Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 70 – Once Again Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

Friday and Saturday, I managed to do more than I have been able to do in a long time. I transplanted four columnar basil plants that I had rooted and transferred three cuttings of holy basil from small pots to larger ones. In doing both of these operations, I took the existing potting soil and added peat moss and composted manure in order to give all of the basil plants the best soil as outlined in articles on growing basil. I also re-potted an Okinawan spinach into a five gallon bucket. I even put cardboard out in my backyard in preparation for sheet mulching to reclaim my backyard from the weeds that have flourished in it. After all of that, I still managed to start rearranging things in my bedroom to be able to move my stationary bike into a position where I can use it.

That was so much more than I have done since before my radiation treatments. However, although I was very tired on Saturday and had to deal with the bowel urgency throughout the work, I really paid the price for so much activity Saturday night and Sunday morning. Not only did I have the urgency, but I also had more bleeding than I have had for weeks now. I can only hope that it does not persist. I was forced to forgo any other activities planned for Sunday and rest instead.

On Monday I spread out the cardboard that I had in the backyard and even managed to pull vines down from the back wall of the house. I also did a little more moving around of things in the bedroom to the extent that I could now use the stationary bike as it is, but I still need to get things in some semblance of order because some things are merely stacked up but not organized. Also clothes and bedding that were stored in boxes need to be laundered. I expect that I shall be tired on Tuesday, but I only have one planned project for that afternoon, installing my sisters new hanging lamp over her kitchen table. At least with a modest plan, I may be able to achieve a little without having to spend another day or two recovering from the work.

There is great satisfaction in accomplishing these tasks, but I have to learn to be realistic about my capabilities. As I have written before, I cannot compare what I am now able to do with what I could do before any treatments, but rather with what I could do after all the treatments were finished. An honest evaluation of my abilities requires that I neither overestimate them nor underestimate them. In the former case I would be doomed to failure by repeatedly undertaking projects that I cannot possibly complete. However, in the latter case, I would not even attempt tasks or projects well within my abilities. Ideally I would not always foolishly exceed my capacities, but rather continually seek to extend my abilities by striving to do a little more and a little more. That is the path to progress and growth.

In technical matters I have a beautiful example, learning how to do more things with the Linux operating system. I keep trying to do new things with it, especially things that I knew how to do with Windows. For example, back when I still ran Microsoft Windows on my laptop, I could interface it with my cellphone as a modem. While the cost of minutes on a cellphone could make it prohibitively expensive and the dialup speed would limit its usefulness, it could be valuable to have the option of logging onto the Internet anywhere that I had a cell signal. A few days ago I finally figured out how to connect to my present phone and configure the dialup program under Linux. Not only do I have a satisfying sense of accomplishment, but I have also learned more about Ubuntu Linux. Furthermore, this has practical value in that, in the event that I am hospitalized unexpectedly, I can go online to turn off email lists and upload homework for online courses that I am taking.

In spiritual matters, I similarly need to reach beyond my current accomplishments without trying impossibly difficult practices for my present level of development. Although I know that we all possess buddhanature, I have to remember that I need to persevere in practice in order to overcome the afflictive emotions and obscurations that keep me from buddhahood. Through countless rebirths I have developed the habitual illusions and delusions that hide my true nature and bind me in cyclic existence. I am most fortunate that I am cleansing a lot of karma by living through all the medical issues with which I have been dealing. Furthermore, by applying Dharma in action, I can make it benefit not only myself but also all sentient beings. I am doing this both by sharing with others my experiences of my own “ Journey Through Cancer,” and by being motivated to study and attain proficiency in both Tonglen meditation and Phowa practice.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 69 – Thanksgiving

Last Thanksgiving I was just a few days away from the start of my radiation therapy. This year those treatments are months behind me and my latest PSA test was a 1.1, having gone from 3.1 to 1.7 to 1.0 and now to 1.1, bearing in mind that anything under 4.0 is considered normal. Therefore, for Thanksgiving I wore my “I am a Survivor” t-shirt. Of course that statement, for me, is about more than just surviving this cancer, but rather about surviving all the things that I have survived in this lifetime.

Today, my sister, our friend who is like a sister, and I had Thanksgiving dinner with another friend with whom we have celebrated the holiday in several past years. We enjoyed the company of her, her daughters and her grandchildren as well as her brother and his wife, her nephew and his wife, and her mother. Knowing that I am a vegetarian, she prepared a vegetarian lasagna which was delicious. It was a very pleasant day and I ate too much, but that is normal for this particular holiday. I can resume my weight control program tomorrow.

Since I haven't completely gotten over the bowel urgency issue, I think I need to get my stationary bike set up to use until I can either resume a program of walking or begin a program of outdoor bike riding. The chief problem with riding a stationary bike is boredom which is why I would rather ride a regular bicycle in the neighborhood or even as basic transportation. Nevertheless, perhaps I can rig up some kind of stand on the stationary bike to hold a book or my laptop to give me something more interesting to do while I get my exercise. However, eventually I will recover sufficiently to no longer need to plan my travels around the availability of clean restrooms.

The lack of a suitable bathroom is just one of the issues that has kept me from any “sobriety sweat”t his season. Hopefully it won't be long before I can participate in one before the summer. At least I can expect to tend fire for the sweat lodge at “Yulefest” at All World Acres in December.

While the radiation colitis has interfered with my participation at Katsel Dharma Center, I am looking forward to getting active again as my recovery progresses. Even though the worst of the colitis lesions were cauterized in the colonoscopy and the sigmoidoscopy, they still needed to heal and are still healing. Of course, this is taking longer than I want it to, but I just have to be patient and do whatever I can to facilitate this healing. I have resumed eating my “medicinal noodles,” Ramen noodles with miso broth, and have begun adding fenugreek sprouts to my sandwiches. With that on the practical side and Medicine Buddha practice on the spiritual side, I am working on my program of recovery to finish getting well. Furthermore, the practice is not for myself alone, but for the benefit of all sentient beings. That is such an important lesson from our lamas!!

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 68 – Recovery and Accomplishment

Last Wednesday night I finished removing the small section of fence on the north side of my house to open that as the new way to go into my backyard. I even managed to carry the old rusty fencing and rotten posts out to the roadside for the next morning's garbage pickup. Accomplishing this small task is very satisfying after such a long time that I haven't been able to do most of these kinds of jobs. However, this was not completed in just one try but had to be done in small portions. Since the cauterizing of the radiation colitis lesions I have found that any physical exertion brings on serious bowel urgency. While this phenomenon is diminishing, I could only dig a little, pull a little or cut a little each time. Nevertheless, the path is now opened leaving the moving of the paving stones to a later time, again doing a little at a time.

While recovering from my radiation treatments, it is easy to compare what I can accomplish in any project with what I could do before the cancer and the treatments, but that is just a sure way to get depressed needlessly. The proper comparison is what I am able to do now with what I was able to accomplish at the end of the treatments. At that point I could only manage my basic self care but not much else. Even though I have had to cope with the aftereffects of the radiation, my recovery has continued, sometimes in fits and spurts, sometimes moving forward, sometimes losing a little ground, but nonetheless uninterrupted. Therefore, I can do more now than I could at the end of treatments, as well as more than I could several weeks or months ago.

Over the weekend, I helped my sister as a participant at Sustainable Living Conference. With setting up on Friday afternoon and Saturday morning and taking down the booth on Sunday afternoon and Monday afternoon, it was physically demanding. Furthermore, our presentations also required serious effort as well. Nevertheless, I was able to do it, although I have had to rest much of Monday. The accomplishment of all of this has been very satisfying, especially recognizing the progress that this represents.

On Saturday, I spent a little time talking to a friend who has also been through his own “Journey Through Cancer.” Like we are all inclined to do, he has struggled with the comparison of what he can do now with what he could do years ago. We talked about the common human experience of aging in which we find our physical capacities declining over the years. When we add to this the negative results of our cancer and the additional effects of our various courses of treatment, is it any wonder that we find ourselves not able to do what we did years ago? However, if we look at how little we could do at our lowest point physically in this “Journey,” we can see our progress and, hopefully accept it as it is. Notwithstanding the need of our own efforts in making progress in our recovery, we cannot force it into a rate of progress beyond our rate of healing as a physical process.

All of this experience is applicable to spirituality as well. When I seek to evaluate spiritual progress, it is too easy to compare myself to the ideal, but that is a great mistake most of the time. If I am too far from that ideal, I might give up on all my practice. Rather, I need to see that I have indeed made a degree of progress as I have devoted myself to my practice as well as to learn from the particular experiences of my life. The only time I need to refer to the ideal, particularly buddhahood, is to keep me from becoming too content with any specific level of progress. Nevertheless, I need to develop my compassion out of the various aspects of this disease, its treatment, and the recovery from that treatment. Whether it is the pain or the fatigue or the awareness of mortality, it is all to be dedicated to the benefit of all sentient beings.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 67 – Still Recovering, Still Impatient

In the weeks and months since my radiation treatments, I have been recovering steadily with a few setbacks along the way. The tumor in the prostate has shrunk until it is undetectable. My PSA test value has gone steadily downward. In another week I'll see the radiation oncologist again for a follow-up appointment. At that point I'll find out the latest value for my PSA, but I have no doubt that it will continue the downward progression that we have been watching up until now.

