by other veterans as well. We need to maintain a sense of humor lest things get just too grim.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 14 – Unexpected Turns

Wednesday, I got to the VA as usual for my scheduled radiation therapy session, but, as I all too often do, I was experiencing a little lightheadedness and unsteadiness as I got out of my truck. I just thought that this was a little problem of low blood pressure because I take so many meds that affect it and can seriously lower it when I take them to close together. I assumed that it would pass as it often does.
I went on to my radiation session and then collected my travel pay. However, when I was heading back to my truck, I realized that I was still feeling the same unsteadiness and wobbliness. At that point I decided that I should go back to RTU to get one of the nurses to check my blood pressure. To my surprise, it was normal. I then considered that the feeling might also have been caused by high blood sugar. The nurse to me to the ER to have that checked, which turned out to be perfectly normal.
The nurses decided that this needed follow up and I was admitted to the ER. The ER physician called in a Neurology consult. When the neurologist's work up did not detect anything, she decided that I should be admitted to the hospital “overnight” for “observation” and testing.
“Overnight” stretched into three days with me wearing a heart monitor and going to test after test. I managed to still get my radiation treatments among all the tests. Since the symptoms that got me admitted were soon long gone, all of the testing has served to tell what is alright with me. With the time that I spent as an inpatient, I did get to share my Buddhist perspectives on my present circumstances and on life in general.
Finally, I was discharged from the hospital on Saturday with just enough time to get a short nap, have a bite of supper, and then drive with my sister to a witchy friend's Solstice celebration. Besides being in the general form of a ritual in the reclaiming tradition of Witchcraft as taught by Starhawk, it was specifically directed toward getting rid of something negative and seeking to receive something else positive in its place. Of course, it began with the usual preliminaries. I asperged everyone with water using a sprig of rosemary which I gave to each person as a remembrance of what we did. This was followed by calling the quarters and casting the circle and summoning deities. I called on Quan Yin, because this was particularly appropriate for me. Then we came to the “magical working” with a fire lit in the cauldron. As we chanted, “Dark of the year, wheel is turning. Dark of the moon, open up your heart. Dark of our lives, what we envision will come to be with the new born light,” our friend went to each of us in turn. She asked us what we wanted to give up. I said, “Disease.” I thought not only of myself, but also of my friend, Liz, who has just been diagnosed with breast cancer.
A second time she went around the group as we chanted “Dark of the year, wheel is turning. Dark of the moon, open up your heart. Dark of our lives, what we envision will come to be with the new born light.” This time she asked us what we wanted new in our lives. I said , “Life.” Again I thought not only of myself, but also of my friend, Liz.
Thistle commented that the last time my sister and I attended on of her rituals the handle of her cauldron burned off and this time it did too. For myself, I noticed that unlike my last time at a fire circle when I could not get warm, this time I was definitely absorbing energy from the fire. Although others had needed to put on jackets, I was still comfortable in my T-shirt.
After we had sent out the healing energy, dismissed the quarters and the deities and open the circle we went inside and “grounded” ourselves with food. We also got the chance to socialize and continue the process of getting acquainted that began before the ritual. In this situation, I did get to express my view that my present journey is not only for myself but for the benefit of others as well.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 13 – The Love of a Community

Weeks ago when I attended Florida Pagan Gathering, I experienced the love of many people whom I knew there. However, they were just a minority of the more than 600 people in attendance. On the other hand, at the Yule celebration that I attended at All World Acres this weekend I was enveloped in the love of the Pagan community there. Some already knew about my cancer treatment and others only found out this weekend. Nevertheless, almost everyone expressed love and support for me in this journey. Some of them I have not known for very long at all.
On Sunday afternoon. in addition to such expressions of support there were two alternative therapy modalities from which I benefited: crystal bowl meditation and energy healing. I even got accupressure pointers to manage my radiation treatment side effects, particularly inflamed hemorrhoids and fatigue. One of the participating energy workers came with her husband specifically to work on me. Not only did she utilize her skills and training, but she also had valuable advice from her own experience with radiation therapy. For this weekend, this was the culmination of a bigger and very beautiful experience.
On Friday, troubled by both fatigue and diarrhea, not only was I not able to pitch my tent in the afternoon to camp out for the weekend, but also I wasn't able to tend the fire for the sweat lodge that night or even attend it. However, the next day, Saturday, friends were asking my sister when I would be getting there. When I did arrive, I felt surrounded by their love.
I must confess that I found it especially heartening that a particular lady was asking about me. This is a lady toward whom I felt a strong attraction the first time I met her. The attraction is more than just physical, although it is that. I find the person that she is attractive to me, her Dianic witchy traditions, her intelligence, and her wicked sense of humor. Even if I can't see any way for a relationship to develop, she is one of the ladies that makes me question whether I should return to a monastic life with its celibacy. Admittedly, although I have both informally and very formally and even ritually renounced my monastic vows from my days as a Russian Orthodox monk, I remain, in practical terms, just as celibate as ever, in fact, not even romantically kissed.
I guess I still have to ask this question, lest I make the same kind of mistake that I did as an aftermath of a horrific nightmare of a marriage. On the other hand, I'm not sure whether I have the requisite social skills, no matter how common or simple, to begin or sustain a romantic relationship. I refuse, as a matter of principle, to “play games.” However, I have been told by men who are notably popular with the ladies that it is both essential and expected to do just that. Nevertheless, I sincerely doubt that a lasting relationship can be built that way. Furthermore, my conscience would be profoundly disturbed by any such deception.
I have had a psychic, whose reading of my past and present (at that time) and some predictions have proven particularly accurate, tell me that I have a “soul-mate” whom I have yet to meet. I am not sure whether I should accept this or regard it as a deception, even if unintended. Furthermore, when I can't distinguish at my age between mere flirting and genuine interest except through a third party's report, how can any relationship have the chance to start. Moreover, at my age, without the experience of any genuine romantic relationship even once, why should I even expect it at this late date.
Regardless of such questions, I am absolutely certain of the following things: I am to follow the Tibetan Buddhist path; I acted correctly in “taking refuge” when and where I did; I also quite correctly chose Ngakpa ordination precisely when I did; and I also made no mistake in trusting Venerable Lama Sonam to guide me on this spiritual path. Two experiences during this weekend, neither of which are new to me, are supportive of these decisions. In the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, Sogyal Rinpoche writes, “Despite this massive and nearly all-pervasive denial of its existence, we still sometimes have fleeting glimpses of the nature of mind.” I believe that the altered state that I sometimes enter when drumming or when the crystal bowls are played has given me such a glimpse.
I had not realized that until this weekend. However, my current reading may have attuned me to recognize it no matter how brief and unstable it has been. Nevertheless, such glimpses serve to convince me that there really is a “Buddha-nature” in all of us, and further, to motivate me to keep on the path provided by Tibetan Buddhism and to keep returning to my practice in spite of my lazy and undisciplined habits. A realization like this encourages me that if I do indeed follow through with becoming a monk, there may yet be enough time in what remains of this lifetime for me to attain enlightenment for the benefit of myself and all sentient beings, either in life or in the Bardo.
Compared to that, what is a romantic relationship, no matter how desirable? Like all other things about our lives, it is impermanent and ultimately not the source of lasting happiness. Perhaps, despite my lack of such a relationship in this lifetime, I have already had enough of that in my many previous lifetimes. Now, I again have a precious human life in which to seek enlightenment. Shall I use what is left of it on anything less?
If this new reminder of my own mortality has refocused my priorities properly, and if this time I keep to the path toward enlightenment, and if the duration and intensity of my experience of this “Journey through Cancer” keeps me from accepting anything less than true liberation, then it is of infinite and ultimate importance. Finally, its value is not only for me, but also for all sentient beings.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 12 – The Loss of a Friend

Yesterday, my cat died. We had been together through some very trying times, Mom's decline and death from Alzheimer's disease and my own recent diagnosis of cancer. However, when her liver failed, I could not save her.
She had quit eating and drinking, losing weight from her thin frame and becoming seriously dehydrated. I took her to the vet yesterday, but he gave her a poor prognosis. She would need a very intensive and expensive treatment and still would have little chance of recovery. As it was, the bill for the office visit and tests was around $180 which I can ill afford at this time. Furthermore, the treatment would have likely been beyond my ability to deliver since I may soon be at the point of being barely able to take care of myself. Even at that, after enduring such a difficult treatment she had so little chance of getting better.
Not only did I lack both the financial and physical means to provide that kind of care, but I also could not bear for her to undergo more suffering to no purpose. Governed by emotions and cultural bias, I decided to have her euthanized. I now wonder whether that was the right decision, because it violates the precept of no killing. Our culture and our society give us only the two choices, full medical care or euthanasia, for our animals. However, I believe that as a Buddhist I should have chosen a third alternative, palliative care. I could have brought her home and treated her to relieve her suffering and let her die both comfortably and naturally here. The fees for euthanasia and “disposal” should have been sufficient to cover that kind of medicine. Furthermore, after her death rather than being “disposed of,' she could have been buried here where her bones would have joined those of all the pets who enriched our lives growing up here.
Unfortunately, I cannot undo what I have done, but I can decide to do better the next time such a choice must be made. Furthermore, I can console myself that I spent my last minutes with Ancyra chanting the Chenrezig mantra and the Amitabha mantra and wishing her a peaceful passing and a better rebirth. However, after participating in and even leading “Liberating Animals from the Danger of Death,” I believe I could have done better by her.
In further consolation, particularly for my loss, the vet has offered that when I complete my treatments, he will give me a kitten with all its shots and either neutered or spayed for free. I do plan on accepting that offer. I already feel more alone without a cat or dog in my life.
This may seem like a small thing, but for me it is a significant part of my new way of life as a committed Buddhist. As a consequence of praying “for the benefit of all sentient beings,” I should have a different relationship to those “sentient beings.” I am just learning what that new relationship should be.
Tonight at the Dharma Center I found out that Venerable Lama Sonam covered this very issue in his teachings on the Bardo that he gave at Katsel Dharma Garden in Clearwater. Had I been able to attend this teaching, I would have already known that I should have let her have a natural death, but I have learned this the hard way. Furthermore, I would have been given tools to apply in such a circumstance which would have helped me cope with it and to do the best for Ancyra for her future.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 11 – Side Effects

With any course of treatment there are inevitably side effects. Even good old aspirin has them, longer clotting times. With some medications they seem worse than the illness that they treat. With others the side effects, however unpleasant, are preferable to the consequences of not accepting treatment. Cancer treatments are notorious for their side effects. Beam radiation has its set, but less than most of the chemotherapy drugs.
In my last blog post I said I didn't know whether I was already experiencing the first of them after only two treatments. Although those symptoms were the result of nerves, I now actually have the first of them, skin irritation and nausea. The skin through which the beams pass feels like I've had a little too much sun, but not quite a full sunburn. The skin is hot to the touch, tight and irritated. The only symptom to sun exposure lacking is redness. These areas are still as pale as ever since they never see the sun. I am going to place tubes of the moisturizing cream that was prescribed anywhere that I might spend significant time as well as try to carry a tube with me. I won't risk allowing too long to go by without it. I need to keep from having too much trouble with my skin in order that these areas not become new flare up sites for psoriasis.
The nausea hit me after supper. Fortunately, I was able to enjoy a good meal before it started. While it is milder than it might have been, indeed might yet be, I am glad that I already bought the protein powder and keep milk and yogurt in the refrigerator. Tonight my protein “smoothie” was just my snack before taking my night time medications and practice for making them when they are essential nutrition. My only mistake was adding a little honey for sweetening, not realizing that the protein powder is already sweetened. That is a small error when considered against my readiness to make these when I really need them.
Additionally there may be some irritation to the lower gastrointestinal tract, although it could be an unrelated flare up of my hemorrhoids. My sister got me a “donut” cushion that I may start using if this persists. Right now I am getting by just trying to sit “lightly” on the edge of my chair.
All in all, I have to say that these side effects are not all that serious or that severe. For that, I am most grateful. While I understand from what I have read that they are likely to get more serious and more severe as I progress through my treatments, I have confidence that we can manage them.
Indirectly a side effect, my arthritis is worse today, as I work out just how much prednisone is required to treat it. Taking it every other day doesn't work. Now I'll step up to a single pill each day. In addition, I have to be very faithful in taking my Lasix every day to prevent prednisone's common side effect of water retention. Having that could adversely affect my treatments either through reducing their effectiveness or through causing healthy tissues to be exposed to too much radiation. Furthermore, I have to take the Lasix around supper time in order that I not have trouble getting to a bathroom while its activity peaks and also to not have it send me to the bathroom at night more often than I do already. This is just one more of the adjustments that I have had to make or may yet have to make before this journey ends with a cancer-free state.
These are a few of the considerations at this stage in this process. Although I am sure there will be other concerns as time goes on, I trust I will handle them with the support system I already have. Furthermore, the spiritual support of my vajra brothers and sisters as well as my root lama will strengthen me to use the practical tools that I have at my disposal. Moreover, they will help me keep in mind both the karmic origin of my situation and its benefit to others.
Although I'm feeling rather poorly right now, I hope that when I get up in the morning I'll have the energy to start back on my project of “liquidating my own estate.” Even though the VA is giving me travel pay for all my appointments, it, together with my pension, still won't cover the additional expenses I'm likely to incur. For example, sometimes when I have more appointments than just the treatment session, I'll need to eat out. However, this is not just a practical activity, but rather a spiritual exercise in identifying and overcoming attachments. Alternatively, if I'm not up to doing something that physical, I can sew a few items for my sister to sell at a pagan festival or for the Dharma Center to sell to raise funds. I can take $20 worth of fabric to make $120 worth of merchandise, more than I could afford to donate. Furthermore, the action of sewing things for my vajra brothers and sisters to use and the act of donating them is a spiritual activity. If what I make aids them in spiritual practice, it benefits me, them and all sentient beings.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 10 – addendum – It Begins