With regard to the big issue, the cancer, I have been having the desired results. At the same time, the side effects, or rather after effects, of the radiation therapy have been improving. While the overwhelming fatigue has decreased and the urinary pain has diminished to almost nothing and the skin irritation has totally gone, not all of the effects are resolved. The symptoms of radiation colitis hit me unexpectedly later than the others. For months I was troubled by bowel symptoms as well as significant bleeding. It took two different attempts at cauterizing the lesions to really bring the bleeding to a stop. For that improvement I am deeply grateful, but I still want to find relief for the other symptoms.

Unfortunately the cauterizing has caused the tissues of the colon to be quite irritated which is slow to heal. As a result I am having a problem of bowel urgency. When I feel the need for a bowel movement, I have little time to delay. I have had a few “accidents” from not getting to the toilet fast enough. Furthermore, the least physical activity brings on the urge for a bowel movement. In addition, while I have had relief from the worst of the fatigue, I still do not have the stamina that I had before the treatments began.

Since this whole thing began, so many things inside and outside this house have been allowed to fall behind in routine maintenance. The interior has not been kept as clean and tidy as it should be. Some repairs have been let slide. During the rainy season the weeds have really gotten overgrown around the yard. The entrance to my back yard that I want to open on the north side of the house to replace the one on the south side has only been cleared of part of the old fence. The paving stones are still on the south side of the house and that opening has not been closed yet. The limbs that fell from my grapefruit tree in the front yard still have not been cleared, although I did manage to cut some of them already.

Besides these things, my truck still has not been repaired. However, I have been able to drive the van for my sister when she has needed it. Nevertheless the tasks that I want and need to do but cannot get done frustrate me. While I realize that I should be patient with myself and my progress, I still find it hard to accept the slow pace.

There have been some notable accomplishments which should be more satisfying, but I keep wanting more. I have fixed a couple of computers for friends, setting them up with the Linux operating system and showing them how to use it. I have even been able to repair this laptop that I use to write my blogs and do my school work. The display went completely black and I replaced the panel and the inverter circuit from another laptop of the same kind. I have even been able to prepare the presentations that my sister will give at a sustainable living conference later in the month.

While I realize that I could not do that much by the time the radiation treatments were finished, I also realize that these feelings are quite normal under the circumstances. In 1983, when I had a major motor vehicle accident, I had a long recovery period before I was declared “fit for full duty.” During that year I was often frustrated by the seemingly slow rate of progress, but I understand in retrospect how severe my injuries were and how near I came to dying. Even though this “ Journey Through Cancer” has not required anything as rigorous as the physical therapy of that year, it is, nevertheless, quite serious and has its own rigors.

I know that these events are unfolding as the fruit of the seeds of Karma planted in a previous lifetime. Through present difficulties a lot of negative karma is being cleansed and even turned into something positive to benefit myself and others. For that I am most grateful, because I can not only understand that Dharma is not just to be studied but to be lived, but I can also show this to others who may yet benefit from it.

Preparing for Ordination – Attachment, Aversion, and Equanimity

This evening I went to the grocery store. Although I had only run out of one essential item, I decided that I should make it a regular shopping trip, getting the usual things that I keep on hand. In so doing, I made an interesting discovery: my attitude toward food has changed. It was not so firmly rooted in the attachment/aversion type of feelings, but rather it was closer to equanimity in approaching the choices on a more utilitarian basis. Nevertheless, I cannot claim to have attained perfect equanimity.

The chocolate cake that I bought, in spite of being sugar-free, is not truly utilitarian but rather pleasurable. However, even though a food may be pleasurable, it does not automatically represent attachment unless that is the primary or only reason for getting it or eating it. Nevertheless, despite this particular lapse, the rest of my choices seemed more practical than usual. However, this is more a matter of progress rather than perfection. I have a long way to go to truly attain equanimity.

Perhaps the strangest thing about this experience is that it seems that it may be a result of the weeks of poverty that I recently experienced. During that time I went to the food banks and gratefully accepted whatever I received, having no choice in what it was. Indeed the only choice that I exercised was to trade any meat items to my sister for a vegetarian alternative. I am most grateful that I retained at least this spiritual outcome from the whole experience. However, I am sure that I shall see other benefits that I derive from it as well.

Preparing for Ordination – The Hard Work of Poverty

For the past five weeks since my pension got messed up, I have been living on pitifully little money and my financial affairs have been in the hands of others. It is perhaps very good that I have been prepared by growing up poor. It was a great education for making a very little money go a long way. We may not have had many of our wants, but we always had our needs. Furthermore, we always seemed to be able to share our little with those who had even less.

Over these weeks I have turned to food banks for groceries, to my sister and friends to meet the bills that could not be avoided, and to my Buddhist faith to keep from just running out in the street screaming. The resolution of the basic problem with my pension was in the hands of the clerks in the VA bureaucracy in whom I had little confidence because that was where it got messed up in the first place. I had to enlist the aid of others to help me with them. However, in the bureaucracy there was the bright spot of a clerk who not only did what he said he would do, but also seemed to have real compassion for my situation.

As this episode draws to a close I reflect that it may have been a good preparation for my life as a monk to which I still aspire. I am hoping that I may be ordained before my next birthday anniversary. At the time of my ordination I shall be given the exact precepts that I must observe and the specific interpretation and application of them. While a Buddhist monk traditionally is prohibited from handling gold, silver, and gems, in other words money, in the West a relaxing of these particular precepts has sometimes been necessary. We do not have a culture that provides for monks making “alms rounds,” nor an established foundation of contributions to support monasticism in general, leaving some monastics with no choice but to have some kind of secular employment.

Because recent events are not typical of the years since my VA disability claim was approved, I am most fortunate that it provides a basic subsistence income to meet my needs. With the frugality of life as a monk, this can provide most generously not only for me personally but also for the support of Dharma activities. Of course, this does not mean that I would not need to be sponsored for some of the more expensive of these, especially where travel is involved. However, I should be able to devote myself to the Dharma leaving financial matters in the hands of a trustee who will let me know what I can and cannot afford.

These weeks have provided practice in living this way. Furthermore, the degree of stress that I experienced reveals the extent and depth of my attachment to control in my life. Moreover, any attraction to or aversion from certain tastes, sights and smells of foods reveals the spiritual growth that I have not yet attained, but have ahead of me.

It is rather like the military practice of “exercises,” during which each member of the unit hones his or her skills. From the experience they all grow more confident and comfortable with their skills. In much the same way I can take these experiences to grow more comfortable living according to the samayas. Of course I am not proficient in this yet, but I am confident that I can get better at it. Furthermore, I don't have to become perfect in this or anything else before being ordained. Instead I must be firm in my intention and clear in my goal to follow this path all the way. This I must do not only for the benefit of myself but also for the benefit of all human beings

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 66 – An Addendum

Thursday, I was pleasantly surprised around 5 PM by a call from the VA clerk with whom I had talked on Tuesday. He apologized for not calling on Wednesday afternoon, because he had not been around a phone at the time. He informed me that the lifting of the suspension of my pension payments was awaiting approval by the appropriate authority. This was the same information that the county veterans service officer had found out for me earlier that day. However, it was most refreshing to have someone in the bureaucracy who actually did what they said they would do and even demonstrated compassion!

I am also most grateful that it still seems that Dr. P. K's “spot welding” is holding. There has only been slight leakage, but no more of the significant bleeding that I had been experiencing. The discomfort and bowel urgency is an expected consequence of the work that was done, but it should diminish as the sites heal. At least it is no worse than a really bad case of inflamed hemorrhoids although it doesn't respond to hemorrhoid medications. A high fiber diet and psyllium fiber laxatives seem to be of the greatest benefit right now. Also, following the advice of an herbalist, I am adding fenugreek sprouts to my diet for their beneficial effects on the digestive system, hoping that they may aid with the healing needed.

Unfortunately, with everything going on, I have fallen behind in my school work, but I think that I should be able to get caught up easily now that I can expect my recovery to resume. At least, without any money I don't have that many distracting activities on my social calendar ;-)

In my present financial circumstance I have to accept the food I have available and ignore most of my food preferences. The only option that I continue to consistently exercise is that I still maintain my commitment to being vegetarian, because it is not just a food preference, but rather the application of my samaya to not kill any sentient being. However, with regard to attachment to food and attachment to certain tastes and aversion to others, I am a long way from the ideal set forth in the food offering prayer, “By seeing the food as medicine, I will partake of it without attachment or aversion. It shall not serve to increase my pride, arrogance or strength, but will only maintain my body.” Nevertheless, I am getting an opportunity to work on it right now.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 66 – Here We Go Again... Again...Yet Again

For the second time a doctor has cauterized lesions from radiation colitis, treatment of the aftereffects of the treatment of my prostate cancer. A chain of cause and effect and effect and effect. Every cause has an effect and each effect can become the cause of another effect. In just this way, the radiation treatment had the desired effect of shrinking the prostate tumor and the unintended effect of damaging the tissues of my colon. That in turn had the effect of producing the colitis lesions which eventually started bleeding. The treatment of these lesions, while it has had the unintended effect of causing a certain level of discomfort, will hopefully have the desired effect of ending the bleeding with which I have been dealing for all these months.