Yesterday I had my first radiation treatment after “verification x-rays” confirmed the positioning of the linear accelerator, the beam source. Unfortunately, because the time for the x-rays extended my time on the table, I found myself feeling extreme urgency. Perhaps, tomorrow I should back off a little on the water I drink after I arrive. However, since there will be less time on the table, I should be less likely to get in the same state again.
While I waited for this first session, besides drinking the necessary amount of water, I recited mantras (Medicine Buddha and White Tara) and turned my prayer wheel. Although I had a book to read, I didn't seem to have the requisite degree of concentration for that. Perhaps while awaiting future sessions, I'll manage to read. Since the book is the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying and we are having teachings on the Bardo at Katsel Dharma Garden in Clearwater this weekend, it would be good for me to make some progress in the book.
I had to go to pharmacy to straighten out a problem with regard to the moisturizing cream they want me to use. The prescription had been written on my last visit, but it had never arrived in the mail. Therefore I had thought that I had misunderstood it coming by mail. Since I need to start using yesterday, I needed to pick it up the same day. The pharmacist ordered my refill to be picked up at the pharmacy window. I was very pleased to read the list of ingredients, the first of which was aloe vera gel. However I was not so happy about some of the other ingredients. Hopefully, the less desirable constituents will not negate the benefits of things like safflower oil, beeswax, Vitamin D, and Vitamin E. Tonight I'll use it for the first time, replacing my comfrey and lavender salve made with olive oil and beeswax.
As much as I have been preparing, yesterday I showed signs of nervousness nonetheless, elevated blood pressure, mild headache, and restlessness. Even the cause of the new frequent and urgent urination with almost nothing in my bladder which started after my treatment session could as easily be nerves as it could be irritation of the urethra by radiation. Considering the fact that this is the first treatment, it is probably unlikely to be a side effect of radiation. From everything that I've read, it takes multiple sessions to cause the first side effects. Regardless of the cause, it is really annoying that I can't get far from restrooms
This morning I believe I may have the first side effects in the form of skin irritation. I had not expected that after only the first session, because I thought my comfrey and lavender salve was preparing the skin for it. However, last night I was itching in the lower abdominal region and this morning I am in the whole exposed area. I'll have to talk to the nurse practitioner in RTU to rule out some other cause, because this could also be from nervousness.
Yesterday has involved “good news and bad news.” The good news was that the rate for mileage for travel pay has increased to the point that I satisfied my deductible yesterday and collected enough to cover my lunch. As we progress through my treatment appointments, this should cover my gas expense as long as gas prices don't go up as high as they were. The bad news is that I can't take Enbrel for my , psoriasis and psoriatic arthritis during my treatments, because it suppresses Tumor Necrosis Factor which my body now needs to take care of the cancer cells. Instead, I am to take prednisone which might complicate keeping my weight under control due to its effect on appetite and water retention. I'll just have to focus on topical medications for the psoriasis and trying to use the least dosage of prednisone to manage the arthritis.
At my Rheumatology appointment, I joked with the nurse practitioner about whether I would glow in the dark after my treatments. She did discuss with me the increased risk of cancer returning that would be involved in going back onto Enbrel or one of the similar medications, but we discussed how few options we have for treating my psoriasis and psoriatic arthritis effectively. My inclination is to tackle each challenge as it comes. We concluded that we would have to weigh my options when I get through with treatment and set my next Rheumatology appointment for about a month after my final radiation therapy session.
All in all, I would say that it wasn't a bad beginning for such an undesirable process. I will make it through it, hopefully staying spiritually grounded and with my sense of humor intact.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 10 – The Spiritual Preparations

This weekend I completed my first Tibetan Buddhist retreat since taking refuge and being ordained Ngakpa. Quite appropriately it was what is sometimes called a “Refuge Retreat.” It consisted of teaching on the importance of Ngondro, an explanation of the Refuge portion of Ngondro, followed by the Ngondro Retreat.
The retreat was divided into four sessions, two on each day. Each of these consisted of prayers (altruistic motivation, several forms of the refuge prayer and the seven limb prayer), “the four ways of turning the mind,” a period of meditation for each of the ways, chanting of several mantras, followed by the refuge prayer repeatedly as we do prostrations, then another period of meditation, followed by more mantra recitations and then the dedication prayers. This is a powerful practice which is described as an important method for the purification of negative deeds and the accumulation of merit.
At my age, the prostrations are significantly more difficult than when I was younger. The last time I did this practice, it was not part of a retreat but a weekly Dharma practice. At that time, although I could not keep up with my younger vajra brothers and sisters, I did not give up or stop before they did. This weekend, only in the last session did I accomplish that and then only by pausing often to pace myself rather than trying to do my prostrations at the same pace as everyone else. Fortunately, Venerable Lama Sonam doesn't expect all of us to do the same number of prostrations in the same amount of time. Rather he has suggested that those of us who have difficulty with them try to do 21 each day until we are able to do more. Previously the prospect of doing the 111,111 prostrations that are part of Ngondro practice was so out of reach that I didn't even try. This time, however long it may take, I will continue until I accomplish this. We often pray the Action Bodhicitta Prayer, “Thus, until I achieve enlightenment, I perform virtuous deeds with body, speech & mind. Until death, I perform virtuous deeds with body, speech & mind. From now until this time tomorrow, I perform virtuous deeds with body, speech and mind.“ Prostrations are part of the “body” portion of it.
“With body, speech and mind,” a phrase that is so powerful and it is so much of why I chose to become Tibetan Buddhist. To me it is a holistic form of spirituality which doesn't seem to neglect anything about us as human beings. It is built on Shakyamuni Buddha's scientific method. It has a method and program of action which, if it doesn't lead us to enlightenment in this lifetime, at least carries us in that direction. The practice of this weekend retreat is no exception. For me there were so many small realizations and so many moments of growth.
The introduction to the text says, “However, to practice the path of Mahamudra and the six yogas of Naropa one must be fully convinced of the 'four ways of turning the mind' or the four foundations. The four ways of turning the mind are the basis for the successful practice of any of the Yanas. Then one practices the four extraordinary foundations, or the Vajrayana Ngondro, to purify the negative karma and obscurations of the mind, speech and body and to develop virtues.” Even in one weekend retreat it does a lot.
Every time that I read “four ways of turning the mind” when I get to, “When we obtain this body, which is easily lost, do not waste it meaninglessly but rather use it to attain the ultimate liberation – joyous result,” I have to think of my life and both the close calls I have had with death and the long time that it has taken for me to find my way to Tibetan Buddhism. Saturday morning, when I read, “Henceforth, practice Dharma by distinguishing between what should be practiced and what should be given up,” I recognized several things in my life in both categories. Sunday morning, as I read, “Death can descend anytime like a drop of morning dew on a blade of grass,” I thought of the accident I almost had that morning as I was hurrying to the Dharma Center. I even commented to a friend there that when you consider all my concerns about my cancer, I might not have lived long enough to survive it. Whether you are in perfect health and expect to live a long life or have a terminal illness and doctors have given you an anticipated life expectancy, none of us really know how long or short our life will really be.
I have only done this practice a total of five times in this lifetime. Nevertheless, several times during the weekend I knew what was on the next page before I turned it and once even started the mantra (which wasn't one that I had previously tried to learn) before I saw it. I have to wonder whether this is from a past life memory. Already I often experience the feeling that I should understand the meaning when we chant in Tibetan. Considering the fact that I have had fragmentary memories of a life as an Indian man from South India who became a monk in a Tibetan monastery, these feelings are not surprising.
We concluded the weekend with the “Auspicious Smoke Ceremony.” While on a practical level it is the best way to dispose of defective or damaged Dharma materials like texts and prayer flags, it is much more than this. It is described in the following manner,”The Auspicious Smoke Ceremony has been performed by Lamas and Rinpoches for thousands of years. This ceremony takes place outside and serves as an offering to all the Buddhas and Enlightened Ones. This practice repairs broken vows and purifies negative deeds. It additionally benefits the local environment from weather related negative circumstances. ” Reading the text is an invocation and petition for the aid and goodwill of many very powerful beings. Furthermore, the accompanying ritual supports the words we recite. Finally, who among us does not need to repair broken vows or purify negative deeds.
As with all of our other practices, we do the “Auspicious Smoke Ceremony,”not only for ourselves but for the benefit of all sentient beings, especially our neighbors. This seemed the perfect complement to the Vajrapani empowerment that we had on Friday night which was how my weekend began, even before the retreat started on Saturday. Concerning this, “Vajrapani is the Bodhisattva which represents the energy of all the Buddhas. His practice is an excellent way to burn away afflictive emotions and obscurations. This practice also protects the surrounding environment from the negative weather related circumstances we are all experiencing due to climate changes.”
This retreat and all these practices together with spending time with Venerable Lama Sonam seems the perfect preparation for the treatments that begin this week on Tuesday. It all adds to the inner resources with which I shall be strengthened to walk through this illness, its treatment, and the recovery from both the illness and the treatment. It is even helpful that I have been asked to make robes for three new Ngakmas who will be ordained Monday night. Through this I am able to support my Dharma Center more than my limited income would allow.
I am very much looking forward to the Ngakpa and Ngakmo ordinations as an opportunity to hear more commentary on our 14 samayas and to renew them myself. While I am not aware of any way that I have specifically broken any vows, I am sure that I have not kept them perfectly. I do have to acknowledge that I have not been perfect in my love for all being in my keeping of the words of Buddha. The repair of them and renewal of them that these four days allow form the final spiritual preparations for the course of treatment that is about to begin.
It will all strengthen me for the daily struggles. It will also help me keep in focus the truth that I am not doing this for myself alone. As we repeat so often, I am doing it also “for the benefit of all sentient beings.”

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 9 – Why do any of this?

It may seem from what I've written that I have it all together all the time, but that impression couldn't be farther from the truth. Instead, having suffered from chronic low grade depression for years, although it has been very successfully treated, under the present circumstances, it is not surprising that I have to deal with it again now. The symptoms of an enlarged prostate for which the old treatments are no longer as effective are aggravating. The herbs that are part of the alternative therapy that I am using before the radiation therapy begins are only tolerable when masked by the spice in my daily chai. The seaweed that is supposed to prepare my body to cope with radiation makes my noodles unpalatable. Each day can be an emotional roller-coaster, but I continue to be able to find my way back to that balance point of confidence in my path and hopefulness for the future. For that I have a lot of help.
First of all is the living of my own particular life. I have repeatedly survived what could have easily been fatal circumstances and conditions. They may have involved a lot of pain and a long recovery, but I did survive. All this has brought me through diverse experiences to find my way back to Tibetan Buddhism which I had followed in a previous lifetime centuries ago. I know that I can survive anything no matter how improbable it might seem. On balance, I do realize that I won't survive everything, even when I've made it through this. However, it is a great blessing that Lama Sonam will be teaching on the Bardo and I am reading the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying to prepare for it. It is no coincidence that just when the specter of Death looms so large that I am to study about preparing for it while I am most receptive for the knowledge even if I am not really dying just now.
Next, I have my absolute certainty that I have lived before and can live again. However, this does leave me the responsibility to do all that I can with the rest of my life no matter how short or long to ensure that, even if I don't attain enlightenment in this lifetime, I shall have a good rebirth to have the chance to attain it then. If I should wind up like the poor earthworms that we liberated last weekend, how many more lifetimes as how many different kinds of living things would I need just to get back to this same point? While I continue to breathe, while I still have this life, I can aspire toward bodhicitta.
Next, I also have a whole host of people who care very much what happens to me and are doing what they can to help me overcome and recover from this disease. Some advise me in alternative or adjunctive therapies. Some supply me with the essential oils, herbs,or soaps for a particular regimen. Others are willing to help me with transportation to my treatment. I even had someone whom I have never met contribute toward my transportation needs. Furthermore, I have the whole VA medical system to support me with the conventional treatments and medicines. Still others give me the benefit of various alternative therapies especially forms of “energy work.” I even have a “witchy” friend who plans to have my healing as part of the magical working in the ritual at her Winter Solstice celebration.
Furthermore, I have my Dharma Center, my vajra brothers and sisters who are my Sangha. And even more than just them, my Greater Sangha which includes my root lama and the Sri Lankan monk who sends me email Dharma teachings and my Zen friend who got me involved in the Maitreya Project Relic Tour and even the monks of the Wat Florida Dhammaram whose pilgrimage shrines I visited. All these keep bringing me back to study of the Dharma and the practice of the Dharma which includes the practice of compassion. Even last night at our Vegetarian Thanksgiving,.Venerable Lama Sonam stressed to us the importance of opening any practice that we are doing with altruistic motivation and concluding it with our dedicating it to benefit others, reminding us of the central place of compassion in Buddhism, especially Tibetan Buddhism where we so often repeat, “for the benefit of all sentient beings.”.
I could be walking through this disease and its treatment alone which would be both profoundly lonely and also interminably depressing, but I am not alone but rather have a whole host of caring supporters. I could be doing this solely for my own individual selfish survival, but I am not doing this only for me but rather for the benefit of so many others who must walk a similar road. I could see this as the Karmic result of my own actions in this or a previous life which would be both true and very sad, but, more than that, it is the opportunity to be of service to others which is an occasion for joy. I learned long ago that pursuing my own selfish goals brings no happiness, but helping others brings true joy. I enjoy cooking, but never so much as when I cook for others and see their enjoyment of what I have prepared.
We are walking through all these peaks and valleys of this thing together and we will get to the other side of it. When we find ourselves “cancer free,” it may not be all that much farther that we have to face another cancer in another part of our body, but we will walk through that too. However, when we reach that or another challenge of life, we will reach with the tools that this experience has given us. Moreover we will meet it as new people changed by this and all other experiences. Even the very atoms that make up our body will be different, because nothing, not even ourselves, stays the same.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 8 Addendum

Just about two hours ago I got back from a pilgrimage to the holy places of Lord Buddha Shakyamuni's life. I was able to visit the Vihara Maha Mayadevi, built in commemoration of the Buddha’s birthplace in Lumbini Nepal, the Mahabodhi Temple of Bodgaya India, the Dhamekha Stupa of Sarnath India, and the Parinibbana Temple of Kusinara India. Most wondrously I did this all in less than one day, without even leaving Florida. Such a moving spiritual experience is made possible because Wat Florida Dhammaram has constructed replicas of the sacred places of pilgrimage in honor Lord Buddha as they are found in India. Therefore, by driving from my home in Plant City to Kissimmee, I was able to make prostrations in the main temple of Wat Florida Dhammaram and then go to each of these shrines and make prostrations in each of them.
As we were driving, it started raining lightly, because a cold front was passing through this area. When we arrived at Wat Florida Dhammaram, it was like a light mist, hardly even a drizzle. This continued as we visited the temple and the shrines, although it was definitely clearing. We were invited to lunch by one of the monks but I declined both because my own focus was on time at the shrines and because I doubted that my sister could tolerate Thai food. Even the mildest can be too spicy for her.
After having our picnic lunch, I went back to the Parinibbana Temple and do circumambulations, prostrations, mantra recitations and meditation at such a holy place. As I started to meditate, I seemed to have a lot of disturbance, but I eventually reached a state of calm and quiet. This was such a great blessing for me at this particular time. All in all we didn't stay very long, but I think I'll try to get back in a month or so, although I might have to recruit a driver at that point.