For the second time, I've tried to get things straightened out for my pension without the desired effect. I had thought that with this latest contact I had found a clerk who not only conducted himself competently but also with great compassion. I had even intended to give his name to the congressman's aide in order to have him commended for his work. However, he failed to call me as he had promised. Nevertheless, Thursday, I shall seek local assistance with my circumstances from the county's veterans service officer and aging services staff. Hopefully, they will help with both the VA difficulties and the financial crisis. Furthermore, I still intend to talk to Congressman Gus Bilirakis' aide within a few days to have him look into the whole matter of the suspension of my pension, particularly why my first call straightening out the address was not sufficient to lift the suspension. While Gus is on the House Committee on Veterans' Affairs, his father had chaired that same committee. I know his dad was very active and effective in working for veterans, but I know nothing about Gus' activities. While I doubt that his influence is as great as Mike's was, I will give him the opportunity. His dad did so much for veterans that the Spinal Cord Injury unit at James A Haley Veterans Hospital was named for him.

Fully understanding that all of this will take time to work out, I realize that I need patience while they proceed. Perhaps this is good practice for me, because I have the aspiration of being a monk. Once I am ordained I might be prohibited from having anything to do with financial affairs, depending instead on a trustee to handle them. While I am accustomed to managing my money myself although not perfectly, such dependence could prove difficult. Furthermore, I had thought that my VA pension income was reliable. I should have understood that nothing is really that reliable and everything changes, no matter how much we may think otherwise. Although as a Christian monastic I practiced “Evangelical poverty,” having made that vow, since I renounced those vows, I am now a little out of practice. This may be part of the practice I shall need to prepare for my new life as a Tibetan Buddhist monk.

Since, because of both my broken truck and my absolute lack of money, I cannot go to FPG Samhain in November, that may be an appropriate weekend to hold a yard sale. At least we could convert some of the things that we have and no longer need into the money for necessities, more of my “liquidating my own estate.” Likewise, we shall continue to go to the food pantry at the local Catholic parish until we get past the current difficulties or we reach our limit of 13 visits this year. We still have things that we can do to continue to survive this. At least I can look forward to the day that this will be resolved and my pension will come, but there are others right now who have much more bleak prospects in the current economy. I need to resume my Yellow Dzambala water offerings for their benefit.

Another thing that involves repetition is that I have to complete and resubmit last week's homework assignment for my Dharmakirti College course. With everything going on I had fallen behind in my studies. Fortunately, I am being given the opportunity to make it up, because the goal of these courses is that we learn what we need and not that we compete for some position or rank. The material covered in last week's lessons is of particular importance to me as a Tibetan Buddhist, “ Tantra,” covering its history and fundamentals. This week may be an even more important subject for everyone's benefit, “Death and Dying in Tibetan Buddhism,” because death is something that none of us can avoid. Nevertheless, if we prepare properly for our own deaths, we may find in its changes provide one of the best opportunities for enlightenment. At the very least, it seems most foolish to arrive at such a momentous event in our experience totally unprepared. Personally, I am sure that this must be my special field of study not only for my own benefit but also for the benefit of others.

I have begun to think that if my recovery from my radiation treatments progresses I should try to make a retreat between terms in my Dharmakirti College courses. I am not sure where or how I may do this. Since the term ends December 11 ^th, I cannot conceive of going either to Boston or to Arizona, but would need to find a way to make my retreat in a warmer climate. From December 9 ^th through December 13 ^th Wat Florida Dhammaram in Kissimmee, Florida, has a meditation retreat. Another option that I may try to set up is something like the “retreat at home” program that Sogyal Rinpoche's Rigpa organization has. In this form I would isolate myself at home, giving my sister the responsibility as my trustee to handle practical affairs, and I would stay in contact with my Lama by telephone or Internet. A third option would be for me to similarly stay at a duplex belonging to a friend, with my sister as my trustee and likewise staying in contact with my Lama by telephone or Internet. Whichever way I do this, the important thing is that this would be my first more or less formal retreat.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 66 – Here We Go Again... Again

As I've written previously, my VA pension has gotten messed up. Although I had informed everyone that I needed to notify of my change of address years ago, somehow the VA did not have my correct address. After I contacted the appropriate office to straighten this out, I was assured that everything was fixed and that a supervisor would contact me as I requested. I had asked for a supervisor, because I needed to know when I would get my pension to tell those from whom I could borrow enough to cover the most essential expenses when they could expect repayment. Since I never heard from that supervisor, in the intervening weeks I tried again to call the same office to find out what was happening. Unfortunately, their phone lines stay very busy, to the extent that usually I don't even get put on hold but rather get a busy signal the first few times I try. Once I do get connected to their phone system, I spend such a long time on hold that I often lose my cellphone signal before I get through to a person.

Tuesday I got a strange letter from the VA “Regional Office and Insurance Center” in Philadelphia. When I tried to phone the toll-free number in the letter for some explanation of its contents, I couldn't find my way through the maze of their automated telephone routing system. However, one of the automated information sources gave me a strange answer which necessitated a call to the same office that I called at the first of the month. Amazingly, probably because I was calling within an about an hour of their closing time, I actually got through to a human being in record time. Nevertheless, when the clerk looked up my information on his computer, although he could see the entries from my call at the first of the month, inexplicably the suspension of my pension payments had not been lifted. He then informed me that there was nothing that could be done at this point in the month to enable me to get any money before a vague “some time in November.” At least I have an assurance of a call from this clerk Wednesday afternoon with more information. Although the sedative used in the colonoscopy is given with the warning to not conduct business for 24 hours afterward, this is unavoidable.

During all of these dealings on the phone I started to have a real problem controlling my anger. Throughout all of this, starting with the original change of address, I have done what I was supposed to do, but government employees were not doing what they were supposed to be doing! Furthermore, this not only affects my financial situation but also my sister's as well, because she has delayed paying some of her bills to help me. She should not have to face hardship from trying to help me! I am resolved that I will contact the county veterans service officer and their aging services personnel on Thursday to seek both temporary assistance meeting current needs and to help with my dealings with these VA offices. Furthermore, I shall be discussing the whole matter with our Congressman's staffers as soon as possible. For that discussion I am also inclined to see that I get the name of latest clerk who is helping in order to commend him for his assistance and genuine concern. It seems that one individual is powerless when confronting any government bureaucracy! Someone with power is needed!

I realize that a factor in my difficulty in avoiding anger is the stress of the colonoscopy preparations. I can have no food to eat for the day and the medicines prescribed create a state of induced diarrhea which is far from pleasant. No matter how necessary, it is difficult! At least I have had the benefit of Chenrezig, Tara and Achi Chokyi Drolma mantra recitations to keep me from totally “losing it” and running outside screaming that the top of my lungs! It is also hard to keep from facing depression over this, because I may be unable to avoid overdraft charges.

This week's topic in my Dharmakirti College course, “Death and Dying in Tibetan Buddhism,” is a good one to restore perspective to any situation. I have again survived, this time from prostate cancer. I have no idea how long or short a time I may have before I die, but I can't afford to waste it. “The Four Ways of Turning the Mind” tell me, “(1)Oh! This kind of leisure and endowment is supremely difficult to obtain. When we obtain this body, which is easily lost, do not waste it meaninglessly but rather use it to attain the ultimate liberation, joyous result. (2) The nature of all phenomena is impermanence; death is a certainty for all who are born. Death can descend anytime like a drop of morning dew on a blade of grass. Quick! It is time to make effort for the essence of the Dharma. (3) The fruit of one's positive karma is happiness; suffering is the fruit of negative karma. The inexorable karmic causation is the mode of abiding of all dharmas. Henceforth practice the dharma by distinguishing between what should be practiced and what should be given up. (4) In the three lower realms and even in the three higher ones there is not an instance of absolute happiness. I will avoid the root cause of my samsaric existence and practice the excellent path of peace to Enlightenment. ”

From this I may see that I must give up the “three poisons,” anger, attachment and ignorance. In this case I cannot afford to harbor any ill will toward any of the clerks involved in this situation. If my mindstream is poisoned by anger, it cannot be moistened by compassion and bodhicitta to which I am committed. Although I had been hoping to attend a Halloween Party with friends and also the wedding of a friend there as well as hoping to attend Florida Pagan Gathering next week which would have allowed me to “play with fire” both as fire tender for a sweat lodge and doing an “Auspicious Smoke Ceremony” which would also have provided opportunities to share the Dharma, I cannot afford to be so attached to my plans and the outcome of my intentions that such attachment also poisons my mind. Furthermore, I cannot afford to let any upset from these or any other circumstances disrupt my study and meditation, allowing ignorance to dominate when I should be developing wisdom instead.