Journey Through Cancer - Chapter 8 – part 2

Yesterday, we had the ceremony with a small group, only a couple of whom were Buddhist, which turned out well. I believe that most of them grasped the point of the liberation and understood the significance of “all mother sentient beings” which, to me, is such an important concept underlying so much of what we do in our practice. Native Americans talk about “all our relations,” but this takes it a step farther and also is connected to our understanding of time as cyclic rather than linear. My mind truly opened to that when someone asked me why, if I accepted that I have been born multiple times, I couldn't accept that the “universe” as we know it might also have been “born” multiple times. At the same time, scientists and mathematicians hypothesize multiple universes coexisting with this one. Why could they not be various Buddhafields?
For this ceremony, I had to set up a temporary altar and, since I hadn't done my daily practice before leaving home in the morning, I did the daily offerings. This gave rise to questions about the nature and significance of each of them. While I could only answer about a couple of them from memory, I promised to send her a copy of the transcript of the talk by Khenpo Konchog Gyaltsen Rinpoche which inspired me to do the same kind of daily offerings. This way she gets the teaching of someone who is actually qualified to teach. However, I can help to promote the curiosity that motivates someone to seek a qualified teacher.
A couple of us talked a little about the prayer: “If I am supposed to get sick, let me get sick, and I’ll be happy. May this sickness purify my negative karma and the sickness of all sentient beings. If I am supposed to be healed, let all my sickness and confusion be healed, and I’ll be happy. May all sentient beings be healed and filled with happiness. If I am supposed to die, let me die and I’ll be happy. May all the delusion and the causes of suffering of beings die. If I am supposed to live a long life, let me live a long life and I’ll be happy. May my life be meaningful in service to sentient beings. If my life is to be cut short, let it be cut short and I’ll be happy. May I and all others be free from attachment and aversion.”
I am inclined to see my present experience living with and struggling with my cancer as the practice of this very prayer in daily life. Whether the cancer is going to kill me soon, or later or not at all, whether it is to be cured by conventional allopathic medicine, or by alternative therapies, or not at all, I am not just doing this for myself but for the benefit of all sentient beings. Furthermore, just like the animal liberation, I dedicate the living out of this to the same folks.
Once you remove the concerns about death and you realize that there are no symptoms other than those I have been experiencing for years with a simple enlarged prostate and the new lower back pain is probably more likely psychological rather than physiological, most of that with which I am coping is “treatment” whether conventional or alternative. My “medicinal” Ramen noodles with their shiitake mushrooms and broccoli cuts are made almost totally unpalatable by the hijiki seaweed, but it is supposed to be preparing my body to cope with the radiation. Replacing my milk with soy milk takes away one of the pleasures that I've enjoyed all my life. Scheduling sessions for the various alternative healing modalities takes time of which I already have too little. At the same time I'm trying to integrate a couple of guided meditations into my life as the time gets closer for my radiation treatments.
To balance this I have my spiritual practice which must not diminish but still keep developing toward the goals set in consultation with my root lama. These aren't just incidental to or merely supportive of the alternative or conventional medical modalities, but rather they are the basis, the cause and the purpose of everything else. Furthermore, to fail to grow in my spiritual practice or to lose the focus on eventually taking full ordination as a monk would be to through away one of the greatest benefits to my life of this whole experience.
Leaving aside, for the moment, the bigger Karmic issues and any consideration of the accumulation of merit, I am walking a path that others must walk, but in so doing I am working out the practical application of certain principles to daily life. For example, what does trusting my root lama in matters of my spiritual life mean if I can't trust him in simple recommendations regarding my physical life? Likewise, if I truly believe that others' intentions are pure in their motivation to help me toward full health, why would I not accept their help? Since I believe that, in regard to my health just like any other circumstance arising in my life, what happens is the result of the intersection exercise my will with the Karmic consequences of my past decisions and actions, why would I not take active control of my health care decisions and plans? In doing these things or any others by which I benefit others in addition to myself, I am not some spiritual hero or saint or Bodhisattva, just the result of certain causes and conditions coming together in this particular way. However certain causes and conditions place me on this path and enable me to walk it as I do.
“Whatever merit I have gathered through prostrations, offerings, confession, rejoicing, beseeching and praying - for the sake of the enlightenment of all sentient beings, all this I dedicate.”

Journey Through Cancer - Chapter 8

This has been an eventful week in my walk through this process and my spiritual development.
On the practical side, not only did I have the “simulation” CT, but I spent time with the Radiation Oncology department social worker. She verified that I am eligible for travel pay for my appointments after my mileage exceeds the “deductible” for the month. Furthermore, she gave me the information on other resources available to get me to my treatments. I am most blessed to have the support that I have.
On the spiritual side, I finally added to my practice daily offerings which I was supposed to begin shortly after Venerable Lama Sonam was here the last time. At least I have started it before he gets back next week. I guess when I finally get to doing the daily practice that we set out as an ideal when he was here, it will be time to do something more or something different.
Furthermore, this past Wednesday not only did I see the social worker but I also was able to get to the Dharma Center for practice. There is something very comforting in doing any practice with my vajra brothers and sisters. This is part of what is meant when we say, “the precious Sangha is the supreme guide.” Sometimes they don't realize the significance and importance of the things that they say and do and what it helps me to remember or recognize.
When the KDC president reminds us that Venerable Lama Sonam will be here next Wednesday, he may not know how much encouragement that it gives. To keep my spiritual focus at this time is not easy and I need a lot of help to not be overwhelmed by the usual concerns in the midst of all the medical stuff. Furthermore, the mundane details of finances and transportation as well as the carrying out of the alternative adjunct therapies that I am utilizing can easily take up all my attention.
On the other hand, even attending to the practical aspects of supporting the Dharma Center for our Lama's visit ultimately is part of my spiritual practice. It relates both to my affection for and trust in him and also to my helping all sentient beings to attain enlightenment. These are things to which we repeatedly refer in our prayers, but this is the application of those words in action. Furthermore, we get the opportunity to examine our motivation in doing this, because doing the right thing for the wrong reason contains no merit even if it may bear other accidental benefits.
I am inclined to think of motivation, because tomorrow afternoon I shall be assisting in a ceremony of “liberating animals from the danger of death.” In this, one of my responsibilities will be reading the part on motivation somewhat like a guided meditation. While there is much merit in the practice of such a liberation, it is dependent on our motivation. Furthermore, since there will be non-Buddhists present, it will be important for them to understand why we do such a thing. It isn't some nice quaint little thing that we do, but rather something of great significance that arises from our understanding of the cosmos and the relationship of all living things. Furthermore, this relationship is not abstract and impersonal but rather very practical and very personal. When we refer to “all mother sentient beings,” we really do mean that, in the great cyclic nature of time and rebirth, every sentient being that we encounter in this life has at some time or other been our mother, our father, our sister, and our brother. Thus we can sincerely wish for them a human rebirth during which they can have the same opportunity for enlightenment that our human life affords us.
In all of this I am fully aware that I am unqualified to teach, but I can still share with others my faith and my practice with the spoken or unspoken disclaimer that I am only a beginner not a teacher. Instead, I would point anyone with interest to my teachers. How else can I truly help others toward enlightenment, toward Buddhahood?