Sometimes I am troubled that because of both financial and physical limitations I couldn't get to any of the Dharma activities of my Dharma Center or any of the teachings nearby this month. Furthermore, I miss the opportunities to share practice with friends. Nevertheless, I still have the learning opportunities with my online course from Dharmakirti College as well as my simple shrine where I may both meditate and do deity practices. Indeed these considerations should help motivate me to not become lax in either of these areas as I believe I was in danger of doing. Last week's homework questions did not get uploaded on time and they were not as fully answered as they should have been. Furthermore, today, as has too often been the case lately, I failed to do my daily offerings or any sadhana practice. Nevertheless, before I sleep, I can still do at least the short Vajrasattva practice and resolve to try to do better in the future.

Just as the impermanence of all things guarantees that all situations will change, it also guarantees that I have the opportunity to change as well. With mindfulness and proper motivation it can be a change for the better.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 66 – Here We Go Again

Almost three weeks ago I had a colonoscopy which found that I have “moderate to severe radiation colitis.” Fortunately the lab report on the tiny polyp they removed indicated that it was benign. At least there isn't another form of cancer with which I may have to cope, especially since it appears that the radiation treatments seem to have worked very effectively. While the doctor was using the “scope,” he used an electric probe to cauterize some of the lesions from the colitis. Expecting this to significantly reduce the bleeding that I had been experiencing, I was scheduled for a flexible sigmoidoscopy in a few months.

However, following the colonoscopy, I continued to have rectal bleeding, some days very little and others at least a few ounces at a time. I even had a few days that were free of bleeding. Nevertheless, when I phoned the GI Procedures Clinic, the doctor rescheduled my sigmoidoscopy as a colonoscopy just a few days from now. Yesterday, I started the very first stage of the preparation, “low residue diet.” Tonight, I moved on to the clear liquid diet and took the first laxative pills. Although this is a rigorous preparation, I have been through it so recently that it is familiar.

As I wrote before, somehow when I submitted a change of mailing address to the VA years ago it never got entered into their regional office or national computer system although it was properly changed at the VA hospital where I get treatment. As a result of this, when an item of mail was returned because it had been addressed to the old address, they took action to stop the direct deposit of my VA pension. Unfortunately although I was able to get the error corrected on the telephone, they could give me no idea how long I would have to wait for the replacement check or electronic deposit. Furthermore, nothing has arrived yet, leaving me without funds of my own and dependent on the charity of others. Although I am not suffering from wounded pride, I am concerned that my sister could not easily afford to loan me what she did without getting repaid soon. I have to call the same office that I did before in order to find out when I will get any of my pension.

At least I have food to eat, because I have been going to the food bank of the local Catholic parish each week. With this I have been getting my necessities, even toilet paper a couple of times. I trade the canned meat to my sister for cheese or beans from her package. Since we grew up poor, our current poverty is nothing new or alarming because we learned how to stretch our resources. We can just practice the same frugality that we knew when we were younger.

So many things in our lives run in cycles, little circles within the greater circle of our samsaric existence. Therefore such things should not be a great concern to us, but merely familiar things with which to deal. Furthermore, we have tools to use, not only worldly tools based on our life experiences but also spiritual tools from the Dharma. While we encounter diverse difficult circumstances in our lives, we have the choice of whether they may be turned into something of spiritual benefit for ourselves and others or merely wasted.

As I move forward toward physical recovery from the radiation therapy and cope with my financial situation, my attitude determines whether it serves to purify negative karma or build up still more negative karma. Furthermore, the extent to which I am able to actively practice the Dharma gives others hope that it may be applied in their lives with equal or greater effectiveness. Moreover, I am nothing special, merely the result of certain causes under certain conditions, just a matter of cause and effect. Anything that I do that may be commendable is nothing more than a further effect of those causes and conditions except that I get to make the choice of how I will act, thereby increasing or decreasing my karmic debt which must be resolved either in this present lifetime or in some future rebirth.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 65 – Sixtieth Birth Day Anniversary

Recently a friend pointed out that we only have one birth day, although we celebrate its anniversary every year. As a Tibetan Buddhist, I would say that I have had multiple birth days, but only one for each rebirth. However, I also have memories of lifetimes that I know I did not reach the age to celebrate a sixtieth Birth Day anniversary, but rather died much younger.

As I have written previously, there are numerous reasons that I should not have reached my present age whether it was the congenital defect that caused me to collapse as an infant or the multiple traumatic injuries of my motor vehicle accident in 1983. Nevertheless, I have survived them all and have grown into someone who is of benefit to others. However, I don't believe that it is the result of the decision of some distant deity that I “still have work to do,” but rather that it is merely my karma that I continue to have the time in which I may do good or bad. Furthermore, it is my choice how to spend whatever time I may live. I could devote it to getting and spending, totally absorbed in my own wants and desires. Or I could devote it to study of the Dharma, finding ways to put it into practice daily in service to others. I much prefer the latter, because it is truly the path to genuine happiness.

I had hoped that I would have been ordained as a Tibetan Buddhist novice monk or getsul before this date. However, that was not to happen. Nevertheless, I reasonably expect that I might be ordained before I celebrate another Birth Day Anniversary although nothing is certain in this life. Thereafter, I wonder whether I would celebrate any more such anniversaries or might I celebrate the anniversaries of my ordination as I did when I was Christian clergy. As I was taught then, the ordination was more significant than my birth. At least it is significant enough that a new name is given, seemingly denoting a new life.

I have received a lot of birthday greetings, a few by mail such as the one from the law firm that handled probate for my mother's estate, but most by email or on social networking sites. Some of the people sending the greetings a strictly cyber-friends with whom I have had discussions online or who regularly read my blogs. Nevertheless, it is good to be thought well thought of and valued.

While I have received few gifts, my sister took me out to eat at “Golden Corral.” They have a birthday deal, but we found out that it is only for the dinner buffet and not the lunch buffet. Although they are really a steakhouse, there is still a lot on the buffet for me as a vegetarian. My sister and I did have a little GI discomfort, probably from their deviled eggs, since she and I had them but our friend Alice didn't. Nevertheless, it was a pleasant meal topped off with coconut cream pie and coffee.

My body sort of gave me a birthday present in that I had no bleeding that entire day. Furthermore, the bleeding has been negligible since then. Perhaps I am now getting the relief that I had sought from the work done during the colonoscopy. In any case, I shall be grateful for the relief and watch out for any further bleeding that may occur.

This is a time to reflect on the impermanence of all things, because we cannot stop ourselves getting older. Furthermore, our bodies are subject to breaking down from wear and tear no matter how hard we may try to live a healthy lifestyle. The healthier we may live may reduce the severity of the losses due to aging or slow the rate at which such changes develop. However, most still develop like gray hair and wrinkles. As a culture we spend a great deal of time and vast resources to uselessly fight the effects of aging, while we seem to give little attention to preparing for our own death. Indeed many go to great effort to avoid facing their own mortality despite its certainty.

I recently got the practice text for Phowa practice. Since I have received the transmission for it, I shall begin to add it to my personal practice. Furthermore, I shall continue to look for an opportunity to receive teachings and related empowerments for it. This is something that I can do to benefit not only myself in preparing for my own death whenever that may come, but also others by helping them with their transitions at the time of their deaths. Since death is inevitable for all of us, this is preparation that we all need. Furthermore, it can turn that difficult time into the greatest opportunity for enlightenment that an individual may have.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 64, part 3 - Disappointment

On the weekend after the colonoscopy, I wound up camping out at a pagan festival called “Harvest Rhythm” at All World Acres near Plant City. Since my sister and I are sharing the same van and she is not a “night owl” like I am, it only made sense that I would set up a tent even though my house is such a short distance away. On Friday, I had trouble having sufficient energy and stamina to help her get both her book selling booth and my own camp set up. However, I did manage to do this and took a “power nap” because I was looking forward to a Native American type sweat lodge for which I would tend the fire, albeit with help. As it turned out, the water pourer decided that there would be far too little interest in the lodge considering the unseasonably hot day we were having. Instead he led a pipe ceremony which was something in which I had never participated other than within the Cherokee tradition.

During the afternoon and evening it seemed that fewer people were arriving than in previous years. Perhaps the economic difficulties that so many people are experiencing may be keeping them away despite the fact that the fees for this event are low enough that it is a very inexpensive family outing. Furthermore, there are so few places for Pagan to go to freely worship according to their own traditions.

Considering the cauterizing that was done during my colonoscopy, I was most pleased that there was no bleeding during that whole day, Friday. I had a lot to get done which would have made any bleeding a real nuisance, at best. However, in the predawn hours of Saturday morning I awoke and felt the need to hurry to the bathhouse only to discover that I had bled into my undershorts. Thankfully, I had not bled through into my pants. As I started to write this I was wearing an incontinence pad the wrong way around to catch any future bleeding. Nevertheless, I am most grateful for the break that I had from the bleeding and still can hope that it still will be less in the future than it has been in the past.