Journey Through Cancer - Chapter 7

Yesterday, I took another step toward starting my radiation treatments. In fact, my next appointment will be for my first radiation therapy session after a follow-up X-ray. What was done yesterday is called a “simulation,” a special CT scan to enable the oncologist to determine the position and size of the tumor(s) as well as the significant organs and tissues. This also provides the data for the physicists to calculate exactly how to deliver the necessary dosage to the tumor(s) and they will cast the metal shielding that controls the beam of radiation.
For this scan, I needed to have a “comfortably full” bladder which is an oxymoron for a man with an enlarged prostate. Nevertheless, I did find that the best strategy for that is to empty my bladder as soon as I arrive at the hospital (usually necessary anyway after my drive from home) and then to drink about 24 ounces of water which is what I managed to do yesterday. Since that is what brought my bladder to the specific size that it was for the scan, that is now the course for preparing for each radiation treatment.
As a result of this “simulation” I now have my first tattoos.;-) After the techs determined from consulting with the oncologist that their marks on me were correctly placed for aligning the linear accelerator, one of them put a drop of India ink at each point and used a hypodermic needle (without a syringe) to put it into my skin. Unfortunately, even knowing about where they are, I can't see them in a mirror or even in digital pictures that I try to take of myself. They are kind of disappointing for my first tattoos :-( I guess the techs and the machines will find them when they need to.
Also, yesterday, the psychologist who runs my “aftercare” group at the Mental Health Clinic called to set up an alternative, because my radiation therapy sessions are scheduled at the same time as the group meets. He scheduled me an appointment with Psychology intern in order to have a continuing support during the course of my cancer treatment.
I am most fortunate to have the quality of medical care that is provided for me at no cost to me. Indeed, you might say that I already paid for it with my honorable and voluntary service in the U.S. Navy. Not only do I have good care, but I also have a lot of support as well.
My sister bought me what she called “a late birthday or early Christmas present” of a blender specifically designed to make drinks like “smoothies.” I have already tested it on making a frozen protein drink according to the recipe that my primary care doctor gave me, except that I skipped the protein powder rather than open that so early. With the requirement that I neither gain nor lose weight from the weight that I weighed-in at yesterday, these shakes can keep up my nutrition even when I am so nauseated that food is repulsive. I can just slowly sip on a tasty cold drink through as many hours as it takes to finish it. I even brought up to my oncologist and his nurse that I might use this as part of a weight loss program after my treatments are finished. They agreed that might be worthwhile.
I also move forward with my adjunct alternative therapy program. I rewrote a guided meditation “Journey to the Wise Healer Within” which I found in a book on breast cancer to be more directed toward my having prostate cancer. I will record it onto my laptop in order to be able to play it back to myself in my bedroom. In addition to this, I continue to keep up my intake of Brassicas and seaweeds and mushrooms. While I do enjoy all my greens as well as the broccoli sprouts, some of the seaweeds are not so tasty and I definitely do not like reishi mushrooms at all. In this area, hijiki is palatable in my “enhanced” ramen noodles and shiitake mushrooms are quite delicious, but I can only say that kelp is best kept to things with strong flavor especially with plenty of garlic ;-)
My nightly use of my comfrey salve (that turned out to be really a thick oil because I didn't use enough beeswax in it) probably won't necessitate replacing all of my underwear because there probably won't be enough of a cumulative green stain with less than two weeks until the radiation therapy begins. At that point I have to use only water-based moisturizers on my skin, and the doctor is prescribing their preferred one. However, I may still use pure aloe, especially if there isn't any on the ingredient list of the prescribed one.
As far as my spiritual preparations are concerned, I am trying to alternate between White Tara and Medicine Buddha practice daily, if not the full sadhana, at least the short practice in the prayer booklet from the Dharma Center. I am also trying to start daily offerings as part of my practice. Added to this, I am fortunate that I shall be participating in an animal liberation ceremony this coming Saturday. Not only is this an occasion of “accumulating merit,” but also an opportunity to expose non-Buddhists to our ways and help them, even if only in the tiniest degree, toward their own enlightenment..
The most phenomenal blessing for me at this time is that Lama Sonam will be here teaching before I begin my treatments. The incredibly fortuitous timing in his visit includes the fact that he will be leading Ngondro Training and Practice Retreat on the weekend before my very first treatment session. While my present circumstances can force me to focus most of my attention and exert most of my energies on medical matters, the most important things in life, whether normal or under stress, are spiritual training and practice and intentions and actions.
Last month I celebrated my 59th birthday and only just this year started serious Dharma practice. I have wasted so much of this lifetime and have to be propelled onto the path by another reminder of my own mortality. However, at least I realize that there is no better way to spend the remainder of my life than in service to the Dharma and working toward the enlightenment of all sentient beings. Now I have to go through what I have to go through and survive in order to live long enough to be ordained and be of service.