When I reflect on the disappointment that I felt when I saw the blood that morning, I realize that it results from another form of attachment. We usually think of attachment only in terms of attachment to people or things, but not in terms of attachment to concepts. Nevertheless, I had formed the concept of an expectation of things continuing as they had been on Friday. However, we know that all things change and nothing is constant. Therefore, I may hope that there won't be any more bleeding after the work done during my colonoscopy, but I should not form an attachment to that particular outcome. Rather, I should keep myself open to whatever actually happens and adapt to the circumstances that I encounter.

As it has actually developed, there has been sufficient bleeding that I should call the GI Procedures Clinic on their next business day, Tuesday. While I don't believe that it is enough to warrant a trip to the ER, I believe that I should contact the clinic to move up the appointment for my sigmoidoscopy. I believe that the remaining areas that needed to be cauterized should be treated sooner rather than later. The healing of the sites might tax my system, but I doubt that it would be much worse than coping with the continued bleeding. In fact, I believe that this is necessary for me to fully recover from the radiation treatments that I underwent in December and January. In any case, I adjust to what is and adapt to my actual circumstances as best I can.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 64, part 2 – Preparing for … and Finishing

Thursday I finally had my colonoscopy but with mixed results. Fortunately, thanks to good preparations, the doctor was able to see everything clearly and found only one small polyp which he removed. While it still has to go to the pathology lab for testing, it is unlikely that one small polyp in an otherwise polyp-free colon would be malignant. I have to admit that after the IV doses of Versed and Fentanyl I was in a peaceful state of mind, quite calm. As a result of that, I enjoyed watching the inside of my own colon on the monitor, kind of an odd experience.

On the other hand the doctor reported finding “moderately severe radiation colitis,” the source of my bleeding, which he treated with an electric probe. In other words, he cauterized the lesions. It was rather strange watching the doctor's work in the monitor. Unfortunately, he said that it would not be good to treat them all at once. Therefore, I have been scheduled for a “flexible sigmoidoscopy” in a couple of months to treat the rest of them. At least, the preparation for that won't be as rigorous only requiring a couple of enemas, just cleaning enough of the colon to do the work.

After leaving the hospital, I must admit that going to “Denny's” for their “Senior Omelet” was particularly enjoyable. Even the coffee was especially good, although I am sure it was just a very ordinary blend and roast. Not having anything substantial to eat for three days, one of those with clear liquids only, definitely sharpens both the appetite and the palate. I might have thought that I have little attachment to food, but I have to admit that I have a weight problem. While I don't approach food as a gourmet might, with great attachment to each flavor, color, or texture, I am, nevertheless, attached to it far too much. I am a long way from the attitude expressed in the third verse of “Food Offering Prayers” from our prayer book, “By seeing the food as medicine, I will partake of it without attachment or aversion. It shall not serve to increase my pride, arrogance or strength, but will only maintain my body.”

If that were actually my relationship to food, I should not have such difficulty losing weight. In fact, with such an attitude toward food, I wouldn't have the weight problem in the beginning. I have not had such difficulty with “ fashions” either with regard to clothing or hair styles, but both poverty and Christian monasticism helped me avoid that attachment. Nevertheless, freedom from certain attachments does not translate to freedom from them all although it does help, both in giving one a taste of what that freedom might be and in providing a model of the way to be rid of the attachments.

We are most fortunate to have the whole path of Vajrayana to guide us from our deluded ordinary existence to enlightenment for the benefit of all sentient beings. We have the great examples of those who have gone before us like Milarepa whose life shows that not only is the path open to ordinary people but also that enlightenment may be attained within one lifetime no matter how far from the path one may have started.

Karmic seeds that I planted in a previous lifetime have borne fruit in the various medical problems and close brushes with death in this lifetime. Nevertheless, the Dharma gives me the means to turn the mere purifying of this negative Karma into something that benefits other beings. Whether this is through sharing this walk with them or instead is through visiting the sick and dying and providing them the benefits of the Dharma and the life that I have lived, it can serve them toward enlightenment or at least a good rebirth.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 64 – Preparing for ….

Throughout our lives we spend various periods of time and various amounts of our attention and various proportions of our daily activities in preparation for things that are important in our life. However, how much is devoted to such preparation is not always proportional to the ultimate importance of that for which we are preparing.

Right now, the first three days of this week are to be devoted to a progressively greater degree to preparation for a colonoscopy on Thursday morning. It is amazing how much such preparations require. First, I only have to start a “ low-residue” diet for Monday and part of Tuesday which really only means that I give up the healthy high fiber diet to which I am accustomed, switching to white bread and white rice and such things. However, this is followed by a large dose of laxatives and a switch to a “clear liquid” diet which will make greater demands on my time and attention, because it will effectively induce something like diarrhea. I will need to spend Tuesday night and all of Wednesday close to the bathroom and very attentive to maintaining good hydration.

I have been assured by those who have had a colonoscopy more recently than my last one that this will be the worst part of the entire process. The actual procedure is supposed to be little more than a minor inconvenience after such a rigorous preparation. Furthermore, viewed from the perspective of an entire lifetime, this is a truly minor episode. Nevertheless, it has a demanding preparation.

When we look at how much more significant an event our death would seem to be out of all the events of a lifetime, why do we do so little to prepare for it? Furthermore, this is not because we have no means to make such preparations, but more likely we avoid them because we prefer to not think about our own mortality. We act as though we shall live forever. This despite all the evidence to the contrary. Have you met anyone who has managed to live into their second or third century of life? Have you met anyone who has had neither an injury nor an illness ever? We have instead seen family, friends and complete strangers fall ill and slowly die or suffer some sort of accident or sudden heart attack and die without warning. Either way they all died. Many of us have had close brushes with death whether an accident that we survive or a serious illness or injury from which we recover.

Despite our denial, we really know that we shall not escape death. Nevertheless, we give little thought to how we may prepare for it. If we ever do, we are likely to make some kind of beginning at a spiritual life. I have had so many potentially fatal experiences from which I have survived. In spite of all of them, I have only recently found out about the kind of preparations that we may make for our own deaths, preparations that can turn it from an end to a beginning. I am not talking about something that promises a life in some kind of paradise, but rather something that promises to open the possibility of enlightenment in the midst that very experience of death.

We in the Tibetan Buddhist tradition, particularly in the Drikung Kagyu lineage have a practice called “ Phowa” which offers the opportunity to enable the practitioner to help others pass through the stages of death peacefully and even utilize them to attain enlightenment. Having had such experiences of close calls with death and extensive of medical care and survival accompanied by some more of less rigorous recovery process, I have been able to help others at times when they were hospitalized or faced medical challenges. Therefore, I desire to learn this “Phowa” practice to help others as well as prepare myself for that occasion when I do not survive some injury or illness.

Even without such special training we may still make preparations by striving to practice virtue rather than nonvirtue, thereby avoiding the great Karmic debt that might have us born in some realm other than the human one. Furthermore, we may strive through such practices as Vajrasattva practice to cleanse any negative Karma that we have accumulated. Most importantly we may try to cultivate bodhicitta and compassion in order to benefit all sentient beings which brings us closer to Buddhahood by which we may benefit them the most. That is indeed the most important hing for which we may make preparations!!

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 63 – “Every Day is a Bonus”

A few days ago a friend who is also a cancer survivor and went through a much more rigorous course of treatment from surgery through chemotherapy said that she now sees every day as a bonus. She is also one of the people who can fully appreciate why I see monasticism as the best use of the remainder of my life. She just became a Tibetan Buddhist nun back in the spring this year. By no means is Ani-la's health perfect now that she has survived cancer and recovered from the treatments any more than it was before them. Whether it is her arthritis or her diabetes or anything else, she copes with it partly because of this awareness of the preciousness of her continued life.

When I reflect on my own life, I also see every day as a bonus. Every day after I survived the episodes when, as an infant, I would collapse, almost lifeless, is a bonus. Every day after I survived through my teens despite restricted blood flow to many of my vital organs as they grew and developed is a bonus. Every day after I survived the incident in 1973 about which I have no memory which left me with a compression fracture of a vertebra but could have been a fatal spinal injury is a bonus. Every day after I survived a major motor vehicle accident in 1983 in which I totaled a VW van and broke a lot of my bones is a bonus. Every day after I survived a traumatic tear of the aorta from that same motor vehicle accident is a bonus. Every day after I survived prostate cancer that was rated as moderately aggressive, but not too advanced which was treated by beam radiation less than a year ago is a bonus.

This, of course, does not mean that these times that I survived were without their difficulties or consequences. The episodes from my infancy resulted in my having frequent exposure to the health care system from such an early age. The issue of the blood supply to my developing organs and lower extremities left me with “diabetes controlled by diet” but not “ Type 1 diabetes” as well as a lack of success in sports when it involved a lot of running. The fracture in 1973 left me with osteoarthritis in my back. The injuries from the motor vehicle accident in 1983 left me with more arthritis in more places as well as an aortic arch with turbulence from scar tissue that now produces micro-clots which have caused a few “mini-strokes” or “ TIAs”. This has also given me both the most profound sense of my own mortality and the deepest confidence in the possibility of surviving almost anything. My cancer and its treatment have left me with really annoying aftereffects of the radiation and the most profound awareness of my own mortality and the value of each day that I continue to live.

I have absolutely no idea how many days, months or years I may yet live, but I know that I must use them to the greatest benefit not only for myself but also for all sentient beings. Although I have received other empowerments and may receive still more in the future, I believe that the foundation of my personal practice must be Medicine Buddha saddhana practice. Furthermore, I also believe that to best make my experiences benefit others, I need training in Tonglen and Phowa practices. By the former I may benefit the sick and the suffering to perhaps share their load as well as grow in compassion and bodhicitta. By the latter I may benefit the dying in their transition and perhaps even prepare better for the time that I don't survive something, because I know that death is inevitable.

Of course, this also gives me a different perspective on the incidents in daily life no matter how big they seem to be. For example, somehow when I submitted a change of mailing address to the VA years ago it never got entered into their regional office or national computer system although it was properly changed at the VA hospital where I get treatment. As a result of this, when an item of mail was returned because it had been addressed to the old address, they took action that caused my VA pension to not be sent to my bank this month. This is at least a bit annoying, because, as a modern guy, I have some of my bills set up on electronic funds transfer or automatic payment by debit card.

Although I was able to get the error corrected on the telephone, they could give me no idea how long I would have to wait for the replacement check or electronic deposit. Nevertheless, I can manage both by borrowing just enough to cover expenses that cannot be delayed like the water bill and the car insurance and by going to the food bank to get groceries. In fact, I already went to the food bank and receivved what they consider a one month supply of food for one person. Since I am fully vegetarian and my sister is not quite, I will trade the meat items to her for vegetarian items to take their place. This Sunday, my Dharma center will be closed which gives me the opportunity to visit the local Thai temple where I am sure that I will get both spiritual benefit and an excellent lunch.

This is just the stuff that happens in life. Whether it is this or leaving my bundle of practice texts at a friend's office where we did practice together, we need to adjust circumstances as we find them and do what is needed and find the tools to keep from being overwhelmed by our afflictive emotions. Fortunately, I have copies of what I need for my daily practice and can either go back to pick up the bundle or have it mailed to me. The mail might be the necessary route both because I don't have money to travel far and because I will have my colonoscopy scheduled next week. Having just watched part 1 the life of Milarepa on DVD, I can't help but think of how much more difficult his path to enlightenment was than mine might be. At the very least, I must learn from his persistence and perseverance lest I give up too soon to achieve what is possible in this lifetime. I am most fortunate to have a precious human life, powerful life experiences, access to teachers of the Dharma, and vajra brothers and sisters to help me along the path.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 62 – What Does Your Compassion DO?

I was recently writing about a teaching that took a different course than many, because it provided tools to apply the Dharma in life. On a Buddhist social networking site, in response to one of my blog posts someone explained the 'Kadam insight' which was that Dharma teachings were meant to be PRACTICED not just heard and studied, which is why Sravakas are criticized for being hearers.

When I looked up “kadam,” I found the following reference about Kadampa, “[A]ll the Words (ka) of the Buddha are taken as practical instructions (dam).” During the past year or so, I have been thinking about this matter of living the Dharma, not something theoretical but imminently practical. This is the message I get from my reading, the message that Carmen taught me, the message of Venerable Lama Sonam and Garchen Ripoche. To the extent that I have been able to live the Dharma I have been able to handle everything that has come my way during all these months of the diagnosis of cancer, treatment planning, treatment and now recovery from treatment.

As a result, now I cannot help but think of the same thing with regard to compassion. It is not just a feeling, an emotion, an attitude, although it certainly starts there. However, if it doesn't mature into action, it has a chance to be only illusion or even delusion. We are not talking about the heroic kind of compassion from one of the stories of the Buddha's previous lives in which is is said, “Folklore states that an early incarnation of Buddha was walking in the forest near the present site of Namo Buddha when he came across a mother tiger and her five cubs. The mother was so weak she could not feed her cubs so the man offered his own flesh to her in strips - she slowly ate and was able to feed her cubs and eventually ate the whole man up.”

For us ordinary folk, our acts of compassion are likely to be more modest. Is there a neighbor who is old or disabled? Do you know someone who needs help with transportation? Is there someone who has been out of work and could use a good meal whom you could invite to dinner? There is always so much need and we Americans have so much wealth that we waste!

Be creative, but do so with an understanding, an empathy for the feelings of the one you seek to help. Furthermore, you don't have to just stop with helping fellow human beings, but should extend your compassion to “all mother sentient beings” to which we refer in our prayers. In this, however, we might have to examine ourselves to be sure that we have a genuine feeling of compassion for the animals to whom we show acts of compassion such as liberating them from the danger of death or having them blessed. Remember that the preservation of the habitat of wild animals, no matter how small they are, is also an act of “liberating animals from the danger of death.” In all these things I firmly believe that the proper action without the proper motivation is incomplete just as the proper motivation is incomplete without the proper action.

Possessing a “precious human life,” we have the opportunity to study the Dharma and to practice the Dharma, the opportunity learn to meditate and to advance in meditation, the opportunity to avoid nonvirtue and to practice virtue, and even the opportunity to accumulate merit and to cleanse negative Karma. We shouldn't waste it by seeking those things that do not serve the highest goal which is enlightenment for the benefit of all sentient beings.

Toward that end, we need to remember that the “stuff” we own is not to be accumulated and hoarded, but rather should only serve our actual needs and be shared for the needs of others. Even as little as I have, I still find opportunities to share with others. When I was growing up, we were very poor. Nonetheless, we shared with others. When someone came up asking for food, I often saw my grandmother go into the kitchen and cook a meal for them and then give them a bag of groceries as well. Nevertheless, we always had enough for our needs if not our wants.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 61 – Sharing the Dharma in Strange Places

Saturday night, my sister and I attended an event called EARTHDANCE 2009, described as a “Gathering of Global Peace at All World Acres,” as vendors. She sells good used books to supplement her Social Security. Since the plan for the event was that Saturday activities would run from 3 PM until 7 AM Sunday, my sister asked me to help her, because I am more of a “ night owl” than she or our friend Alice are. While they did have the “Global Synchronized Prayer for Peace at 7:00 PM,” my observation of the event as a whole was that for most of its participants it was really a “rave.”

While I would not say that the DJ's were playing my preferred style of music, I did enjoy most of it, more than my sister did. A lot of it was in the “Techno-Trance” category more or less, with which I once experimented creating on the computer for a contest. Although I did not finish my entry in time for the deadline of the contest, I did enjoy learning about the techniques. However, I have to admit that it was hard doing any studying with this type of music being played. Nevertheless, I did object to the suggestion of some in my age group that we were too old to enjoy it.

While I am a great lover of quiet and often play no music at all when I am home, once again I don't fit my age group, this time because I did in fact enjoy most of the music. However, there were some pieces that I actually despised, but that was most often because of the lyrics rather than the music itself. Nevertheless, in many ways neither I nor my sister fit in with this crowd, not an uncommon circumstance for us with regard to popular culture. Furthermore, the state of my arthritis kept me from walking around much, preferring to sit as much as possible.

All this created the perfect situation for others who might not be fully at ease there to gravitate toward our site and spend time talking with us. Whether it was the young man who had found teachings on the mental foundations of “success” but sought something more profoundly spiritual or the young lady who was there out of curiosity but found herself discussing how she had found her Roman Catholic upbringing failing her now and sought through Hinduism and Buddhism something deeper or another young man who had studied the very practical principles of Permaculture in Australia where it originated but was now seeing the deeper aspects of the inadequacy of consumerism as a way of life. In none of these or other conversations that we had that night did we preach or proselytize, but rather we merely talked about our lives and experiences and observations. Of course, some of these come from my particular perspective of having come close to death repeatedly and yet surviving, all within the context of knowing that I have lived multiple previous lifetimes.

As things turned out, this crowd was not really a group of readers, although we did sell enough to cover our expenses and give us gas money for the van. My sister may even have gotten enough out of it to cover a trip to the grocery store, but little more. However, with these conversations, we did stay later than we had planned. Nevertheless, when I observed what I thought might be illegal drug use, we decided that it was time to call it a night and pack up and go home.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 60 – Fear and the Purveyors of Fear

Over my lifetime I have been acquainted with fear in various forms at various times in various contexts. As a youngster in school I was the target of bullies. Growing up I suffered from a lack of confidence resulting in fear of failure. Furthermore, in my youth I feared rejection whenever I approached the possibility of a relationship with a girl. During the years of my life as a practicing alcoholic, particularly those as a “drunken sailor,” I found myself in seriously frightening circumstances. On several occasions over the course of my life, facing my own mortality has brought on some degree of fear.