Journey Through Cancer - Chapter 6

The two weekends prior to this one have been the occasions of powerful spiritual experiences. Nevertheless, I am only just now writing about them. However, that does not diminish the importance of them in my present circumstances. They are part of my spiritual and emotional preparation for what awaits me in the weeks ahead.
First, two weeks ago, I was privileged to participate in the Maitreya Project Relic Tour at Unitarian Universalist Church in Clearwater. When a friend asked me to help months ago, I was thrilled at the opportunity to be a part of bringing something so special here to our region. I thought I would like to do certain jobs for the tour, but I felt that it would be inappropriate to ask for such a consideration. I was fortunate enough to be there for the opening ceremonies on that Friday from the start until closing, Saturday from opening until closing, and Sunday from noon until everything was packed and loaded to go to the next site.
Most Buddhists in the world rarely if ever get the chance to see any relic. If they are fortunate, their temple may have one, but it is most likely to be housed in a statue or stupa. They may get to venerate it but not see it. Here in a church in America were relics from Shakyamuni Buddha, his heart disciples, many of the great teachers of Buddhism to whom we owe our own faith and practice, and even modern holy teachers. We got the opportunity to see and venerate such holy treasures. I was so fortunate to be able to spend so much time in their presence.
On Saturday, when I arrived, I told them I volunteered for “anything that you need” without setting any limit on the jobs that I would do. I was assigned to “security” around the relic display, which was not one of the jobs I would have chosen for myself. After about my fourth time around the table, I realized that I was “circumambulating” the relics and it was my job. Such a great blessing and I received it unasked!
As the day progressed, I found myself filling in for the volunteers who had the jobs I would have asked to have. In fact, between Saturday and Sunday I did every volunteer job inside the room with the relics. As a further blessing, I was never asked to take one of the jobs outside the presence of the relics. Even now, when I reflect on that weekend, I am still amazed at my good fortune throughout the whole weekend.
We were fortunate to have monastics to give blessings with relics of Shakyamuni Buddha through the entire weekend without any long gap of time. I must confess that when the opportunity presented itself, I received blessings each time a different monastic was giving them, except the very last one. In fact I would only approach for another blessing if no one were in line which is the reason that I didn't receive a blessing of the Vietnamese nun who was the last giving them. Between the number of people coming at that particular time and the intensity and carefulness and elaborateness of her blessings, the line never diminished until she was finished.
It was profoundly inspiring to see all the different kinds of Buddhists who came together for this. Furthermore, it was especially inspiring to me to see the great devotion and reverence with which so many approached the relics. We had such a diverse group of people coming through, from the merely curious to the most devout. I found myself explaining the most basic things to some and learning so much from others, sometimes even without words. There were young children whose parents and grandparents were teaching them to make prostrations. There were also the aged and infirm who needed assistance to varying degrees. Moreover, no one could judge from appearances who were very familiar with Buddhism and very devout or who were ignorant of everything about it. There could be a tattooed, pierced teenager with strangely colored hair who approached with the greatest of reverence. There could also be a mature Asian woman who seemed totally unfamiliar with everything going on. Nevertheless, they were all welcomed and embraced by the pervasive loving-kindness that seems to characterize the exhibit and seems to flow from the image of Maitreya Buddha. There was the most dynamic interplay of relics and devotees and monastic and lay person that seemed to build up an almost palpable aura of love and compassion.
Whether it was the “Animal Liberation” that I almost missed (because I had tired myself so much on Saturday being there from opening to closing) or the tenderness of the Buddha Bath ritual or the great outpouring of love that brought together such a collection of relics to inspire us and bless us, the overall effect of this exhibit was an increase of compassion at least in me but hopefully in others as well. However, I must confess that later the great feeling of compassion and loving-kindness was hard to maintain toward the driver who, when we were all being directed into one lane because of a disabled 18-wheeler, ran around everybody in his Hummer expecting to be let in ahead of everyone else. All that I can say in my defense is that I probably did not feel as badly toward him as I might have had I not been just coming from helping to pack up the exhibit and having spent so much time in the presence of such precious relics and having spent so much time with such devout practitioners of Lord Buddha's teachings.
Even now, although the emotions which overwhelmed me at times during the weekend have dissipated, I am still most profoundly changed by this experience in all its parts.

The second event of this interval was Florida Pagan Gathering. Although I was supposed to arrive on the Wednesday of that week, I didn't manage to get there until Thursday morning. The first striking experience was that someone wanted me to be there enough that I didn't have to pay my own registration fee. That day I set up my sister's canopy and the tent she was supposed to sleep in, after which I set up my own tent with a little help from a friend. That afternoon I set up and tended the fire for the Sweat Lodge Ceremony. Although, because we had so many people both nights, I wasn't able to go into the lodge itself, I still participated fully from the outside through my connection with the fire. It is always such a powerful environment for prayer for me. I particularly feel my connectedness to all living things and make contact with deep levels of my own consciousness.
Friday morning I wanted to attend a healing circle but fatigue might have kept me from it had not the universe helped me get up in time. During the night, as might be expected the cool of the night caused my air mattress to be less inflated. As a result of that it developed an “ejection feature.” When I rolled toward one side, it propelled me all the way out of bed with the covers on top of me. As I lay there, I heard my alarm going for its last 5 or 10 seconds. After getting showered and caffeinated, I went to the healing circle where I received healing energy from several modalities and even practiced my Reiki on others. However, after that I had to hurry into town to get paper for my computer printer and then sit down to print out the materials for my workshop. Although I really didn't get to any workshops, I got to listen in on the first part of the introduction to massage workshop which preceded mine at the same location.
My “theory and practice of the Hindu Puja” workshop was well attended and well received.
Immediately, after my workshop, I had to get the fire going for another Sweat Lodge Ceremony which was as well attended as the previous night. Like my experience in the Spring, at this lodge I witnessed the presence of “spirit animals,” a “spirit coyote” and a “spirit bear.” In terms of Native American spirituality this is a great blessing. Unfortunately, although the fire energized me, I still was not able to stay up all that late drumming at the fire circle.
On Saturday my main focus was on the “Radical Recycling” workshop I did together with my sister and her “Introduction to Permaculture” workshop for which I provided “tech support.” Both were well attended and well received. After supper, I went to main ritual, but, when I found myself almost dozing off and, for whatever reason, not feeling any energy being raised, I went on to bed for a “power nap” before going to fire circle for drumming. However, I did not expect to be able to “drum the sun up” as I had at previous festivals. Contrary to my intention, I slept until around 4 AM, when I was awakened by the sound of air coming out of my air mattress and the feeling of descending to the ground. Cold and unable to sleep anymore, I went to the fire circle and “drummed the sun up” again.
Overall the weekend was invigorating both spiritually and physically. So many people that I saw on Sunday as I broke camp or attended closing ritual, told me how much better I looked. I know I felt much better and knew how much I was loved and appreciated.

Journey Through Cancer - Chapter 5

The power of attachment to "stuff" is something that I have underestimated in myself. As with all kinds of nonvirtue, it is easier to see it in others than in oneself. I could see how many people defined themselves and measured their self worth by the kind of car or truck they drove, the house and neighborhood in which they lived, the kind of possessions that they accumulate. Men often take pride in the quality and quantity of tools that they own. Women often take similar pride in the quality and quantity of their home furnishings. This can also be seen in people's adherence to "fashion" in their clothing. What is less obvious is that when one has little, one may be just as attached to the little that one has. Furthermore, one may be just as prideful about the antifashion styles that one wears as another would be of wearing the latest high fashion styles.
When I started "liquidating my own estate," it was easy to find things to sell. There were enough things whose uselessness for me were clear, things to which I had no attachment, things that I had kept long after I had ceased to have any reason for them.Of course, from the very start I found things that had little or no financial value. The difficulty came when there were things which had not only "sentimental value" but also financial value. Among them have been an out of print book with a personalized inscription and the only hand painted icon that I've owned. It helped me very much that Venerable Khenpo Tsultrim told us about a great Buddhist "saint" whose only sacred image in his cave retreat was a charcoal drawing that he had made of Shakyamuni Buddha. Even now, although I still plan to "improve" my shrine by making it a "proper" three-tiered construction, I am no longer so attached to it being "perfect." I can refocus on its value being solely in the spiritual help that it provides.
I still need to keep going through my "stuff" dividing it into the following categories: (1) "stuff" of which I have no need but has monetary value, (2) "stuff" that I still need for some practical or spiritual purpose, (3) "stuff" that I don't need but has little or no monetary value, and (4) "stuff" which I'd really be better off without. For the things in the first and fourth categories I'll have to figure out the best way to dispose of them. The things in the third category I'll find some way to give to someone. However, the "stuff" in the second category I'll have to keep evaluating for its continued usefulness and check myself constantly for attachment. The best example of the need for that can be found in my relation to tools. I have long been proud of trying to maintain the best quality tools in the best condition, but the level of pride has been problematic. I really became aware of this when the rechargeable batteries for my drill started to fail. I can no longer afford the cost of replacing them. Instead, to meet my needs I just bought the cheapest "Made in China" drill that I could find.
Buying the drill is not the problem but rather the way that I felt about buying it. I really felt rotten that I couldn't buy the quality of tools that I usually insist upon buying. What about me is so invested in the kind of tools that I own? It certainly is not the practical consideration about the usefulness or even the longevity of the tool, but rather something of my ego that is involved. And I thought I didn't have attachments to very much, but I find that I can be just as troubled with them as anybody. I can even turn the utilitarian character of my truck and my mode of dress and even my poor house into a point of pride and the source of aversion toward others who do not live so "simply."
Of course, this does not mean that I should give up simple living and join the mainstream of consumerism, but rather that I should have compassion and not aversion for those caught in the traps that I am trying to avoid. The measure of the value of everything that I do needs to be its spiritual value. How does it benefit everyone for enlightement? How can it reduce suffering in myself and others?
I have to keep working on both the spiritual and the practical aspect of this journey. However, I cannot afford to lose sight of the importance of those spiritual aspects, because they have the most lasting importance. They are the steps on the path to enlightenment for myself and all sentient beings.