When I survived a nearly fatal car wreck in Spring 1983 and recovered from my injuries, I was unaware at the time just how deeply it changed me. There were, in actuality, three distinct brushes with death, first when I first crashed, then when I remained in the vehicle for hours without help, and when two weeks passed without finding the traumatic tear in my aorta. Furthermore, I was even informed by the surgeon that the coarctation of my aorta, which got repaired as an incidental consequence of the surgery to repair the tear, that the defect was severe enough that I should not have grown to adulthood. At the time I did experience great gratitude for my survival, but I did not know that my fear of death had been alleviated.

However, a few years later, I found myself in a situation that revealed just how profoundly the experience had changed me. I was working at a nursing home in the activity department. The job required that I stay late for certain special activities occasionally. One night I left later than usual and wound up unable to take my usual bus that passed within a couple of blocks of home. Instead, I had to get off many blocks away on the edge of Ybor City in a location that was often dangerous. As I walked down Seventh Avenue, I noticed three young men walking together. As I approached them, they separated It was then that I saw the revolver in the hand of the center man. I suddenly realized that I was about to be robbed! Nevertheless, I remained perfectly calm.

As the whole scene unfolded, it took on an almost comic character with the man holding the gun trembling and myself peaceful. I gave them my watch, my personal stereo, and my cash. I only asked that I keep the wallet to avoid having to replace the Driver's License and such. It was so comical that the watch only cost a few dollars because it came out of the junk box at a Radio Shack, just as the personal stereo had. Furthermore, I didn't even have five dollars in cash. While we were completing this “transaction,” I kept talking to them about how I had changed my life with sobriety and their actions would be unnecessary if the got “clean and sober.”

After this mugging was over and the men had left, I realized that I had been uncharacteristically unafraid throughout. It was suddenly clear that I thoroughly understood most profoundly that I need not fear death. Of course this was in the manner of thinking that if the young man had emptied the revolver into me but I was “supposed to” survive, I would survive even though I might have a long and difficult recovery. This confidence has remained with me. In fact, the growth of my Buddhist faith and my certainty that I have been reborn many times before and could continue to be reborn many more times have only increased this lack of fear of death.

Against this backdrop, I have been walking this “Journey Through Cancer” aided by the Dharma, without fear of death. Furthermore, I have tried to benefit all sentient beings by this process.

While both my Primary Care doctor and the Urgent Care doctor are most confident that my present symptoms are the result of Radiation Proctitis, the colonoscopy could turn up something else. Therefore it is most natural that I should examine whether it evokes fear when I consider any potential diagnosis or prognosis. Hence I find that it does not give rise to any fear of dying, but may cause me concern that I might be farther from fully recovering from my cancer and its treatment.

A natural outcome of this is that I go on to look at fears that assail us all in America today and even in modern society around the world. From such an investigation it becomes obvious that certain interests use fear as a tool to increase their power and manipulate the broader population. One example is the previous Presidential administration. After the events of September 11, 2001, they used the fear that it generated and that they fueled with such measures as their Homeland Threat Level System in order to expand Presidential power and threaten our Constitutional rights. While it is obvious that the last election brought about some change, it is not clear that things have been put right, because “preventive detention” seems to be supported by the new administration. Furthermore, they seem to want the “Patriot Act,” which severely infringes our Constitutional rights, to remain in force.

While politics is an obvious arena for the manipulation of people through fear, there are other groups that also use it. For example, big corporations, through their advertising, work on people's insecurities and fears to get them to buy their products. However, probably the ultimate purveyors of fear are some of the religious institutions with their threat, “If you don't do what we say, you are going to hell.” Fortunately, not every religion practices that kind of fear-based control. Nevertheless, much harm has been done through this mode of operating.

However, the use of fear is not restricted to governments and religions. There are industries that profit by it, such as the pharmaceutical and chemical cleaner industries which promote fear of germs to sell their products when most of the germs involved are constantly on our skin or otherwise in our environment without causing any harm as long as our immune systems are functioning properly. Furthermore, they have been busy together with their government allies spreading fear of the H1N1 “ swine flu” virus, predicting huge numbers of people being sickened by it this flu season despite how little evidence there may be to support their claims.

At the same time certain groups are spreading fear of the swine flu vaccine and even vaccines in general despite the fact that the use of vaccines has virtually eliminated diseases like polio and smallpox from the world. Of course, no medicine is without side effects or risks which even applies to “natural” and “herbal” remedies. The use of any treatment always involves a risk/benefit analysis if it is approached honestly.

All of this study of fear has more questions than answers. Even when I find myself feeling some “ twinges” of fear, I have to look for its true cause. Usually that can be found in the “eight worldly dharmas.” Either something interferes with my pursuit of happiness or threatens me with suffering.

Either something interferes with my pursuit of fame or threatens me with insignificance. Either something interferes with my pursuit of praise or threatens me with blame. Either something interferes with my pursuit of gain or threatens me with loss.

I just recently had to do this sort of self-examination, because .when I was driving through the area that had been my ex-wife's “stomping grounds,” I experienced fear. Since, in our last conversation, she threatened to shoot me if she saw me, that would seem like a natural reaction. However, since I really have no fear of death, this fear was puzzling. Nevertheless, the fear was real! When I looked at the “eight worldly dharmas,” I realized that her threat of shooting me threatens me with suffering – and I haven't finished recovering from my cancer treatment yet. Having to survive a shooting would be a real nuisance right now.

Working through this fear not only benefits me, but also benefits all sentient beings by increasing my understanding and compassion. Furthermore, the tool that I used, reciting the Achi Chokyi Drolma mantra, benefits all of us, because, as I have been taught, I took refuge before I started chanting and dedicated any merit to others when I finished. I made it through the area safely and the fear diminished with time and, I believe, the action of the mantra on me.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 59 – Amends Are Needed

In my depression, I wrote very hurtful words about my sister which wounded her deeply. She has gone so far as to say that she would never go to Katsel Dharma Center again. It is pretty sorry state of affairs when the words of someone who aspires to be a monk and spend his life in service to the Dharma do such a thing!

As I read back over what I wrote, I can see that I overstated the circumstances, speaking from the midst of my depression and the frustration that I feel from the limitations from my recovery from the radiation therapy. Depression has nagged me throughout the whole process of diagnosis, treatment and recovery. Usually, each bout has been of short duration and easily handled.

My sister and I have both been under stress lately. I guess we just got to be on each other's nerves too much. It seems that we can say the most hurtful things to those to whom we are closest. This is just what I have done, never intending to do such a thing.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 59 – Impatience, Frustration and Depression from Aftereffects

With the periodic recurrence of urinary pain (which the urologist who did a stat cystoscopy exam on me a while back said was actually pain from my prostate) and the continuing rectal bleeding (which both my Primary Care Physician and one of the Urgent Care Physicians agree is most likely radiation proctitis) I am so tired of not being well yet. All my labs so far indicate that the prostate cancer has been well handled by the radiation treatments that were finished seven and a half months ago. Nevertheless, these kinds of symptoms persist and interfere with doing things that I need to do.

While I have enormous gratitude that the most serious condition has been so successfully treated, I am still impatient with my rate of recovery and frustrated by it. I understand that the less precise “simulation” CT scan done without the contrast medium because of my allergy to it resulted in a somewhat less precise targeting of the radiation beams. Consequently, I may have had a little more exposure of healthy tissues to the that same radiation. Of course, these aftereffects that I am experiencing are mostly from the damage to those healthy tissues. While I understand this intellectually, my full acceptance of this lags far behind. Furthermore, unlike the time before treatments started, I don't have any effective plan for coping with these symptoms like I had for preparing for those treatments.

Unfortunately, under the present circumstances, my early recovery after treatments seemed to progress very quickly. Therefore, when I went to Drikung Meditation Center in Boston in June, I had very little in the way of aftereffect symptoms impeding my doing whatever was necessary. However, by the time I got back from that trip, I seemed to not be doing as well as before I went. Therefore, when it turned out that my truck needed work on it to get it running again, I was not as able to handle it especially in the heat of our Florida summer.

Ironically, my vajra brothers and sisters seem to have far more patience and give far more encouragement than my biological sister. She seems to be endlessly berating me for not living up to her expectations. Sometimes I let this get to me so much that I become profoundly depressed to such an extent that I seriously consider walking away from everything and everyone here. My sister expects everyone to make allowances for her limitations from age, infirmity, or chronic illness, but she seems unable to grant others the same consideration. I find it personally particularly when my own inability to get things done here at my house or in connection with the truck arises because I have exhausted myself doing things she needs me to do. In other words, altogether too often my time at home has to be devoted to rest and recovery from exhaustion and my next exhausting project away from home comes along before I can do anything else.

Recently, I was telling my sister that we were both quite fortunate to have reached our present ages. Our medical histories gave us a poor prognosis for even living long enough to grow up. Nevertheless, we have grown to adulthood and lived to become “senior citizens.” However, we have to be realistic about our limitations as we have gotten older and newer health issues have arisen. In that regard, I have no expectation that my sister will be able to help me with things around my house and yard, because it is sometimes too much for her to handle what she needs to do around hers.