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Journey Through Cancer Chapter 4 - Birthday

A birthday is an occasion that naturally lends itself to reflections on ones life. How have I spent my years up to this point? How many years lie ahead of me? What have I accomplished with the time that I've had? What do I yet hope to accomplish? Adding to this tendency toward self reflection, this weekend I was dividing my time between a pagan festival and activities of my local Dharma Center, only getting to the Sweat Lodge Ceremony on Friday night and the teaching on the Songs of Milarepa on Sunday afternoon.
In Sweat Lodge Ceremonies I have been prone to experience visions. Of course the nature of such visions is that one really never knows whether they are really communications from some spiritual source outside oneself or rather originate within oneself or even come from something like Jung's "collective unconscious." In any case, they can supply information of value because this information may not be accessible through more ordinary means. Since I tend fire at some of these, I often only go into the lodge for the fourth round after I have delivered the last stones. On this occasion I had help in tending the fire and went in during the third round. At this particular lodge, the third round is the "round of the ancestors" and connected with Grizzly Bear, my chief totem animal, and related to the balance of introversion and action. Among the prayers that I prayed was a traditional Tibetan Buddhist prayer about acceptance:
"I rely on you, buddhas and bodhisattvas, until I achieve enlightenment. Please grant me enough wisdom and courage to be free from delusion.
If I am supposed to get sick, let me get sick, and I'll be happy. May this sickness purify my negative karma and the sickness of all sentient beings.
If I am supposed to be healed, let all my sickness and confusion be healed, and I'll be happy. May all sentient beings be healed and filled with happiness.
If I am supposed to die, let me die and I'll be happy. May all the delusion and the causes of suffering of beings die...." However, when I came to the words, "If I am supposed to die, let me die," I heard the voice of my grandmother say, "but not just now." With this I felt great comfort that my present illness, while it may demand much of me, is not to be an illness unto death or at least not too soon. Nevertheless, I cannot afford to take that for granted.
The fourth round in this particular lodge was devoted to a guided meditation during which, this time, we met with our totem animal for guidance. Sister Bear and I discussed my present illness and my response to it. She said it was particularly important for me to keep up this blog. None of us are especially unique in our life experience and one of the benefits we may share with others as we go through difficulties is to help them see that they are not alone in theirs. Furthermore, we may share with them the spiritual resources that help us and may help them as well.
Saturday, I spent working on my broken truck which involves some broken wires including in the battery cables. This kept me from attending the Milarepa Empowerment sponsored by our Dharma Center. That night when I thought I had finished, it turned out that there were still problems in the wiring which kept me from going back out to All World Acres for the drumming. However, on Sunday I went with my sister to the event of the Dharma Center, a teaching by Venerable Khenpo Tsultrim on the Songs of Milarepa. I am really glad that I was able to be there, because Milarepa is an inspiration especially for those of us who may not have spent the earlier part of our lives in fruitful spiritual practice or even may have done great evil. Milarepa did great evil in his early life, but turned to the Dharma and attained Enlightenment in the same lifetime.
At a time of self reflection another area one may naturally contemplate is one's history of romantic relationships. In my case that history is nil. I have had what I thought at the time were romantic relationships, but were actually something else entirely. First of all, throughout high school I hardly dated at all much less develop any kind of teenage romance. In college the first time, as a budding alcoholic I fell into dating the daughter of an alcoholic which was hardly a romance but rather two sick people supporting each other's sickness. Furthermore, although this was the era of "free love" we hardly got into heavy petting. Through my first hitch in the Navy, I hardly dated at all, but soon started the practice of turning to prostitutes for sex. Returning to college from the Navy, I dated even less although I found myself very comfortably in the company of women as I had at various times before. Often they were so comfortable and "safe" with me that they would reveal the most intimate of secrets, never considering how much inner conflict this might entail for me.
Not long after college, I did marry, but this had nothing to do with romance or even "good sex." I filled the requirements for her to get her son out of foster care. I also provided some degree of financial security. Although this was a nightmare of a marriage with her drinking and drugging and nearly psychotic behavior, karmicly it was for the good, because I protected her son from her violence. During my second enlistment in the Navy we divorced. after which I only dated a few times and had a sexual relationship once before I was discharged from the Navy and entered a Russian Orthodox Monastery. From then until now, notwithstanding both an informal renunciation of the monastic vows and a ritualized renunciation of them, in the years since I quit being a monk I have not actually dated nor have I had a sexual relationship not even a single romantic kiss. We're not talking just about a sex life, but about the potential of a real love life!
Reflecting on this sordid history, especially the time after rejecting the constraints of Orthodox Christian monasticism, I have to come to certain conclusions. It is my Karma, for whatever reasons from my present life and my past lives that I am not seen by any woman as being a potential romantic partner or sexual partner. Since we are in the 21st Century and no longer operating within the limitations of the 1960s, if a woman really were interested, she would make herself known. Indeed one lady who found my MySpace profile interesting did contact me, making her interest known to me although, in spite of our common interests and shared points of view, nothing ultimately came of it.
At this late date in my life, facing this constant reminder of my mortality, I shall give no more energy of any sort to even the possibility of romance, sex, or any such thing. I shall strive instead to accept that the remainder of my life is to be at least as solitary as it has been so far. No wife, no girl friend, no lover, no partner of any kind. I am instead to be permanently celibate as a Tibetan Buddhist monk. While this is a firmly and well considered decision, its implementation will require mental, emotional and spiritual work for its fulfillment. I am, after all, a thoroughly heterosexual man with a healthy libido, but that has only been a source of pain and suffering rather than joy. This is finally the acceptance of my Karma. No amount of effort and energy on my part can actually make it otherwise. This I can finally see.
Actually, I won't be totally alone. I still have friends. I still have my Vajra brothers and sisters. I will have the monastic brothers of my Sangha.