I would really like to be able to set to work over the next few days and weeks to put this house in order, repair the truck, remove all the weeds from my yard, and even plant my own garden. Instead, I have to do what I can when I can and give myself the time that my recovery still requires. Furthermore, I cannot neglect my studies for which I have already spent money for books and tuition. Nor can I so focus my attention on these things and neglect spiritual practice.

In surviving this cancer, I have once again survived something that could have ended my life, but it is not just about continuing to live but about doing so in such a way that it is to the benefit of not only myself but also all sentient beings. When fear of death is overcome, what fear can hold power? So many people my age and older live in fear of so many things. I have neither the time nor the energy to give over to any fears. Nevertheless, I am aware that I have a limited time remaining to me in this lifetime in which to do what is truly worthwhile. Although nothing is certain in our lives, before another year passes I can reasonably hope to be ordained. Since we don't have any monasteries in warm climates, I also hope that I can serve in this local area and work toward that time when we can have a monastic residence here under the guidance of our own resident Lama.

Keys of Dharma

I have heard teachings on the “37 Bodhisattva Practices” several times. However, this week I listened to a somewhat different teaching on this same text. Most take each verse in order and explain it, but this was unique among the teachings. Khenpo Tsultrim Tenzin Rinpoche,of course, began with prayers and commenced the actual teaching with introductory concepts that would clarify the meaning of the text and bring it around to practical application.

He kept on explaining these things, giving us important general principles which illuminate this particular text. However, when I reflected on them, I could see that they are much more widely applicable. These very principles could help us to understand and apply the Dharma. In fact, is not that precisely why we study the Dharma? The most advanced academic knowledge about the Dharma brings us no closer to Enlightenment unless we are putting such knowledge into practice.

Our study of the Precious Dharma needs to be bearing fruit in our progress in the two accumulations and in our not accruing more negative Karma which could cause our rebirth in one of the lower realms. If we do not attain Enlightenment in this lifetime, we need to be reborn as a human being who has “precious human life.” Otherwise we are getting no closer to Buddhahood.

Khenpo-la gave us something most valuable. Not only did he give us the transmission for this text, but he also gave us an excellent set of tools for this and other texts.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 58 – Aspirations, Limitations, and the Dharma - Continued

As I wrote in “A Protector Protects – Again,” I was on my way to Lakeland Regional Medical Center to leave my contact information with their Pastoral Care office when I had a flat tire and was unable to get there. Just as I discussed in the first part of this “chapter” regarding animal blessings, I could likewise have read into the flat tire something about my service to the sick and dying. However, just as I discussed with a friend Tuesday night, my life experiences have peculiarly prepared me for just such service.

Most fortunately Tuesday afternoon I was able to leave a business card for the chaplains at both Good Shepherd Hospice and Lakeland Regional Medical Center. At the latter, the secretary in the Pastoral Care office seemed happy to receive the information. She said that, although the chaplains on duty were upstairs attending to patients and the head chaplain is on vacation, she expects that after the head chaplain returns from vacation, she and other chaplains will want more information on the help that I can offer them. She further stated that they had already had a need for clergy support for Buddhist patients in the past and expected the same need to arise again.

Therefore, even the limited help that I can currently give will be of value. Whether I am able to give some degree of spiritual help to a patient or I find qualified Buddhist clergy to serve them or I merely act as driver for such clergy, by any of these means I shall have done something worthwhile in service to others. Furthermore, I can seek opportunities to learn more in order to become better able to serve them.

In that regard, I have been searching for the opportunities to receive in depth training in our Phowa practice as well as Tonglen. As far as Phowa training is concerned, it seems that the foremost teacher in this country is His Eminence Choeje Ayang Rinpoche who is teaching 10 level Amitabha Practice at Drikung Meditation Center in Boston just when I am committed to be supporting my own center here in the Tampa area. However, his next Phowa practice trainings are still in the future. Nevertheless, there are still obstacles to attending those teachings at this time.

Of these upcoming trainings, the next is a Phowa Retreat in Olympia, Washington, October 7-15, but I am currently scheduled for my colonoscopy on October 8th and committed to tend fire for a sweat lodge on October 9 ^th, The next after that is the Phowa Training Course that he will be giving in Bodhgaya, India, in January 2010, but the very location could be a very difficult obstacle to overcome because I do not have the means for such a trip or even a passport. Nevertheless, I shall be looking at every training opportunity that arises for the chance to learn this particularly powerful means to help the dying.

Just as my aspiration for monastic ordination must wait for the next opportunity, this aspiration will await the correct time and place for its fulfillment as well. As it is now, I, in my small way, having received just the basic Amitabha empowerment, currently utilize the Amitabha mantra to aid dead and dying animals in the hope that they may have a better rebirth. Whether it is my monastic ordination, my daily practice, my studies, or any empowerment, I must remember that it is for the benefit of all sentient beings.

Journey Through Cancer – Chapter 58 – Aspirations, Limitations, and the Dharma

I first heard of Acharya Lama Gursam when I read in the newspaper about a pet blessing that he did in Pinellas County, but I was unable to attend it, naturally, because I read about it after it happened. However, as I have previously written, while I was staying in Boston, I heard that he was doing another blessing at an animal shelter in Jamaica Plain. Therefore, I set out from the center to attend it, but when my hearing aid battery died I turned back, knowing that the environment of such a shelter would be rather noisy and, without my hearing aid, I would be unlikely to hear his quiet voice.

Saturday, I again set out to attend one of Lama Gursam's pet blessings. However, I again had to turn back, this time, because of aftereffects of my radiation treatments. With the bleeding that I have been experiencing, I have to be very conscious of where rest rooms are available when I travel away from home. When I need to get to one, I may not have enough time to reach it before I have an “accident” which is the reason for my “just in case bag.” On this occasion I made my second bathroom break when I reached the Bruce B Downs Blvd exit on I-75. This wasn't even the halfway point on my drive. When I considered how scarce rest rooms would be as I got closer to the park, I realized that I needed to turn back.

As I've written earlier, sometimes when I am involved in Dharma activities, the symptoms will be in abeyance for just enough time to allow for just such activities. However, it does not always work that way. I could give myself a headache trying to second guess something like this. I could even read into it a sign that I am not supposed to have anything to do with animal blessings. However, I know that could not be true, because we need to promote animal blessings and animal liberations. In Western cultures, we have such a heritage from the Abrahamic religions and some aspects of Greek and Roman paganism that we are raised to treat animals as objects rather than sentient beings.

When we do animal blessings and animal releases, we attest to the fact that all of us are related. This is an essential part of the truth that we as Buddhists share with Native American spirituality and Earth-centered religion. Furthermore, this is fundamental to continuing to have human life on this planet. I have to believe that I must play some part in that, whether it is by becoming qualified to do animal blessings or merely encouraging them as well as animal liberations, That is a worthy aspiration for the benefit of all sentient beings.

In such a context, I have to regard my current physical limitation not as an insuperable obstacle, but rather simply as a hurdle to be overcome, just another along this course. There have been others like my alcoholism or my early limited religious perspectives the overcoming of which have provided occasions for spiritual growth. In fact, this seems like yet another aspect of this present “Journey Through Cancer” which is unfolding before me and around me. I am not anything special, merely a phenomenon that results from certain causes under certain conditions. The only thing that is special about me is the same thing that is special about all of us, our underlying buddhanature. Furthermore, I have the same calling we all have, to follow the Dharma to uncover that very buddhanature in Buddhahood for the sake of all sentient beings.

A Protector Protects - Again

I had planned to drive to Kissimmee this evening, but that trip had been canceled for a variety of reasons. Nevertheless, this afternoon I was doing what I intended to do on my way to Kissimmee, going to the hospitals to leave my contact information with the chaplains. As I had discussed with my lama, although there are many different Buddhist groups in the Tampa Bay area, some of the hospitals may not know who to contact when a Buddhist patient is admitted. Therefore, I could serve as the contact point to find appropriate and qualified Buddhist clergy to provide spiritual care. I had been to Plant City's South Florida Baptist Hospital, but their chaplain is only there in the mornings.

As I was heading to Lakeland Regional Medical Center, chanting Achi Chokyi Drolma's mantra, the steering wheel began jerking from side to side and the front end started thump-thumping. Suddenly, I heard a loud bump on the underside of the van and immediately recognized what was happening: a tire was coming apart. I was fortunate to be going slow on a road with a broad shoulder. I got off the road less than two van-lengths from the first piece of tire that came off. I called AAA and read while I waited and chanted a few more mantras.

Tomorrow I can buy one tire and have the spare put back in its storage place under the van. Maybe between now and the next time I need a spare tire I can replace the "donut" with a full size tire, but, right now, I can be grateful that I did not have a wreck from the tire coming apart at highway speed on I-4 on the way to Kissimmee. Once again, I was spared from an undesirable outcome while chanting the Achi mantra, leading me to attribute it to her protection. Just as my maternal grandmother protected me when I was growing up, our beloved Achi protects Drikungpas who honor her.

The tow truck driver quickly changed the tire and got me on my way. However, I went to my sister's house where I could fill the spare to its specified pressure, because my compressor was at her house. I'll have to go to the hospitals one morning soon to accomplish what I had set out to do.